AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Call the police.

Definitely needs therapy but no therapy can stop a narc.

Also, can people be forced to go to therapy?

Hopefully some of these resources and articles might help OP.
You are entitled to support. Child to parent abuse is awful and often women bear the brunt. I don’t want to alarm you but it also often escalates. Please take care.

https://holesinthewall.co.uk

We do not all have an equal capacity to control ourselves.

It is not just neurodiversity. People who have experienced extreme violence or trauma too do not have the same control reflexes. I remember hearing a veteran of Vietnam say that he had to go live wild in the woods with dangerous bears around for a long time as he realised he was not fit to be at home after he very nearly shot his mother as a reflex when she woke him up one morning. There are children who have been traumatised in war zones, or by abuse who sometimes show extreme disregulation too.

The OPs DS is not a veteran obviously nor did he experience abuse as far as is known, those are examples of other causes - the therapist at school suspected autism or adhd.

It is just that quite clearly not everyone does have equal emotional regulation.

Not that that changes anything for the OP who needs peace and safety. The reasons for her DS’s behaviour, whatever they may be, don’t change that. And if he goes on as he is he may end up in prison.

Change the locks and call the police if he starts.

I truly feel for you, we have previously had a terrible time with our youngest and it is so difficult, especially knowing there isn't any reason for it - I hope you manage to escape it x

Op I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I would move and change phone numbers and email address. Everything so he can’t contact you. I would send a message to say we have moved and are changing numbers. Don’t try to contact us. If you do we will call the police. This isn’t right. Tell him until he gets the help he needs he’s to stay out of your life. I hope life gets easier for you both

He thinks it's "within these walls". Well don't let it be. Tell people. Tell the police, tell family, friends, neighbours. Perhaps he'll be shamed into buggering off .

I don’t think I could cut off DC. Not saying you shouldn’t OP, more than likely I’m too soft, just really do feel for everyone in this situation, 20 is not old, not old enough to have no family and can’t imagine DS feels great about his behaviour either.

Completely unacceptable. Just trying to understand what’s making him lash out like that.

Do you all rub each other up the wrong way? Is it irresistible force vs immovable object dynamic like with the dishes? Does he feel hated? To feel like your parents hate you, especially when you see how your peers relationships are could be quite a contrast.

When he says he hates you, could it be he hates the way the relationship makes him feel? Has this dynamic gone on for a long time OP? I’m sorry you’re hurting and have been hurt too.

Seriously, move house! Easier said than done but I'd be off like a shot!

He’s 20, he knows right from wrong. He can control himself elsewhere.
Yes, there may be something underlying. But he’s able to function very well in society.
Just not at home! So his mother is correct, he needs to leave home

Only the OP herself knows the background here and how much help was sought.
I think ASC and ASC with a PDA profile are two vastly different things.
I absolutely agree that ND is no excuse for DV and that autistic individuals should not all be lumped under one massive umbrella from Kanners to HF (although HF is only HF until the wheels come off). Nor should ND be tarred with the same brush as those also exhibiting psychopathy.
However, we do not know many things here. We do not know if the son self harms also when agitated, whether they ever or have ever expressed remorse when coherent again, whether they perversely see the OP as a safe space (I know OP and I am heartbroken for you) so are not masking at home or whether they have all as a household become trapped in a codependent pattern of conflict (and no, that still does not excuse the violence).
We don't know how they get on at uni or house share or how they manage there. Some ND students end up dropping out and this young man still has two years to go (is 20 but emotionally if some neurodivergence is there you could take a third off). Or he could be a bog standard male abuser behind closed doors, who deserves none of the OP's loyalty.
I do know many with experience of PDA advocate for low demands made (not to be confused with gentle parenting) as people with it cope better if left to make their own choices in their own timeframe, so hard rules would be health and safety only. This in itself sounds like giving in/enabling to others creating the pattern of behaviour seen in narcs. Only the OP knows what the history there is and they don't have to divulge it on here.
What does stand out is whatever the root cause (and adverse childhood experiences should not be ruled out even if did not occur in the home) the situation is no longer tenable or sustainable for either parents or son and therefore something has to change.
Stay safe OP. Get your ducks in a row. Seek therapy so you can begin healing.
I wish you well. 💐

Nobody is doing that

“Part of having ND is struggling to manage emotions and many many ND people
need help and guidance to do so.” This is a fact.

Great it’s not an issue in your family however struggling to manage emotions and impulsive behaviour is a huge issue for many with 1 ND let alone 2. ND people are also more likely to experience trauma and MH struggles which exacerbates both.It’s a disability for a reason. It can’t just be switched off.

Many ND people need support, treatment and modelling to handle such difficulties better. If a young person hasn’t had that they are hugely disadvantaged. Some ND people do have what they need as regards this and are lucky enough not to experience trauma. That’s great. Sadly this is the minority.

What kind of father is your DH to this son? He does not seem to be modelling anything positive to him about being a man. Or is that unfair?

And that justifies domestic violence? What the hell is going on on this thread?

@Notmynameforthis it is okay to love him because he is yours but not like him because he is now an adult and he is abusive and hateful.

You gave him everything he needed to grow up and be a good person but he has chosen to be an arsehole.

Let him go off and eventually he'll face real world consequences.

In your shoes, you should move away and not give him your new address.

Start over in a safe home that has no bad memories.

Let him be an adult and you not be his crutch or his punch bag.

This is very unfair he couldn’t have done more for him or me . He has never been abusive and my son has always seen him do more than his fair share at home. He spent quality time with him and nothing was too much trouble where our son was concerned. He doesn’t drink and devotes everything to our family.

My DH would have punched the living day lights out of my son if he behaved like this towards me then thrown him out and his stuff. He would have done it the very first time it ever happened. It would not happen again. DH is not a violent man, he has never hit our children but they are under no illusions that if they behaved like this towards women they would get the wrath of god upon them. Both our kids are ND too.
it sounds like you are all just letting him be like this with very little consequences apart from running away in the dead of night now he is finally back off university.
where are the consquences?? Did you ever have them??

OP I think moving is the best option. Just leave and never have any contact with him again. Sorry you're going through this

Take no notice OP some of the posts on here are just ridiculous

We really haven't come that far since the mothers of autistic children were called "refrigerator mothers".
Sometimes it's nature, not nurture, and the wiring is off.

You need to ring the police.This is elder abuse. You should not have bruises on you from your son, how dare he. I really felt for you when you said, you are ashamed, please, don't be. He is a young adult, who makes the bad decisions, that he does, no one is pulling his strings. It is heartbreaking to know you are stepping on egg shells in your own home, it's devastating. The police will ensure he leaves the property and with or without your consent they could very well prosecute him. He needs something to frighten the life out of him. Please put yourself first...

Op I feel for you. My eldest son was like this when he was a pre teen. We did all we could do, begged social services for help, pleaded with the school and GP for support and got nowhere. I was his punching bag. He used to describe himself as a angel in the street and a devil at home. I've always thought he was ND but he wasn't receptive until recently and now is waiting an assessment.
I fully believed he would kill me or his siblings. No one would believe that he was capable of these things as he was/is a model student!

Then my marriage ended (traumatically) and I went low demand and low pressure with him. And he changed. The miserable atmosphere in our house left with my exH. No my exH didn't cause this either he just couldn't parent in the way DS needed. He was escalating the levels of conflict.
My DS became like a different person. Don't get me wrong he still has a temper but I'm far better at reading his signs.

There is nothing more humiliatingly than knowing your child has that little respect for you that he will hit you and hurt you.

For those saying it's a parenting problem it really isn't, I have 3 children and the other 2 wouldn't dream of hitting their mum. Some children are just wired differently.

Wow. The lady needs support from us.
I suggest you keep schtum.

OP no judgement from me. Some children are bad seeds. This is someone else's story to let you know you are not alone.

www.reddit.com/r/confessions/comments/c93egn/i_stood_by_and_allowed_my_wife_to_almost_kill_our/