AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Honestly this is so unkind and manipulative given the context of this thread.

We are a ND family there are many different types of ND out there. An autistic family member in my extended family is predatory and has abused family members. Axel rudakubana is basically a psychopath as well as being autistic.

Whereas my husband, daughter and son all autistic are warm, funny and amazing.

It gets so frustrating when people project a single version of autism onto situations where those projections just do not apply.

Having autism does not mean people around them need to understand being abused by them. It just does not and it is an insult to decent people with autism when people assume autistic people can’t be a spectrum of good and bad within the spectrum because it lumps decent autistic people in with my own family member and Axel Rudakubana.

NT and autistic people can be good and bad or most likely a mix of both and no one needs to put up with persistent abuse.

This is common in domestic abuse in my experience. I’ve read all your posts and I’m so sorry you are going through this. You need to protect yourself and your husband.

There is no excuse for a high-functioning adult to be behaving in this way.

This.

He is in control of his actions.

This. So important and a great point!

take him outside and beat the living daylights out of him until he understands what respect means.

That did occur to me. Either living it/have lived it or been a perpetrator. I rarely see people so eager to excuse or mitigate abusive behaviour.

OP, if you feel your DS wishes you serious harm and is capable of doing so, you need to inform the police, where you live now and where you intend to move to.

Would it be possible for you and your DH to leave the house and stay elsewhere until your DS is gone. Or try and get an emergency barring order against him ? A week is a long time.

Wishing you all the best.

You need to report this to the police and get a restraining order from the court. Take photos of your bruises and injuries and any damage he has done in the home. And don't challenge him on anything, washing dishes isn't worth it.

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry. As he’s saving his behaviour just for you then he absolutely knows what he’s doing.
Dont feel bad, you’ve given him many chances, a good education and sent him on his way in life.
Thats all you can do.
Some relationships aren’t meant to be, no matter how much effort one side puts in. Enough now, he’s 20……
It’s time to start putting your efforts into your own life, no guilt. No one deserves to be treated like this. You’ve tried.
He may have regrets in time…… but that’s for him, not you. Please start putting all that effort into you.

Yes. Like wife beaters who don’t beat up their boss or co-workers. It’s a choice.

There is no excuse. But it happens because they have something wrong with them.

No, it’s a choice, he’s not doing it to anyone else!

And yet there is no word of him attacking people outside the family home.

What’s the backstory? Is your husband his father? Or when did you get with your DH?

Well yes basically anyone who is so violent has something wrong with them imo. It’s still not an excuse and we all have agency to know what is right and wrong

No never.

Yes , we have been married for 25 years

Well you have had all the answers/ excuses throughout this thread …

Talk to someone who knows about certain disorders.

On many threads about violent young children who are regularly hurting, kicking, biting, and smashing things up in a rage at home, it is clear that many of them are nevertheless ‘good’ at school.

From the OP it sounds as though their DS has displayed awful, violent, problem behaviour going way back.

No, not "This".

We don't harangue women who've been assaulted by their partners to report it to the police - if they don't want to - by future-blaming them for any subsequent violence by the same person and we shouldn't be doing in this case.

Not unless we're a twat.

Are there siblings in the home? Is your DH your DS father?

I reported my DS to the police after he pushed me over once when he was 14. My DH was against it as was my MIL - but I have younger daughters and they need to see that men cannot physically or emotionally abuse women without consequences. He was shocked - he got a warning - it never happened again although our relationship with him as a teen was hostile - it’s great now - I can see that my marriage was under great strain and he also is ADHD or Autistic (refuses to get diagnosed) and very sensitive to absorbing family stress. My own mother was repeatedly severely beaten black and blue by my brother - same situation undiagnosed unsupported ND and hostile marriage - it was a long time ago and she did go to the police and nothing was ever done. Well done for reaching out you are not alone.

The unsupported ND and hostile marriages I have referred to explain something about emotional capacity / regulation / dysfunction - but they NEVER excuse it.

Even if, for arguments sake, it's all OP and her DPs fault and they should have done xyz when he was younger this situation where he's violent to them isn't going to help now. It's not like they can make up for anything that they didn't do by taking the abuse. It's a pattern of behaviour that is harming him as much as them and I think they'd be doing him a favour by refusing to be a part of it not having him back home.

Dear

How and at what age did it get to this stage?
Are there any good times you can remember?
Did you try to get any help?

Sorry, unfortunately I don't have any answers,even though I wish there were some answers.
So that I could understand, what happens to these young men.
It is devastating that the children we have bought up, then grow up to get to this stage.

I am in a similar situation. Though, my DS is 15 years old. I am a single parent.
No father on the scene.
He is very verbally and physically abusive and rude. It's exactly how you have described it word for word. I am trying to get help but there is no help available because he won't change.
The GP has spoken to him, the school Pastoral support have spoken to him. School have got social services involved, have told him the consequences of his behaviour.
The last result will be, when he is 18, he can just move out.

My first thought was to call the police.

However, as you say here's only here for one more week, I think I'd sit it out. Once he leaves, you write and inform him that he's nit coming back.

You need to stop and confrontation (not blaming you, for your safety). Don't go to his room.