AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Sadly there are quite a lot of threads about even young dc with neurological/other deep problems behaving very violently and dangerously especially during dis-regulated explosions , and it is very difficult to know where on earth to turn for help.

It seems to be something of a hidden problem in that, on a forum where desperate parents bring it up, you can see how it is not that unusual, but you would not know this from everyday life without experiencing it personally.

Now this DS is 20, it is all even more impossible, most likely. I think pp are right that the OP and her DH should prioritise their own safety and never live with him again, and keep him out. But, he is also their DS, and this is all heartbreaking too.
OP, once you are safer, maybe you could try to find advice and therapy for yourself amid this trauma.

I worked in a secondary school. The teenage pupil who punched me in the stomach didn't even know me and later had a good laugh about it with others.

Violent "outbursts" are often unprovoked.

I think calling the police is actually also for his own sake. He needs stopping in his tracks now. He needs to see the consequences.

This might be an eye roll for a person in control of their emotions, it should not 'enrage' him, if he becomes enraged over small things he'll never function in the real world. Under no circumstances would I ever, ever behave like this with my mum, or condone someone who did

Agreed. I'm ND. I've known many ND people who have never been violent.

Have you considered going for a barring/safety order. He absolutely needs to go.

This

This 100000 times over.
You KNOW where this is going with romantic partners.

report him asap and have it on record.

let’s hope future partners think to do a check with the police.

also you need to alert the police, if he can push you and bruise you over a cereal bowl, asking him not to return could trigger more violence and you’ll need the police to respond quickly.

wash your hands and get your locks changed. He can fend for himself.

But there are others who are, sadly.

That would defeat moving.

Not as simple as that from all sides.
Emotional IQ can be as low as 13 if he is autistic.
Not making excuses. He is a fully grown man, physically lashing out with violent impulses and his parents should feel safe in their own home, not walking on eggshells in it.
But their son may also be a danger to himself and to others, could escalate when cut off, may be classed as vulnerable in spite of his abhorrent behaviour and so adult mental health services (ha! yes, I know), outside agencies and pastoral uni support will all need to be aware.
This is obviously not the case if he is a wrong 'un, Nick Cotton man, who needs the police to shake him up. But ASC and PDA require specialist support ahead of rather than after an incident occurs. Sadly, the support isn't there in this country, not sure whether there'd be any where he is and as a pp pointed out, if he won't accept it, it becomes impossible.
The main priority is for OP and her husband to regain their safety and that might mean going NC/LC but it sounds as though OP needs and is asking for our permission to do this. OP, you have permission to go NC. If you feel your son's behaviour is going to escalate, please contact his university, the police or Prevent.
If you cannot move away quickly then you will need to take out an injunction. If you need to move then move.
If you are not worried about your son's future after you go NC, because he has destroyed your relationship through the DV, then go NC. You have been through enough. Please seek counselling for yourself.
LC: it comes down to whether you believe he has a personality disorder and cannot be helped or whether he has ASC and could be supported by experts as he emotionally matured.
CAMHS do not help with autistic people and as a pp has said, are so overwhelmed they only deal with active suicidal ideation. Not sure if your son has ever expressed this or not
PDA (which is still not on any diagnostic officially) is harder. The lack of control of a situation causes anxiety causes lack of control of the person.
If you are still going to worry about your son, move and then write from a new email that you are not buying a ticket, offering £ support or contact other than written email guidance. That leaves you with a trail, gives the distance, you know he is not dead, you can rebuild if he ever matured emotionally. But only you know how far it has gone, how he presents and whether you want him in your life at all.
I suspect not on what you have said but having been on both sides of NC it can be a relief but it can also be devastating.
💐🍀

Ok but part of having ND is struggling to manage emotions and many many ND people
need help and guidance to do so.

What did the private therapist at his school say?

He manages not to beat anyone up at university and in house shares.

He does it’s saved just for us.

Call the police.

Get him out.

Change the locks.

If he turns up after that, call the police again.

It sounds as though the poor lady has come to the end of her tether.
I have already suggested she call the police and change the locks.

Is he ever really nice to you OP?

I would do the same.

He needs help. I don't think you can just wash your hands of your son and cut him off financially. It sounds like he is deeply troubled and has been for a long time. I would not necessarily have him home unless/until he was in SERIOUS therapy--not just something done through school. Are you in therapy? I would want professionals involved with adivse throughout this process whatever it is. And I am sorry you are going through this.

People are referencing the dishes because OP said she and her dh had agreed to keep everything calm and non-confrontational (for their sake, not the son). So obviously people are going to wonder why would OP then be confrontational over some dishes. I don’t think anyone is blaming OP it’s just a strange choice to make under those circumstances.

I would tell him to leave now, but him a one way ticket and tell the University. If he can't rage at you he may take it out on someone else.

They do it with people they are more in a familiar setting with, then a huge amount of pent-up fury/stresses(?) suddenly explodes out.

If gets worse and worse though he might do it at university.

@FeckAboutAndFindOut · Today 15:31
seems to know a lot and gives very good advice imo in this desperate situation.

I agree he does but it doesn’t sound like he has any sense of consequence NOR does he get any given to him. This is sociopathic/narcissistic. Definitely needs therapy but no therapy can stop a narc.

So if OP boots him out, he may go on to do it to someone else, get arrested and charged hopefully.