AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

I've no advice to share, other than to say I agree with others that you should try to keep him calm till he leaves then change the locks/move and potentially get an injunction (or whatever it's called) to keep him away. And yes, a record with the police. I'm sorry you feel judged and ashamed - you are right in saying this is why people don't report. You've done nothing wrong. Nothing excuses this behaviour. I hope he goes away and leaves you in peace soon.

I would think it would be safer to make the police report after he has left the country to return to uni.

And lower houseproud standards and dishwashing expectations until he has gone. And let him wear his headphones and be rude.

Then change the locks.

Fuck me this place hits a new low every time a woman talks about being a victim of violence from men.

Oh but you MUST have done something to antagonise him
^^
You were mithering and nagging him
^^
Well you tried to hold him to account and got what you deserved so you don’t sound afraid of him.

Maybe the poor little lamb thinks you care more about furniture than him because you mentioned a new sofa and dishes

Women will never be free from the threat of male violence whilst there are so many women willing to excuse him. I’d say they should be ashamed of themselves but given some are on every thread about male violence, they seem to have replaced the capacity for shame with getting a thrill from ensuring an abuse victim is made to feel even more ashamed.

Good luck calling CAMHS. Current waiting lists in most areas are at least a year, and many won't take someone on unless they are actively suicidal.

There is no excuse but the reason might be something wrong with his brain.

So what did the therapist at the private school say? Have you tried any other therapy? Any idea what is causing the behaviour? Would he try getting help now?

I think I’d try texting him as to how you feel, how it can’t go on, outline boundaries and asking how you could help him. Point out that these behaviours aren’t ok and he needs help. Ask if there any problems he has struggled with that might be triggering it.Try not to make it too accusatory but validating any problems he may have without excusing the behaviour.

I’d also contact some of the charities and follow their advice as regards keeping yourself safe until he leaves.

So he'll batter his husband and/or partners instead. Doesn't stop him having children, either, with adoption and surrogacy - and you keeping quiet means that he could pass checks to have a baby or toddler and nothing would flag up on application or as child protection.

OP, the most important thing here right now seems to be everyone's safety and you don't sound safe to me. Can you ring Women's Aid now? I can't help feeling this will turn into a Police matter at some point so I think now might be the time to give them a call.

I can't see DS just drifting away and never bothering you again. Can you go and stay at someone else's house whilst making these calls? It sounds to me like you have tried to hide this for many years and no longer can. To get some help and resolution here I think you will need to get it out in the open.

I think the whys and wherefores can wait until he is housed away from you and everyone is safe. He sounds completely out of control and the relationship between him and you and DH has completely broken down. Please, for all your sakes, get some actual in real life support now, today, while you can.

If this was a woman being abused by her partner no one ( I hope ) would be looking for reasons/ excuses as to why he behaved like that. You took him the dishes? You antagonised him? FHS he’s a man he hit his parents and threatened. No excuses. OP says they’ve done everything they can to help him. Why can’t we just believe her?

Taking the dishes to his room was a total dick move regardless of his violent temper. He's an adult. If your husband didn't do something, is this how you'd deal with it? It's ridiculous.

But that's a side issue. You need to deal with this now, because he'll soon be going to his own home and hitting whoever lives with him there. I know it's hard, but you need to involve the police. This needs to go on his record, so future patterns can be recognised.

As a pp says I’d phone woman’s aide too. Domestic abuse isn’t always partner on partner.

If the op could afford private school they could have afforded private therapy and psychiatry . MH trumps education. Some of us have had to cope with supporting struggling ND youngsters on very little, certainly not wages that afford private education.

That said what’s done is done. We can all look back in hindsight. It’s moving forward and keeping safe that’s important.

I would call the police and tell him he is no longer welcome. He’s an adult, fend for himself.

They did pay for private therapy. So just stop with the nasty digs and holier than thou nonsense.

You are an absolute fucking disgrace. How dare you excuse male violence like that.

yes how dare any mother be upset at her son breaking her fingers by stamping on her hand !

And it was useless. Therapy within a private school setting is a world away from being properly assessed by a qualified psychiatrist and clinical psychologist and trying several therapies or courses of treatment until you see improvement.

It does sound as if they were ripped off although we don’t know what feedback they were given or advice.

As I said what’s done is done. We can all
look back in hindsight re parenting. Not one of us does it perfectly or makes perfect decisions. You learn as you go on.

This sounds awful OP..I have nothing else to add except hold your nerve. Do not let him back into your home and seriously consider selling up and moving with no forwarding address. Hugs

Please do not have him back again, under any circumstances. No sob stories, no guilt trips. It's not safe - I agree that moving will be the best thing in the long run, and if you do decide to let him know you're moving, then absolutely do not tell him the address and be very, very careful whom you share this with. Don't assume friends or even loose acquaintances could be trusted on that, they might share it by accident.
Remember abuse can escalate at the point of separation, so be cautious. Definitely don't have a big "I'm leaving" exit convo, as he may well fly off the handle. Just leave quietly.

Don't try to reason with him, if he's a manipulative narcissistic type by the sounds of it you'll get nowhere. The time for dialogue is over, it's now time to focus on safety and creating a peaceful life.

It doesn't matter if it comes from a partner, son, sibling, abuse is abuse - this is a DV situation. Familial domestic violence so often flies under the radar. Don't let anyone minimise this, including professionals who don't always understand.

Prioritise your safety and mental health. Think about speaking to Women's Aid, and don't hesitate again to ring police if you feel unsafe anytime.
He's old enough to live independently - let him, and move on with your lives. I can't imagine how hard it is but you've made it this far, you're survivors. You can get through this, move on, and start over.
Wishing you all the best xx

I agree with regard to the bruise.

I had difficult dental surgery on Friday morning. The bruise on one side of my face has now faded to yellow.

Bloody hell... Being frustrated is an excuse for a grown man hitting his mother?

You should ring the police. However if you won't do that don't engage with him at all. I would go out all day every day until he went back to Uni. Please rethink the police, if he's violent towards you he may be violent towards others.

Has this behaviour come out of the blue? I assume he has caused issues before-can't you speak with the support workers/medical team for advice? As he's at uni, he's presumably capable of quite a lot/controlling his behaviour?

If this really has suddenly happened, I'd be worried about drug use/medical issues and not just trying to get him out-you've asked for opinions so I'd be trying to get medical help, and if he refused, call the police for his sake, yours and anyone else he might come in contact with.

Right!! Imagine if someone hit you in the street and it was excused cos they were frustrated

Whilst it's not right that he is being abusive, did you not realise that by taking his dishes to him in his room this would escalate the situate? It's clear that this would enrage him.

Have you tried family therapy?

Make him aware that he is not to return home any more in between university unless he is prepared to treat you and your home with respect.