AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

@Notmynameforthis If you do move house don’t just leave it for the new owners to have to deal with a potentially violent man on their doorstep. Once you’ve moved you should let him know that you no longer reside there. I can’t imagine the stress of having an aggressive stranger on their doorstep. You can be subject to a lawsuit in this scenario if new owners are not made aware.

For fuck's sake, do we NEED context for actual physical violence against his mother, you ludicrous violence excuser?

You asked if he'd been assessed. You didn't ask if he had been assessed for support or CAMHS. The indications are that he would not have co-operated anyway.

He sounds horrible and highly abusive.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

He is a bully and a disgrace.

I would call the police. Tell them you are being intimidated in your own home.

Please do this. It only ever gets worse with these sorts of people.

Don’t be so dramatic. If it was when he was younger and there had been other inflammatory behaviours or a conflict scenario with both sides involved whilst not great it’s entirely different to somebody just choosing to stamp on somebody’s finger for zero reason.

Please report him to the police. It doesn't matter if he is gay or not. Any future partner / child is likely to be a victim of abuse. I couldn't live with myself. I reported a violent neighbour for the sake of the woman/ children in the house.

He would not do that , he thinks his behaviour can stay behind these walls. I wish now that I had called the police when he was a young teen, although my husband thinks it would have done no good whatsoever.

Unfortunately this is true I think. It might work with a normal student DS but not for one with autism and PDA.

Okay my lovely.
You sound desperate and anguished.
It sounds as though you have been dealing with this, both on your own, for all of his life with no outside help.
It also sounds as though, and not judging as it is perfectly understandable, that your patience and love has run out.
We talk of unconditional love for our children but if being abused, that becomes untenable.
He is 20. You know he is safe for now. You are not.
He is going back to uni.
How much longer does he have left of his course?
Where does he currently reside in term time?
Does he have student loans and the savvy to extend them when you do cut him off financially?
When was he next due back?

How horrible.
He is an adult now, he doesn't need any more coddling, ND or not.
He must take responsibility for his own behaviour. If he refuses therapy and meds, that's on him, not on OP.
Some people here talk as if he were still a child. It looks like OP has done everything in her power to help him in the past.

Yes I did

“At the very least I’d be trying to unpick it and getting him some support. If he’s been that difficult all his life, were CAMHS involved, did you get him assessed privately by a psych, try therapy….”

I don't think following an adult male who has assaulted you with dirty crockery was a wise decision and perhaps indicates the OPs mental health and decision making have been compromised by being physically and mentally abused.

TBH i would tell him to pack his things and go today. I wouldn't be waiting.

If he doesn't go phone police and tell them he is causing damage, being threatening and you want him out.

You would have even better to call CAMHs or a private psychologist, psychiatrist if CAMHs bore no fruit. A young teen in crisis needs help.

Ah, I was right and you are exactly what I said. You are desperately fabricating reasons why this violent man isn't a violent man. Well done you.

That was posted after the post asking about therapy.

Of course you shouldn't let him back. Although I think it might be worth considering whether you should continue giving him money - or, perhaps, if you can afford it, more money? Like, say, enough for him to have accommodation elsewhere in the holidays? I mean, obviously this kind of behaviour should never be rewarded, BUT, if it's the price of your freedom from his abuse, perhaps it's an option worth considering. He's more likely to be able to support himself with a degree; you wouldn't want him dropping out due to lack of funds and then making you feel responsible for him. I'd say support him until he graduates and then a few months to get a job. If you afford it, a deposit on a flat rental or whatever will get him settled somewhere that isn't your house. Hell, buy him a car if that's what he needs to get to work. Not for his sake, for your own. After that, not a penny. And he doesn't cross your threshold unless he's really changed and apologised and you feel sure he won't act like this again.

What’s done is done anyway.

You need to focus on keeping yourself safe, avoiding conflict and getting him some help.

Do you have an idea why he behaves like this?

Such a tough situation OP. My heart goes out to you.

If you can't be convinced to go to the police (and I hope you will reconsider, you have to think about his future victims), please do not back down on cutting him off.

Thabk you ❤️

I don’t want to go into details but he is studying abroad and can survive without financial help from us , we were hoping but it’s not absolutely necessary.

He would be next due at Christmas, but I won’t be booking a ticket and he will not be returning here. He has 2 more years left at university

Whatever

Exactly! I sometimes rile my DH up but he doesn’t stamp on my fingers or drag me around the room by my arm!!
There is no excuse for this sort of violence!

The fact that it was a different incident was exactly the point of my post. It's clear that there have been a large number of violent incidents. Much as you would like to try to pick apart each and every incident to find a way to blame OP, maybe accept that she and her husband are entitled not to like being punchbags.

I must say, stamping on someone's hand seems to me well beyond any sort of excusable retaliation to provocation.

I am so sorry OP. Abuse from your only child must be so emotionally painful.

It is one of the last taboos really - children assaulting their parents (physically and according to something I read last week, even sexually). The shame we carry as parents when our children don't reflect our values or even common decency is misplaced (assuming no back story or history) and it's difficult to say 'out loud' that my child is abusive and I don't like them. But some people are just vile and it's nothing you have or could have done.

I DO think it's still worth police intervention if there is one single more episode before he is gone this time. I think it's worth it for a few reasons:

1. He will have it on his record which he should. Future abuse (whether towards you, a future partner or someone else) is far more likely to be taken seriously if he already has form.
2. It sets a seal on the commitment you and your DH have made that this is the last time.
3. It tells your son that you are no longer prepared to carry his shame and cover for him.

Actually as I write this, I think it's worth making a report whether there is any further escalation or not - for all the reasons above.

I applaud your DH (and you) for not resorting to violence yourselves, but equally, you have been too passive for too long OP.

Own the fact that your son is wrong. Say it out loud and make the shame all his, and then start taking the steps to remove this toxic and painful relationship from your lives.

Maybe one day in the future, your son will have a turning point, seek therapy and change at which point you could build a tentative relationship, but maybe he won't. That's a real possibility but it is not your problem to solve.

I wish you luck and a continued loving relationship with your DH. Thank God you have each other and are both on the same page.

Do tell, what would be a valid reason for a man with a history of violence to stamp on a woman's hand?