AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Whatever is wrong with this man it's not like repeatedly attacking his parents is going to cure it.

It's in OP's posts:

he was assessed for ADHD at 16 private then said he just went along with the assessment to get the medication. He then refused to take it after about his months . The doctor wanted him to return to be assessed for autism but he won’t go.

Demanding he do washing up immediately and following him up to his bedroom during a heightened argument with dirty crockery could easily trigger dis regulated behaviour.

Honestly, OP, I'd definitely be talking to the police about this, particularly given you feel he might kill you.

It sounds as though you own a business - is that right? I do think you should move house, though it's more difficult if there's a way of him contacting you via work.

There's an organisation called PEGS which can help with violent adult children.

One thing I'd do as soon as he leaves is change your bank account numbers and card numbers, and I'd change my internet password, too. Don't leave yourself open to financial abuse from him in the future. In fact I think you need to look at that immediately, though I'm worried in case he realises you've changed your account details while he's still there.

Do you know whether he has any friends at university? Does he do any of the work? How does he appear to others?

I think the previous poster was right. Once he leaves, put your house on the market and move without telling him where. He truly does sound dangerous. I have read somewhere that the most dangerous time for a person who suffers from DV is the time when they stand up to their abuser and are leaving the relationship. Please be aware of that. I would worry that cutting off funds may be his tipping point.

I'm in a similar situation. It is classed as Domestic abuse so you can approach domestic abuse services in your area.

Most are very much set up for partner/ex partner abuse but should be accessible to any victims of domestic abuse.

Most domestic abuse is not reported to police & they should understand that. There's lots of other safety planning, advice & support that can be offered. Civil injunctions (non-mol) can be done through family court without involving police.

No it isn’t. Original op had no mention of psych assessment for MH support or CAMHS.

She confirmed that he had been assessed as having ADHD, though he refused to return for further assessment for possible ASD.

I feel for you OP and I was in a similar position myself.
Stuff of nightmares that people find hard to comprehend.
I was a single parent so had to deal with it alone.
My point is that I wasn't strong enough (emotionally or otherwise) to get him to leave.
Suffice is to say that there was no happy ending. Details spared.
I totally understand your reluctance to call the police. How long has he left at university and what are his plans after that?

Call the Police please.
I don't care if he is your son, his behaviour is horrific.
And change the locks too.
Bless you both.

I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, abuse is traumatic as it is, with it being your only child I really feel for you.
I would say he needs reporting to the Police so if a future partner of his ever does a Clare’s Law on him, it’ll come up that he has history of abuse.
Secondly, I’d advise having to move away unfortunately. You may not let him in the house, if he’s aggressive as he sounds, a few smashed windows won’t bother him. If he wishes you both dead, he could set your house on fire while you sleep.
I’d move away, don’t leave a forwarding address, don’t tell your neighbours where you’re moving to (so he can’t bully the information out of them) and keep where you live on a strictly need-to-know basis.

You do need to put your feelings aside and report him to the Police to protect others.

To be honest I’m finding it hard to see bruises on that photo. You need a brighter, clearer one in case you need it in the future as evidence.

Oh ffs. It's happening more and more on here.

But maybe not if she rings when he hits her and her husband, stamps on her fingers, violently destroys her belongings etc etc.

Also have a look at Hollieguard app which is a domestic abuse/safety app that can discreetly collect evidence, alert agreed contacts to a risk & provides a monitoring service that can alert emergency services if needed.

He's an adult and there's no excuse for his behaviour. Even if you had been awful parents (definitely not saying you were, but if you had been), he can't abuse you and expect you to go on supporting him financially.

You need to start treating him the same way you'd treat a random person who behaved as he does. No more excuses for him, no second (third, fourth, millionth) chances, no hesitation to do what needs to be done to secure your own safety. Whether that means calling the police, moving, whatever. If it's possible to move, that's what I'd want to do, really. Changing the locks doesn't seem like enough, and police seem mostly to clean up the mess after it starts. They're not so good at preventing serious problems before they happen. (Still worth reporting, though.)

How do you imagine this man is going to cope with work where he is going to be asked to do things he doesn’t want?
How is he coping at University? With work (the one he is getting back to in a week)?

If he can manage his anger at work etc… he can manage his anger at home too. Triggers or not.

Youre doing a huge disservice to him and any ND oerson by encouraging this idea that they have no control at all iver ther reactions and anger.

This
Both you and your OH are being abused by your son and he should be called out on his behaviour, even if it’s only a firm word from a police officer. Allow this to continue and your son might abuse anyone who crosses his path

I really feel for you. You can hear the anguish in your posts and Can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel knowing this is your son. I do, however, think you are making a massive mistake by not involving the police, he will continue to think he is untouchable and if he doesn’t come back to abuse you, he would always certainly go on to do so in future relationships the fact that it’s a man shouldn’t matter.

I know you don’t want any trouble and keeping your head down for a few days, but if anything happens, I would urge you to call the police, press charges and get her restraining order against him.

What did the therapist say? Did they give any advice?Have you tried any of the charities that help parents in this situation? Might be worth contacting a couple.

It sounds as though you yourself are embroiled and setting up confrontations with both your DS and you throwing down the gauntlet and drawing the battle lines.

I don’t think you should just withdraw money out of the blue. Wait till things are calmer. Maybe try to go out somewhere neutral and then discuss a path forward setting out sensible steps so he gets a job and his own place to live but also finishes his degree.

It sounds as though things went wrong a long time ago and that you actually hate him. He must know it too.

I am very sorry for you though, it must all be so difficult and awful and I wouldn’t know what to do either. 💐

This is domestic abuse. You and your DH are in danger and due to this please call the police now.

i know you think it is your fault. I think this is unlikely. However, where the fault lies does not matter for now. Your life and limb are at risk and the main concern os to keep you safe.

Once your DS is out of the house, you can start considering why is behaving so violently. For example is he on drugs? Has he been radicalized in some way? Could he have some psychiatric illness?

ND young people can’t just flip a switch. Becoming more informed re their ND, coping strategies, how to mange emotions etc is what helps.Not recognising this is what does a disservice to ND young people- and their families .

And it did, but it doesn't excuse violence, does it? And it hardly explains charmless actions like stamping on a woman's hand, does it?

The stamping was a different incident and we don’t have any context re that.