AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Call the police.

Im so sorry this is happening and its not your fault, is he living with others in a house share as im assuming hes not smashing up that house and hitting people and not doing his washing up,.kick him out and enjoy your life,.

I will add, OP, ignore people attempting to analyse the causes for their own entertainment. People love to cast blame, and unless they've experienced this situation they will happily use their imaginations to fill in the blanks.

The priority right now is your immediate - and also ongoing - safety. You and your husband can't facilitate this on your own, so you need to involve the police. When there's a neutral third party with no emotional links dealing with a situation, it becomes much more manageable

Yes there's lots of victim blaming, it's a disgrace. We only ever have one side of the story on Mumsnet, on every single thread. Stop making excuses for male violence.

Some people can just be bad people even if they come from good families.

Please call the police to protect your own family and others. You deserve to be safe in your own home. He could be abusive to any current or future partner, whatever the gender.

Hi OP. I have posted previously about our son who tried to defraud us via a POA when DH went down with dementia. Realising you have a child capable of great cruelty and harm is extremely hard and stressful. However, in the short term you must prioritise your safety. Is there someone you can confide in who would come round while you ask him to leave? Certainly change the locks and do not let him back in for the next Uni break.

Document all incidents and make him aware you have done this. Write clearly to say he is not to return. Seek advice from the Police as to what to next.

To those of you saying this is down to bad parenting I am really pleased you have had great outcomes with your kids. In some cases though, even with really supportive parents children can be very abusive. Unless you have experienced this you really will struggle to understand.

she said they paid fot private assessments for ADHD and he refused to
go for an autism assessment recommended by the doctor. They said they have tried everything over the years to help their son.
People should try actually reading the posts properly instead of going into blame mode with zero evidence for it. People have implied the OP has been violent to her son, is controlling , is reacting to him being gay etc etc .
No wonder victims of male violence dont speak.out. Somehow it is always the woman's fault.

My husband was mildly abusive to his mother. Mildly. When we married his abuse to me escalated to the point he strangled me, drowned me, raped me, beat me unconscious and repeatedly kicked me stomach when i was pregnant (led to cuts, bruises, broken ribs and a dead baby), tied me up, held me hostage, sent revenge porn and the fractured my skull. That is a small tidbit.

Your son is dangerous. Call the police.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside

It is interesting that the OP is not explaining why she thought, having decided with her husband to keep things calm until he leaves for uni in a week, it was reasonable and even justified to make a scene about a few unwashed breakfast dishes - when they are both so scared of his anger, his outbursts and his violence.

He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .

Apart from the violent son, there is something really wrong and crazymaking in this household.

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds so difficult and no I don’t disagree with your plan. It sounds like you have tried everything.

my son is much younger but we are seeing a physcologist for his violence, it’s making no difference and I truely worry I’ll be in your position in 10 years. At some point it’s going to stop bejng my responsibility to fix and become his, but until that point I’ll do everything in my power to try and change his behaviour and reactions, I’m sure you were the same. People with no experience of it never understand and assume it’s poor parenting.

He's 20!! Not three years old. He's a grown ass man who is responsible for his own emotional regulation.

I need to know - what age would he have to be before you stopped making excuses for him?

You clearly don't recognise what abuse and violence actually is. That's very worrying. I hope you're ok in life. Maybe you should do the freedom programme to raise your awareness.

OP is giving no info as to context or whether this is learned behaviour and if she or her husband has hit or pushed him in the past.

Why would she give details of something that hasn't happened?

Do you seriously expect her to set out a long history of every violent incident and the background to it or your delectation?

Move and don’t give him your new address

He saw a therapist in his 2nd primary for many years, it was a private school so they were happy to just add it to the bill with absolutely no improvement at all . He did have an assessment for ADHD at 16 as I said but was extremely manipulative and became quite angry when the doctor saw through him. He wanted him to return for an assessment for Autism, he refused to return. He refused to accept the diagnosis afterwards even though he asked for it . He may kill me , I do know that.

My husband told him that we would not be supporting him financially after he hurt me last week, he said he was glad to hear that a business was having a tough and time and wished us poverty in retirement. He wishes us dead I do know that.

They're probably living with similar abuse and don't recognise it for what it is, hence the excuses.

If he assaults you or vandalises your home again immediately call the police and press charges.

He is a grown adult and knows right from wrong.

A man who thinks nothing of assaulting his mother will think nothing of assaulting his future partners.

He needs to understand there consequences to his actions and cannot be allowed to get away with what he’s doing.

Domestic abuse comes in many forms - this is one of them. You need to protect yourself before he kills one of you. Just like a battered wife, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of, but you need formal help. You can tell him to leave but without more, he'll just come back.

https://riseuk.org.uk/get-help/about-domestic-abuse/child-to-parent-abuse
https://www.college.police.uk/article/support-child-parent-abuse
https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/114-capva

Some people are just born with a type of personality. It’s not always upbringing.

Not entirely sure what a good family is but violent and agressive behaviour is strongly linked to childhood trauma, abuse, and neglect, though it is rarely caused by any single factor.

Children who are gay or ND often endure bullying. He could have suffered from bullying or any kind of of trauma. Who knows but you don’t just become a bad person.

If, as you claim, you know anything about neurodiversity you will be well aware that the triggers for dysregulated behaviour can be extremely varied and diverse. They can be caused by issues like sudden changes in routine, frustration through not understanding something or not being able to get something that he wants, or stress caused by loud noises, or a reaction to a bad day when the person has spent a lot of time trying to mask their difficulties. You have zero reason (apart from your wish to find excuses for violence) for assuming OP or anyone else did anything aggressive towards her son.

I’m estranged from my 35 year old son for the last eight years . He has called me vile names such as a cunt etc . I can’t go into detail as it’s too outing. A family member has stirred the pot also making it worse than it needs be . I have been blamed for something out of my control. I have blocked him after the last foul outburst . I have told him if he needs us the door is open but I’m not tolerating his abuse anymore. I’m not contacting him anymore, I’m putting my mental well being first .

I would support him OP until he graduates then he is on his own .

I think you are excusing abuse. Are you saying that the thousands of wife abusers are also ND or that they have suffered trauma? Some may have done. Some are just brutal men.

At least one of the apologists are male and has referred to a woman as Karen on another thread !