AIBU to feel hurt by husband’s comments about my body confidence?

[YourFluentGoose]

I’m looking for some perspective because I can see both sides and I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive.

My husband and I have been together since university, married for 15 years, are now entering our 40s and we have four children three boys and a girl. Our youngest is nearly three.

We were quite active together for a long time, go hikes have climbed mt Kilimanjaro, have completed LeJog together multiple times and a lot of other cycling. We’ve cycled across Europe. We still cycle together now the kids are older we can take them all. All in all we are very active. I have watt bike that I cycle on every single morning to start my day.

My husband is a good man. He’s supportive, a brilliant dad and I know he loves me. I love him very much too. But the last year has been the hardest we’ve had as a couple. We’ve lost some of our connection and he feels like I’ve neglected our marriage. He has even suggested counselling because he doesn’t want us to drift apart.
The thing I struggle with most is my confidence.

Before children I was much more comfortable in my body. I’m not 50kg anymore and after four pregnancies my body has changed a lot. I know my body has done something amazing, but I don’t feel confident in it.

I do work out I’m up most mornings exercising and I do try, but confidence hasn’t just returned.

We went on holiday to the Caribbean with the children and I really struggled. I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.

My husband got frustrated and we ended up having an argument. He said I “need to fucking work on myself” and that he worries about what our daughter will learn if she sees me being so uncomfortable and hiding my body.

I know he probably means he wants me to feel happier and more confident, and I don’t want my daughter growing up ashamed of herself either. But the comment really hurt because I feel like I am trying. I’m not choosing to feel this way.

It has affected our sex life too. Since having our youngest, I often wear an oversized top during sex. It helps me feel less exposed. It’s not because I don’t want my husband I love him and I want that closeness but I struggle looking at myself sometimes and feel much more comfortable covered.

Recently we tried to have sex and he stopped halfway through because he felt I wasn’t really into it. He said it feels as though I can’t even have sex with him without feeling insecure and I’m not the person he has known all these years.

I understand that he wants me to feel good about myself, he does things to help me feel good and confident but I also feel like he doesn’t understand how much motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding and body changes can affect how you see yourself.

AIBU to feel hurt by the way he spoke to me and think he needs to be more understanding?

Hopefully someone will respond soon who can see your point of view. I’ll put the other one forward:it sounds like he’s frustrated by your hang ups, because he loves you and thinks you’re fabulous as you are, and I know my DH would have been the same if I’d been like you. But I couldn’t care less in terms of sex and body confidence that I’ve got a cs overhang and I’m overweight. And there’s no way I’d be wearing clothes during sex. I would try to accept how things are for now, keep going with your fitness activities and enjoy the sex! Go for it!

And - I think he is right about setting an example to your daughter. She needs to see a mum confident in her body, not worried and covering up. Will it help if you focus on that to get you started? Modelling a positive approach for your daughter?

I was expecting yet another thread where the OP's H or partner had been disparaging about her body. But it comes over that your H accepts your body - which has inevitably changed through age and childbirth - and that he doesn't love you any the less because of it.
I have a certain amount of sympathy for him in that it sounds as though he has tried to be supportive and encouraging of you but is now exasperated because despite trying to support you your mindset hasn't changed.

Honestly OP you are the only one who can
accept yourself and it doesn't really sound as though your H has done much wrong.

His frustrations with you are definitely not going to help. Sorry, but to me he doesn’t sound supportive, just abit angry and fed up. If he’s going to say anything it should be to boost your self esteem.

I definitely want to be a positive example for daughter to look up and I try to be. I am just struggling a lot I’m not really sure what else I could do

I can understand his frustrations. I think you should try the couples counselling and some individual therapy. You say it's not your fault you feel that way but you are responsible for your actions arising from that feeling. You should try and address it for yourself as well as your DC and DH.

OP I am in exactly the same situation. But I’m a marathoner rather than a cyclist and my DH said something very similar the other day.
I also try everything to hide myself during sex and I’ve lost all confidence. I have gained weight and I am now menopausal and my confidence has sunk to an all time low. I am pretty sure it’s my hormones that have made me plummet down this awful hole. I have so much empathy but I can honestly say that I think your DH is coming from a place of frustration because he thinks you are gorgeous and he loves you and wants you. I know this is the case with mine. Please be kind to yourself, breathe deep and remember he adores you. When you got married it was knowing that you will both physically change. You will both get old and creaky and wrinkly and saggy. Bigger or smaller. Things change. I am trying desperately to remind myself every day. It is so hard. He is right of course that you are and should be a positive role model but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you are the one living in your body and are currently feeling so sad about it. You have every right to feel sad. He should just be holding you. Reassuring you. And this is what I said to my DH. It will take time and you will get there. We both will. 💐

It sounds like you've tried to "work on" your body physically, but no matter what you do, you're not going to be a 50kg 20yr old ever again, nor will you ever look like one again, no matter how early you get up. But it sounds like your husband loves you the way you are, and (although he could have been kinder) is rightly concerned about your daughter.

What have you done to "work on" how you feel inside, about your body and your relationship? You say he suggested counselling - what was your response?

I’m overweight and middle-aged but still enjoy sex-I don’t expect a young body from my partner, and I won’t feel ashamed of mine. There’s no way I’d be having sex with someone who was wearing a big, baggy top.

I don’t understand why he was so angry about what clothes you chose to wear on the holiday? You don’t have to wear a bikini or a swimsuit you’re not comfortable with if you don’t want to and the idea that it might be somehow damaging to your DD is plain wrong.

I also don’t get why he’s so angry at you for being uncomfortable when surely the obvious respond is care and concern. Not angry swearing.

You sound really healthy, active and in a good relationship. Your never going to be younger than today, go for some therapy around self esteem! I have, it helps

He probably could have been kinder but it sounds like frustration as it’s been going on a while? If you were all on a lovely holiday I can see how it may have been frustrating on the beach for example if you were visibility upset or hesitant about doing normal things such as being in the sea with your children or playing in the sand in a swimsuit. What exactly happened on the holiday for him to snap?

I do think it’s worth getting some counselling before your children start picking up on it.

She is allowed to feel how she feels. Without a man who has never experienced the ravages of childbirth and menopause on his body telling her how she should feel and how she should respond to those changes.
If she wants to wear a t shirt during sex she can wear a t shirt.
If she wants to get therapy to help her let it all hang out she can do that. Remember that MN mantra about nobody having to do anything sexually that they feel uncomfortable about. That includes t shirt wearing .

Ditto the beach wear . Remember that whole choice thing?

What she should not have to do is be harangued by a man telling her how to feel and what to wear.
And for good measure telling her she is a shit , bad example setting mother.
Yeah, Way to go on the confidence boosting. Twat.

I cant believe there are people on this thread justifying the husbands attitude.

Noone is saying that. OP wants to be more confident. Her husband wants her to be more confident. Posters are agreeing she should do what she can to regain confidence. Presumably she wants to enjoy sex again. Her husband doesn't want to have sex when he thinks she's not enjoying it.
What do you think the solution is? She should be unhappy and unconfident forever because... fuck men?

PS noone mentioned the menopause except for you.

I mean, 4 pregnancies and the youngest is only three. You and your body have been through a lot of change. I’m not sure any man could really comprehend what it’s like and what impact those changes can have on you physically and mentally.

Your marriage is now affected by the 4 children that you both have, it is inevitable that you are somewhat preoccupied with them and their needs. That doesn’t mean you are deliberately neglecting your husband and your marriage. You’re a lot busier than you used to be with a lot more people who demand your time and attention!

Literally nobody has said this. Reread the thread.

She is and has been doing what she can to address her issues.
She has not arrived at where he thinks she should be.
She actually may never arrive at where he thinks she should be. And she shouldn't have to. She certainly shouldn't have to listen to his shit. She should cover her own body in a way that makes her comfortable.
He would be begging me for sex in a t shirt before I let him near me again.

My mother never wore a bikini in her life. Her swim suits were positively Victorian. I managed not to be scarred by that.

Sorry, quick question …. when you say you’re trying to address your self esteem issues, what have you tried already? Have you focussed more on your body, trying to achieve a look you’re comfortable with, or have you been working on acceptance of how you look now? Bit of both?
Trying to think if there’s anything practical I could suggest that you haven’t thought of yet.

@montysmaw as most people have picked up on, all OP has volunteered in terms of what she's doing to regain confidence is trying to get 'in shape' - "I do work out I’m up most mornings exercising and I do try, but confidence hasn’t just returned." She's said nothing about what she's doing to help herself to love her body as it is.

It sounds however like her husband, reasonably, does not agree that she should only be confident if she's 50kg again. She says he's loving and brilliant and does things to try to help her confidence. He doesn't want to have sex with someone who isn't in to it. That's a good trait, not a bad one. I don't know what your comment "He would be begging me for sex in a t shirt before I let him near me again" means? He wants her to feel comfortable, happy and to enjoy sex and he doesn't want her to just go through the motions. That is a good thing. It would be good for both of them if OP could love herself as she is, because she should. I bet she's absolutely gorgeous still.

Your solution seems to be, she should shun him and hate him and be pissed off in her own body forever. Which doesn't seem great tbh.

I think I’d be really upset at being told “I need to fucking work on myself” when rightly or wrongly the OP feels like she has been working on herself, physically at least. Then add in the comment about how he feels that the OP has neglected the marriage, and the comment about being a bad example for the DD, and that she’s not the person he’s known all these years. That’s a lot of criticism. I would feel hurt, upset and rejected. Given that the husband also seems very angry about this too, rather than concerned and caring, that would bother me. It seems to totally ignore the fact she’s been busy producing his four children, breastfeeding them and managing their needs. That’s a lot. But apparently she’s not meeting his needs and expectations so it’s ok for him to be frustrated and angry at her?

I’ve had six kids, am menopausal and have scars from a fire. I really do understand not recognising your body, and that having an imprint on confidence. However, I also know when I’m feeling very low self-esteem wise it does frustrate my (very loving and caring) DP.

Talk to him. Ask him what he finds attractive about you, and give him the courtesy of believing him. Some answers may surprise you. My DP loves how soft my skin is, loves to stroke me just cuddled up naked - no agenda, it just clearly makes him happy. He loves my back, and if my top has a low back will kiss there. That doesn’t make me freeze or be self-conscious. Once I believed him about those things (which was easy as I know I for example personally find his forearms sexy even though he can’t see why, I just do) I braved asking him about other parts of my body and got different answers to what I was expecting (eg I hate how saggy my boobs are, how far south without a bra, he loves how they react to his touch and feel crushed against him. I would have felt comfortable with them hoicked up by a bra in bed but he wanted to feel them. It gave me confidence to not have the bra all the time. V different answers.) It took time but I went from wanting lights out all the time and hiding in t shirts to nowadays being stretched out naked just chatting in bed in the summer. DP clearly still loves me, clearly isn’t repulsed by me.

Men really can be looking at us differently to how we think about ourselves.
Also, some books may be helpful. “Women Don’t Owe You Pretty” and “The Likeability Trap” are good.

A lovely, thoughtful response @MrsPorridgepot

Agree with this^^

I have not worn a bikini since I was 24 years old. Nor a crop top. Nor shortish shorts. And no one is going to reverse shame me into wearing them now.

It doesn't help that over the years OH has said some pretty disparaging things about overweight women with 'wobbling thighs' etc. Never anything negative about me, but he will 'compliment' me saying things like 'You look lovely and trim!' when I am wearing something new (and slimming!). Yuck.

You both sound like really lovely, normal people going through a really normal thing. I dont think having a perfect body makes someone happy but being happy with your body definitely affects how you feel and what you radiate to others. I have both had weight loss surgery and worked my butt off and it has changed my life. It has given me confidence and I feel great and that shows. Whatever you do, dont wait until you are in your 50s to find your mojo like I did, life is short. X

“We went on holiday to the Caribbean with the children and I really struggled. I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.”

I think he has a point about your body confidence affecting your daughter. You were in the Caribbean, where doing things in and by the water is the whole point, and you didn’t want to wear any type of swimsuit and do those things. You’re potentially communicating to your daughter that it’s embarrassing for someone who looks like you to wear a swimsuit, and that you’re “too fat to be seen in one.”