AIBU to feel hurt by husband’s comments about my body confidence?

[YourFluentGoose]

I’m looking for some perspective because I can see both sides and I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive.

My husband and I have been together since university, married for 15 years, are now entering our 40s and we have four children three boys and a girl. Our youngest is nearly three.

We were quite active together for a long time, go hikes have climbed mt Kilimanjaro, have completed LeJog together multiple times and a lot of other cycling. We’ve cycled across Europe. We still cycle together now the kids are older we can take them all. All in all we are very active. I have watt bike that I cycle on every single morning to start my day.

My husband is a good man. He’s supportive, a brilliant dad and I know he loves me. I love him very much too. But the last year has been the hardest we’ve had as a couple. We’ve lost some of our connection and he feels like I’ve neglected our marriage. He has even suggested counselling because he doesn’t want us to drift apart.
The thing I struggle with most is my confidence.

Before children I was much more comfortable in my body. I’m not 50kg anymore and after four pregnancies my body has changed a lot. I know my body has done something amazing, but I don’t feel confident in it.

I do work out I’m up most mornings exercising and I do try, but confidence hasn’t just returned.

We went on holiday to the Caribbean with the children and I really struggled. I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.

My husband got frustrated and we ended up having an argument. He said I “need to fucking work on myself” and that he worries about what our daughter will learn if she sees me being so uncomfortable and hiding my body.

I know he probably means he wants me to feel happier and more confident, and I don’t want my daughter growing up ashamed of herself either. But the comment really hurt because I feel like I am trying. I’m not choosing to feel this way.

It has affected our sex life too. Since having our youngest, I often wear an oversized top during sex. It helps me feel less exposed. It’s not because I don’t want my husband I love him and I want that closeness but I struggle looking at myself sometimes and feel much more comfortable covered.

Recently we tried to have sex and he stopped halfway through because he felt I wasn’t really into it. He said it feels as though I can’t even have sex with him without feeling insecure and I’m not the person he has known all these years.

I understand that he wants me to feel good about myself, he does things to help me feel good and confident but I also feel like he doesn’t understand how much motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding and body changes can affect how you see yourself.

AIBU to feel hurt by the way he spoke to me and think he needs to be more understanding?

He should not have sworn at you, that's aggressive and uncalled for unless it is a normal accepted part of your arguments. Does he compliment your body? Make you feel beautiful or desired? Does he let you know he loves your body now?

There are a few different things going on here, I think.

You should wear what makes you feel comfortable, and if you feel better covering up, that alone is not going to give your daughter a complex. Plus, he shouldn't swear at you - that's just not acceptable. It's also understandable that having had several children who are still young, you're still mentally adjusting to the changes to your body.

At the same time, if he's normally very vocal about how much he likes your body, then I imagine he feels frustrated and saddened that you're hiding parts of yourself that he loves to see and touch because you have an unfounded (if understandable) perception that it isn't attractive (to who, if he loves it?)

I used to feel self-conscious of my body immediately post-kids, because it wasn't exactly how it used to be. Meanwhile, my husband actually thought I was more appealing than ever. Eventually, I realised I was just hurting myself by determinedly hanging onto this idea that how I looked wasn't 'good enough', and decided 'fuck it'. Who was I judging myself for, and why? Why was I holding myself to some arbitrary standard that no one but me cared about? It's very freeing to accept that while your body may have changed, it doesn't actually mean you're less attractive - just different.

I think it might be good to take him up on the suggestion of counselling, if he's still keen. It might help him better understand how you feel, and vice versa.

I think you're unreasonable about wearing clothes during sex. Who wants that?!

But ... you're not unreasonable to feel you want to cover up more in public. I'm a good 20 years older than you, and I've found - without really thinking about it - I don't want to expose my body in public as much as I used to. I used to be comfortable topless sunbathing on the beach - now I wear a one piece boy shorts style swim suit. I tend to cover my arms more.

It's not lack of body confidence- I just don't want my body on show in public. It's my body.

But the sex thing - that must be a bit of a slap in the face to your DH.

But the comment really hurt because I feel like I am trying. I’m not choosing to feel this way.

You say you're trying, OP. What are you doing?

I suspect you're being a bit unreasonable because it sounds like your DH is trying to get you to address your attitude towards your body whereas everything in your posts sound like you're trying to address the physical appearance of your body.

I'm not trying to have a go at you here, I understand how much pressure women are under. I'm just pointing out that fundamentally the issue is that you are letting what you think other (often anonymous, never-to-be-seen-again) people's opinions on your body will be stop you from enjoying your life. And it's affecting your family too. That's not something you fix by making your body good enough. It's something you fix by realising your attitude to it harms you and people you love and so changing your attitude.

OP didn’t want to wear any type of swimsuit, though, which I think is a lot different from wearing one that covers more skin.

You do need to work on yourself for YOU. Do you strength train? Because that can be a huge boost to self confidence- strong not skinny! Get some therapy and work on your self esteem because you deserve to live a life free from feeling shit about yourself.

I actually agree with him. I don’t love my body either. But I have 3 daughters and I will do anything I can to promote positive body image, including wearing a bikini whilst saying nothing about my body image. I would also find it really difficult if my husband insisted on wearing clothes during second when I loved him unconditionally.

Get help. Get therapy. Talk to a professional. You can't go on like this. Your husband is right. The way you feel is very problematic for your daughter and your marriage. See a therapist pronto

Well, people telling you to "just be more confident" is as useful as somebody barking at you to "just relax". Start with the physical. I'm not a doctor but bloods first I would think- thyroid, iron, b12, that sort of thing. Expanded to testosterone and whatnot if need be.
Then therapy.
Do you get time to yourself, to do your thing? Not fixing yourself time but enjoying yourself time? I would think with 4 children, not a pile and that's not going to magically change but if you are a bit chronically sleep deprived and having to think about getting it all done all day every day, your adrenals are probably crying for mercy by now. At least it's a reason when you're thinking, what happened to my brain?
You might not be into "tree hugging hippie crap" as Cartman would say, but it could be worth getting into the company of women of that kind sporadically.

What she should not have to do is be harangued by a man telling her how to feel and what to wear.
Don't know how you have taken that interpretation from what OP said.

There are many many threads on MN where a man deserves condemnation but I don't think this is one of them. Yes he is exasperated but he obviously cares deeply about OP and the effect her lack of body confidence is having on their relationship and potentially on their family.

It never ceases to amaze me that supposedly intelligent men imagine they can father four children and still have as much attention from their mother as they did before.
While I agree with him you do need to work on yourself (your confidence that is, not your appearance!) he needs to do likewise, grow up and accept the four children he created won't raise themselves without huge input from you, which invariably means he takes a backseat for a few years.
If he sees the long game, he would understand that doing this with good grace will lay the foundations for your marriage to be all the better when the hard work eases.
Meanwhile, you should try for your sake to manage your preoccupation with your body. Focus on health and fitness not aesthetic goals, because the answer to a lack of body confidence isn't to continually try to improve your appearance with your young pre child self as your goal.
You aim should be for what you look like to be a peripheral part of your life, which means a concerted effort to distract yourself from yourself with other things. Example, on the beach you don't keep thinking about your appearance, you think about where you are, what you're doing and who you're with.
It takes work, but can be done. In fact given our bodies age and change in ways we don't like regardless of our efforts, it must be done if we are to spend our lives happily.

OP you say you are trying and don't know what else to do, but what are you doing? Are you going to the gym and lifting weights if you want to change your body shape? Are you calorie counting if you want to lose weight?

Him getting cross and shouting is unhelpful and perhaps unreasonable. He’s right to worry about your DD. You don’t want her focusing on what she looks like instead of how fit she is.

Has he been trying to reassure you and support you, but your focus has been on what you think your body looks like?

Are you sure you aren’t struggling with body dysmorphia?

Have you worked on body acceptance, on confidence, or only on pointlessly trying to turn back the clock?

Is your body strong enough and healthy enough to keep up with all the physical demands on it?

You are worth much more than your looks- and your dd needs to know that too! You should be in the photos, and having a wild time in the pool and on the beach, not checking whether the cover up is doing its job.

Does he tell you you are beautiful and desirable? Boost your confidence ? I wish I’d worn everything I wanted to in my 40s because I look back at photos and think what the heck was I worried about.

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP and it's a shame to see some judgy posts on here but that's how MN is lately. Can't understand women bashing other women siding with a man they don't know. Not the point of this site.

Thinking of your sitch, I think it would be better if your hubby tries to build you up rather than bringing you down, if my man had told me to "fucking work on myself" that would have just made me withdraw and damaged our relationship. It's absolutely not ok to speak to you like that. This isn't going to be fixed with him telling you what to do, swearing at you, moaning when you wear a tee in bed. He needs to learn to listen, be kinder to you, support you and reassure you. It doesn't matter if he's done all that before, that doesn't mean he should stop doing all that for you now. You're married, and as your hubby he needs to treat you with love and respect. I also think it was out of order for him to question the example to your daughter. That was a low blow, and a pretty misogynistic thing to say. Men don't share our experience of navigating self-esteem as a woman in a world that doesn't support the changes our bodies go through. He doesn't get it, he hasn't been there, and he should be more supportive, not weaponising the situation against you. He comes across as spoiled tbh.

Be kind to yourself, refocus on your own wellbeing, and definitely seek an apology for the "fucking work on yourself" comment. It was hurtful, unhelpful, and not the way a man should speak to anyone, let alone the mum of his kids.

You got this & things will get better xx

I was like you; trying to boost my confidence by dieting and reducing my body.

I understand why your husband was upset as someone who’s always banging on about something you don’t care about is annoying. But I also agree that he should have been much kinder about how he approached it!!

I have done a LOT of work with some very very good people and read a lot of books to completely change my core beliefs.

My value is not in the shape or size of my body.
My worth comes from being a loving and patient Mum.
A thoughtful and committed friend
A hardworking and honest employee
A fun and positive influence on those around me….

Once I started to accept that, I found my new shape and size mattered a whole lot less. I am still very active, I run and lift weights (which made me bigger but MUCH much stronger) so I take worth from
being able to lift heavy boxes, run for the bus, touch my toes etc. And I also appreciate that my body is much healthier, stronger and probably the best it’s ever going to be!

You could have some therapy to work on your view of yourself and your confidence? It sounds like all the exercise your doing isn't actually helping you feel better about yourself, it seems like you're just feeling frustrated and at a bit of a plateau. It sounds like you want your body to return to how it used to be, which is never going to happen without some very serious interventions (multiple surgeries). So it seems like you need to find a way to make peace with how things are. Therapy might be able to help with that.

I'm in team DH, I think he loves you for who you are and wishes you could feel the same way.

My body got totally changed by pregnancy.

not going to comment on the wider issues but honestly these days many many people cover up quite a lot when swimming due to sunburn and skin cancer issues.

we always made our kids wear rash vests over swimsuits when swimming and we did as adults too - not fair to ask your kids to do something you are not.

rash vest over a boy leg Speedo style swimsuit is what I have swum in for the last twenty years and it’s never given anyone the impression I don’t have body confidence - not least because I wang on about skin cancer to anyone who will listen.

these days I’m disabled (was in an accident) and I cover up even more because there are scars on my body I don’t like looking at or exposing to anyone else. I wear burqinis which are Islamic swimming costumes - so basically rash vest and leggings in swimsuit material. It’s very comfortable to swim in.

the rest I can’t comment on, but I do think saying you are setting a bad example to your daughter is unfair.

Tbf, I don't ever wear a swimsuit either, as I have very noticeable self harm scars all down one thigh that I don't want my children or strangers seeing. I also don't wear anything that might show bare thigh, and I've been very strategic about making sure my children only see my 'good' side when changing/showering. It hasn't caused them any body image issues.

What's more important than what OP wears, imo, is whether she engages in negative self talk around her kids, or whether her body language is visibly negative.

I don't think that you are unreasonable but then neither really is your husband. I think rather than couples counselling you need some individual sessions. You seem to have been very fit and probably enjoyed the body that went with that. You are still fit by the sounds of it but your body looks different. You need help coming to terms with that and with aging generally.

There are 4 body stages: immature, maiden, matron and matriarch. Our society reveres the figure of the maiden but we can not maintain it for life. It is normal and natural for our bodies to change especially after children. This is what you need help with, being confident in the body you now have.

Soft YABU.

He isnt trying to belittle you or push sex, he wants you to feel comfortable in yourself. And kindly cant pick a swimsuit and enjoy a holiday is quite low confidence. Because honestly most of us have doubts about swimwear.

I think hes right, you need counselling maybe some with him but defo some alone. Noone especially your family wants to see you feel like this and watch the distance grow as you retreat into yourself.

And you know something its fine to say this happened because ive had 4 kids etc etc.. but it isnt OK to stay in this feeling forever because of it. "Thats just me" will keep getting more down and less motivated and more distant from the people who want you to grow your confidence.

Are you seeing a therapist?

When you say you didn’t want to wear a bikini do you mean you wore bigger swimsuits but still went to the pool etc or did you avoid wearing any kind of swimwear and pool/beach activities? Because the difference is mum wears what she wants and still gets involved and mum doesn’t play with us at the pool on our holiday and it’s probably the latter your husband is more concerned about in terms of setting examples.

your body won’t be the same, you haven’t actually said if you’ve lost weight etc but it sounds like you are fit regardless of appearance. Maybe therapy would help to accept the body you have now and work on your confidence.

also just as a small anecdote, I’m currently on holiday with my mum and two daughters. I’m 46 (youngest is 4) and I’ve made a concious effort for them to see me in the pool etc, they just want to play with me.

my mum joined us a couple of days in and she asked if I’d been for a swim, and I realised when we’d talked about taking the girls to the pool etc she’d not assumed id been there, she just assumed my husband had. And I realised she’d never done that. I never once swam or played in the pool with my mum and at 46 that still makes me sad

Hey! Fellow Lejogger here but I only did it the once 🤣 I have three kids. I don’t look the same. But, let’s be honest, were you expecting to?

I think the issue can sometimes be that’s when you have been extremely fit, you can be very aware of what you’ve “lost”. Would you be so harsh on your friends if they looked like you, thinking they shouldn’t be seen on a beach etc? It sounds like you’re judging yourself extremely harshly!

My unqualified opinion is that you’re trying to exercise your way back to the past… How do you feel though? Fit? Strong? I bet you are from what you’ve written. I think you may need to let go a bit of what things used to be like.

Loving your body isn’t always easy, but it sounds like your husband does, and thinks you should too! Good place to start.

Did this issue stop you doing things on holiday? If you were uncomfortable in s swimwear were you huddling on the towel rather than joining in? If so I see his point. Or were you throwing a t shirt on i er it and getting stuck in?