AIBU to feel hurt by husband’s comments about my body confidence?

[YourFluentGoose]

I’m looking for some perspective because I can see both sides and I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive.

My husband and I have been together since university, married for 15 years, are now entering our 40s and we have four children three boys and a girl. Our youngest is nearly three.

We were quite active together for a long time, go hikes have climbed mt Kilimanjaro, have completed LeJog together multiple times and a lot of other cycling. We’ve cycled across Europe. We still cycle together now the kids are older we can take them all. All in all we are very active. I have watt bike that I cycle on every single morning to start my day.

My husband is a good man. He’s supportive, a brilliant dad and I know he loves me. I love him very much too. But the last year has been the hardest we’ve had as a couple. We’ve lost some of our connection and he feels like I’ve neglected our marriage. He has even suggested counselling because he doesn’t want us to drift apart.
The thing I struggle with most is my confidence.

Before children I was much more comfortable in my body. I’m not 50kg anymore and after four pregnancies my body has changed a lot. I know my body has done something amazing, but I don’t feel confident in it.

I do work out I’m up most mornings exercising and I do try, but confidence hasn’t just returned.

We went on holiday to the Caribbean with the children and I really struggled. I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.

My husband got frustrated and we ended up having an argument. He said I “need to fucking work on myself” and that he worries about what our daughter will learn if she sees me being so uncomfortable and hiding my body.

I know he probably means he wants me to feel happier and more confident, and I don’t want my daughter growing up ashamed of herself either. But the comment really hurt because I feel like I am trying. I’m not choosing to feel this way.

It has affected our sex life too. Since having our youngest, I often wear an oversized top during sex. It helps me feel less exposed. It’s not because I don’t want my husband I love him and I want that closeness but I struggle looking at myself sometimes and feel much more comfortable covered.

Recently we tried to have sex and he stopped halfway through because he felt I wasn’t really into it. He said it feels as though I can’t even have sex with him without feeling insecure and I’m not the person he has known all these years.

I understand that he wants me to feel good about myself, he does things to help me feel good and confident but I also feel like he doesn’t understand how much motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding and body changes can affect how you see yourself.

AIBU to feel hurt by the way he spoke to me and think he needs to be more understanding?

Hi I’m not really on social media I have a Facebook account which I use to keep in touch with people. I have WhatsApp too but I don’t really think that counts as social media other than that I don’t have anything else.

You need to unlearn putting your appearance at the top of what people see in you. Nearly everything women have been fed about how to dress is done through the lense of misogyny. "Flattering" is just code for thinner.

Your body is with you until the bitter end and having your life experiences be so intricately woven into how you look is only going to ruin all of your experiences. Dress for joy, dress for comfort, dress for fun. Your body works, it functions, it comforts your children and carries you. It's size and shape means naff all.

As much as he clearly has exploded in frustration, I feel your issues run very deep, a t shirt during sex, refusing to wear swimwear etc, and I do think you need to seek help.

i think many people would struggle with this and reach a breaking point, if my husband wanted to wear clothes during sex, wouldn’t wear swimwear I think id try fi help then likely id get to end point, and he’s right it’s a message that’s damaging for your kids,

whay is it you struggle with in terms of your body, have you gained a huge amount of weight? Sre you being irrational?

No one is forcing her, she never said that. But also he shouldn’t be expected to have sex with her if he doesn’t wish, I’d not want to shag my husband if he wore his clothes each time.

Oh I just saw you’re 5ft 6 and 70 kg. Which is a healthy bmi. But at 50kg you were significantly under weight,

is there more to this, did you have an eating disorder? You equate underweight with attractive?

What else you can do is get some personal therapy.

Are you happy with your life. It seems you are mostly happy but are may be troubled with the future onset of middle age. At least it seems your you husband wants to try resolve the issues. Get some counselling for your self esteem and couples counselling for your relationship. If you can afford it, and can make the time ( not everyone can) consider going to a keep fit class / the gym, or a even personal trainer to improve your body confidence and maybe get yourself a makeover and some clothes that fit your new shape and make you feel confident as well, but only when you are ready to do it for yourself.

Well I think he’s absolutely right. He’s telling you he loves you as you are but you don’t clearly. You work out lots and look after yourself so your only issue is presumably a loose tummy or stretch marks I guess? Most mums have both, it’s part and parcel- especially after multiple pregnancies. You either grow to accept it or you live life hiding away ashamed. Your DH obviously isn’t ashamed and he finds you sexy and attractive. You do need to work on your self esteem, he is right.

I feel there is a lot of criticism of the OP here. She has 4 children, the youngest is three and she has just stopped breastfeeding. She must be exhausted as she is also getting up early to exercise as well as looking after young children. I also like to be fit and slim and this makes me feel more confident. I love feeling good about myself and feeling good in my clothes, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think you should cut yourself some slack and your husband should cut you the same slack. Imagine if he'd had to give birth to four kids and then breast fed them for years. Would he be feeling good about himself? Would he be feeling good about his body? Would he be wearing a bikini? It will take you some time to come back to yourself, those early years are tough mentally and physically. As an aside maybe you need to change the way you are exercising? Maybe your body needs more strength training and weight lifting now you are heading into your 40s? A personal trainer is a great idea but there's also lots of free stuff on YouTube like Heather Robertson.

I never had an eating disorder? I might have been underweight at certain points but I was still eating as normal, I just did a lot of cycling up and down the country, abroad etc. It doesn’t mean I had an eating disorder or any issue with eating. I also wasn't particularly preoccupied with my body or my weight because I was so active all the time.

I started rowing at around eight years old and continued throughout school before rowing competitively at university. Alongside that, I also cycled regularly. Because I was doing so much fitness because I enjoyed it my weight naturally fluctuated, as it does for most people I wasn't exactly 50kg all the time it generally varied between about 50kg - 60kg during my school and university years.

Since having children, my body has naturally changed, and I've gained weight, which is to be expected. I don't exercise because I am trying to look a certain way I do it because it has a huge positive impact on my mental health.

Rowing has always been a big part of my life. My father was a rowing instructor at both Oxford and Cambridge before moving into teaching schoolchildren in his ‘retirement’, so I grew up immersed in that environment. There was never any pressure in the way you’re thinking but there was pressure to be good at the sport, waking up at 5am etc which I loved it gave me discipline and skills I still use today I think that's part of why, now I'm in my forties I am struggling I’d love to go off and cycle 70 miles but I can’t do that till the kids are a bit older, our daughter has taken an interest in cycling and has won competition she’s 10 and loves it. There’s no pressure for her to look a certain way or anything like that she loves the sport and wants to get better. She likes watching old videos of me back when I was about her age.

Ok, um I was not questioning uour sporting activities. Just you said you were 50kg in your 20s and 30s, which is underweight for your height. And now are still a healthy bmi , albeit at the upper end, and have very severe mental health issues round your body.

I think you’re making assumptions. I do have self esteem issues after children. I’d love to be confident in myself after giving birth and breastfeeding all 4 kids but I’m not. I’ll get the right help but I just came on here to get some perspective and maybe have an outlet not to argue or be shamed.

No one shamed you? Are you reading something that’s not there? We don’t know you we can only go on whay you say.

you came on saying you wear clothes for sex. A big t shirt, won’t wear swimwear, told us how attractive you were in your youth, how you got by on it, became arrogant, stated you were underweight at that point, that your husband is upset with you and worried about the impact on your daughter and with the way you hide, and how much you’re struggling with your body changes now you weigh 70kg.

i asked a couple of questions based on whay you wrote, no one has argued with you or shamed you for gods sake.

Alright my bad

What an unkind response, shame on you

V confrontational. Could be kinder to the OP but chose not to be - I'm sure you're a joy to be around

I'm a fat cow and although I won't subject people to seeing me in a bikini, I honestly couldn't care less about being seen in a bathing suit 🩱 whilst on holiday. No one really cares

What and irs ok for her to accuse me of arguing with her and shaming her when I’d done no such thing, and I have to sit there and take it, because I’m a woman and as such it’s ok to accuse me of anything you please, I need to be kind and not call it out?

yeah no honey. Be kind is a bullshit way to put women in their place.

If you don't feel comfortable I swimwear that's your choice. Even some women who feel confident in their bodies don't like wearing swimwear.
Perhaps finding clothes that look good with your new shape would help your confidence levels? It was a bit harsh the way your husband put it and perhaps a conversation with him to tell him how you feel and if he has any ideas to help you feel better about yourself? I don't mean to lose the weight.

I know a few larger women who exude confidence as they are happy in their skin and nobody takes any notice of their weight.
Your body has been through a lot and 3 years since having your last one and no doubt having disturbed sleep during that yiem most likely hasn't helped. Don't beat yourself up but try to learn to like the new you in the meantime. You dh obviously still loves you and finds you attractive.

Agree ^

I work out because I like it I’ve always worked out I don’t really think there’s a point in my life where I haven’t worked out. It’s not intense sometimes it’s strength training at home or just going on the watt bike for 45 mins first thing in the morning or sometimes I just go and play netball in the evenings after work. Company I work for has multiple sports teams we do it just for fun and as a social activity.

I am going to try counselling hopefully they will help as I think it’s mostly just internal.

Telling a woman to just get over it, not cool.
Man has no clue.

Does he have money for surgery? (If that’s something that interests you)

If you don't like how the swimsuits you had with you looked, can you do a, big trying on session (maybe with a friend who you trust to be honest with you) to work out what style suits you?

For example I know that I don't want anything too. High-cut on the bottom. I know that I need a v-neck to stop looking like I've been sliced in two on the bust. I need something where the strap is separate from the cup because otherwise I look like I've been squashed into it. And once I've worked all that lot out then that makes it a lot easier to try other things on because I know I've got a formula that works. Or a halterneck also works for me.

I've had good swimsuits from next and sainsburys, and from Boden in the past, and also M and S but I haven't found them as good recently.

What about if you found something you could wear that covered your top half that wasn't an oversized t shirt and helped you start feeling good about yourself?

Not the point and not helpful but there are a lot of geese on this thread 🤔

@YourFluentGoose
@TheRealGoose
@ThisAdeptBlueGoose

He sounds a twat to be honest. You sound very upset, by what he said and by your feelings about your body. The latter is more important. I would suggest you get some counselling to help you.