AIBU to feel hurt by husband’s comments about my body confidence?

[YourFluentGoose]

I’m looking for some perspective because I can see both sides and I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive.

My husband and I have been together since university, married for 15 years, are now entering our 40s and we have four children three boys and a girl. Our youngest is nearly three.

We were quite active together for a long time, go hikes have climbed mt Kilimanjaro, have completed LeJog together multiple times and a lot of other cycling. We’ve cycled across Europe. We still cycle together now the kids are older we can take them all. All in all we are very active. I have watt bike that I cycle on every single morning to start my day.

My husband is a good man. He’s supportive, a brilliant dad and I know he loves me. I love him very much too. But the last year has been the hardest we’ve had as a couple. We’ve lost some of our connection and he feels like I’ve neglected our marriage. He has even suggested counselling because he doesn’t want us to drift apart.
The thing I struggle with most is my confidence.

Before children I was much more comfortable in my body. I’m not 50kg anymore and after four pregnancies my body has changed a lot. I know my body has done something amazing, but I don’t feel confident in it.

I do work out I’m up most mornings exercising and I do try, but confidence hasn’t just returned.

We went on holiday to the Caribbean with the children and I really struggled. I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.

My husband got frustrated and we ended up having an argument. He said I “need to fucking work on myself” and that he worries about what our daughter will learn if she sees me being so uncomfortable and hiding my body.

I know he probably means he wants me to feel happier and more confident, and I don’t want my daughter growing up ashamed of herself either. But the comment really hurt because I feel like I am trying. I’m not choosing to feel this way.

It has affected our sex life too. Since having our youngest, I often wear an oversized top during sex. It helps me feel less exposed. It’s not because I don’t want my husband I love him and I want that closeness but I struggle looking at myself sometimes and feel much more comfortable covered.

Recently we tried to have sex and he stopped halfway through because he felt I wasn’t really into it. He said it feels as though I can’t even have sex with him without feeling insecure and I’m not the person he has known all these years.

I understand that he wants me to feel good about myself, he does things to help me feel good and confident but I also feel like he doesn’t understand how much motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding and body changes can affect how you see yourself.

AIBU to feel hurt by the way he spoke to me and think he needs to be more understanding?

Good for you ❤️

Gosh you sound incredibly fit. What ‘bits’ bother you the most? If I’d done everything I could and still felt uncomfortable I’d consider surgery (depending). Sometimes no amount of exercise will shift excess tummy skin for example, a tankini might help, or a support panel but if it’s making you that unhappy you may choose to have a more radical option.

People will probably jump on me but those same people may get Botox, fillers etc.

Mines just generated on here I didn’t create it just picked the first name it suggested

Nothing to do with tummy it’s just things that come with having children. I can’t change it and I don’t plan on getting surgery

I just need to work on how I feel about myself.

Your last point here is something that resonates - I don't have the confidence issues that you do though and haven;t really - though I don't think I have been 50kg since I was about 15 😂

I am 5'7" and currently 79kg - but the clothes I can wear now, even if they fit, don't fit the same as they did post kids, and defintely not since peri-menopause joined the party.

I know you don't like how you look not in clothes as well as in clothes by the sounds of it but might be worth looking at things that do fit you well and properly with the body shape you have now. Easier said than done I appreciate but there's nothing that makes me feel worse than putting on something that used to fit and look good that now fits and makes me look like a sack of potatoes. and I love potatoes 😉

as a total aside - have you tried different types of exercise/workouts - when you body changes sometimes what you can do changes - I am a huge advocate of pole fitness for full body workout and super supportive space where you literally get cheered at every class!

Hi op I get how you are feeling I have had body issues since being a teenager as I have got older I am caring less I hate my body wouldn’t wear swim suit but I think the fact your dh has been in your life for years I would not be hiding it from him there is no point your his wife and he wants to see you naked this is all very normal in a marriage I get you need to work on self esteem but your dh loves you as you are so let him be the one who sees the real you. You might never be happy with your body but your dh is the one who will like it no matter what, be happy he still fancies you some men wouldn’t. I think the fact you say how you looked before was much better but with 4 kids everyone gets affected by this change embrace it in the house it’s the safest place to be naked.

Op sorry if I have missed it. Do you have a job OP? Do you have any identity other than being a mum?

Things to consider:

• take your husband to a BDSM / sex club. You'll see people with all sorts of bodies doing all kinds of things in various states of dress. You don't have to do anything sexual yourselves just watch respectfully. See for yourself that nobody is paying much attention to anybody else's body.

• you don't have to wear a bikini if you don't want to. It's arguably more important you join in the activities your daughter wants to do than you expose lots of skin. Look for rash vests and board shorts and at modest swimwear so you can join in the swimming/ other water sports.

• it's important to present your choice of clothing to your daughter as being for reasons other than insecurity about your body. And there are very good reasons around avoiding sunburn and skin cancer to cover more of your body outdoors in the heat. You can choose a bikini and lots of suncream if you want or you can choose something exposing less skin and needing much less suncream.

Sorry op but I understand his frustration. I think you need some kind of counselling or treatment to see that gaining weight and a bit of body fat isn’t the worst thing in the world that can happen to you.

OP never accused you of arguing with her or even shaming her. Are YOU reading something that's not there?

It seems like you have a chip on your shoulder about being a woman... is OP not also a woman? It's okay for you to talk to people any way you like but not for them to reply with the same energy because 'you're a woman'?

Be kind may be problematic, however there's no need for rudeness under the guise of 'just being honest' or 'just saying'

He doesn’t sound at all kind. I’m in my 40s and I also have 4 children. I don’t wear bikinis - I am slim but I don’t want my stretch marks on show and I’m allowed to feel that way, as are you!! Some of my children are young adults, too. It’s their turn to wear string bikinis, like I did at their age.

and the the thing is that bikinis are not for everyone anyway. There are plenty of swimsuits that look great like the Boden Santorini one.

I've been working four days a week because my husband's parents look after our youngest son one day a week and he's at nursery the rest of the time. I've worked for most of the time since having children, as my sister has owned a nursery for the past 15 years, so we've been fortunate not to have to pay the full cost of childcare.

I also didn't want my career to take a back seat for too long so my son started nursery when he was one. I gradually increased my hours from two days a week to four and because my job is hybrid it's been much easier. I’ll be back to full time in sept but I’d say my identity isn’t just being a mum I do have other things they’ve just had to take a backseat for a while

Women are supposed to always put others first, in this case, not even being allowed her legit feelings. Good luck to you OP, I get you x

OP- this is where you are at now, at this stage in your life.

It doesn’t mean you will be this way forever.
Perhaps your husband can understand that impatience on his part won’t help you evolve out of this stage?

Your body has done an amazing job growing humans. There are very few of us who have children who have perfect bodies. Don’t get to my age (77) and regret all the years that you have spent wishing you had a beach body and looking back and realising that you had one all along.
Don’t ruin a marriage to a man who cares about you and fancies you because you need to cover up something that he loves. Most men don’t care whether you have lumps, bumps, scars, droopy breasts, but they do care that you still want to make love to them. He remembers the confident woman you were. That’s what he misses.
My advice to you? Sit down with him, tell him exactly how you feel, and LISTEN to his replies. I’m guessing you love him, and most of us say “I would do anything for him “ about the person we love. Ditch the baggy top, tell him that you feel uncomfortable about it, but do it for him. You will find that your confidence rises as time passes.
I have spent my life being self conscious about my fat bottom. I tried to hide it (impossible!). In my fifties I met my 2nd husband. He told me that it made me look beautiful and womanly.
One day he overheard a conversation between me and my friend, who also had a big bottom. Afterwards he said that it was a shame that she didn’t realise how lovely she was, just as she was.
I’m widowed now and I no longer worry about my big bottom. When I die I doubt that people will say ‘Well she was nice but it’s a shame she had a big bottom’.

I understand that he wants me to feel good about myself
Maybe? But it seems he would rather that just magically happen than support you to get there. To me it sounds like he wants you to perform those things - For his benefit.

Really surprised at some of the nasty comments on this thread. Just because men can be far worse, doesn't stop this guy being insensitive and unhelpful.

I'm sorry you feel this way about your body and I get it. Its hard when it changes and your mind doesn't catch up to how it is now because its been a different way for so long. I'm sure your husband was trying to make you feel better, albeit clumsily, and he sounds lovely in many ways, despite you arguing. Everyone gets frustrated at times.
You do sound lost, a bit hurt and out of sorts with yourself and my heart goes out to you. I think counselling is a fabulous idea, do try to have a good look around to find one that fits. I truly hope you feel better soon. Sending hugs 🫂

I think you need to consider how tiring it is to be around someone so down about their appearance. The fact you can't even take your top off for sex is very telling. You work out, you're a healthy weight. Women age, looks fade. It's not just the children, you are in your 40s, it's just reality. Get over it for everyone's sake, including your own.

I think perhaps if it is your breasts that you are self conscious about? My were quite "depleted" after breastfeeding three children and at first I was very anxious about them being seen. But now I am quite happy about them and I think you will find over time they will regain more shape and fullness. In the meantime you could invest in some really great bras and bikinis that can give you more support and confidence. And maybe some nice underwear and low lighting will help you regain confidence in the bedroom as well?

Kindly, do you hold your weight in your tummy which is why you feel the need to cover it?

That happens sometimes, I think 70kg is about 11 stone which isn't generally big at your height but it is easy to hold weight in different places or we'd all be the same shape eh!

You can't target weight loss in certain places but I understand your frustration if this is the case. But I'm fully with your husband here.

I'm just under 10 stone, but 5ft 3, and all my weight is boobs and tummy, so I am a walking m&m!

You sound fabulous.

It’s rubbish that so many of us feel insecure about our bodies after pregnancies. I don’t mind mine, as long as nobody else has to see it.. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You would benefit from some counselling sessions. They will instil the body-confidence you’re lacking and perhaps confidence in other areas of your life too. You sound to be trying too hard to achieve the perfect pre-childbirth body you used to have, when you should be enjoying life as it is and you are now.

Your Husband’s body will have also changed over the years…. Aging is normal, and no one expects someone to stay looking exactly the same as they did when they were 20.

I wonder if your rejection of your own body is hurtful to your husband because he might see you as blaming him for your unhappiness, as he is 50% responsible for the children that you now blame for ruining your body.

So diet then to get back to your old weight. Some people are ok with putting on weight, others arent.

He loves you anyway .. I understand you feeling you have lost confidence in yourself words of advice find something sexy to wear that gives you a boost of confidence dont wear oversized tops .
Hubby is telling you there's a problem and that he doesn't want to drift apart listen if you want to keep your marriage healthy .Marriage and relationships are hard do this for yourself as much as your marriage concentrate on the things that are making you feel less confident to get your confidence back x