AIBU to feel hurt by husband’s comments about my body confidence?

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I’m looking for some perspective because I can see both sides and I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive.

My husband and I have been together since university, married for 15 years, are now entering our 40s and we have four children three boys and a girl. Our youngest is nearly three.

We were quite active together for a long time, go hikes have climbed mt Kilimanjaro, have completed LeJog together multiple times and a lot of other cycling. We’ve cycled across Europe. We still cycle together now the kids are older we can take them all. All in all we are very active. I have watt bike that I cycle on every single morning to start my day.

My husband is a good man. He’s supportive, a brilliant dad and I know he loves me. I love him very much too. But the last year has been the hardest we’ve had as a couple. We’ve lost some of our connection and he feels like I’ve neglected our marriage. He has even suggested counselling because he doesn’t want us to drift apart.
The thing I struggle with most is my confidence.

Before children I was much more comfortable in my body. I’m not 50kg anymore and after four pregnancies my body has changed a lot. I know my body has done something amazing, but I don’t feel confident in it.

I do work out I’m up most mornings exercising and I do try, but confidence hasn’t just returned.

We went on holiday to the Caribbean with the children and I really struggled. I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.

My husband got frustrated and we ended up having an argument. He said I “need to fucking work on myself” and that he worries about what our daughter will learn if she sees me being so uncomfortable and hiding my body.

I know he probably means he wants me to feel happier and more confident, and I don’t want my daughter growing up ashamed of herself either. But the comment really hurt because I feel like I am trying. I’m not choosing to feel this way.

It has affected our sex life too. Since having our youngest, I often wear an oversized top during sex. It helps me feel less exposed. It’s not because I don’t want my husband I love him and I want that closeness but I struggle looking at myself sometimes and feel much more comfortable covered.

Recently we tried to have sex and he stopped halfway through because he felt I wasn’t really into it. He said it feels as though I can’t even have sex with him without feeling insecure and I’m not the person he has known all these years.

I understand that he wants me to feel good about myself, he does things to help me feel good and confident but I also feel like he doesn’t understand how much motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding and body changes can affect how you see yourself.

AIBU to feel hurt by the way he spoke to me and think he needs to be more understanding?

Well its a you problem and if you don't sort it soon you will affect your daughter and lose your husband

I relate on one level Op, but that's because I've been overweight all my life and mostly had an unattractive body. I've never in my life strutted around in a bikini and intimacy is lights off. On the other hand I don't relate at all, you were very slim and fit and are still working out all the time so I'm guessing you still have an amazing body, for your circumstances. It's not the body of a 25 year old, it's the body of a woman who have birthed 4 children. I think your hang up sounds a bit immature, you are ageing and will continue to do so, you can only look your best for your age and stage of life. Stop comparing to your younger self. Maybe look around at other women your age with kids, I bet you look better than most. All that said, I know it's hard to change negative thinking.

There is not liking something but carrying on like a normal grown up and the difference being making everyone have to hear about your issues and carrying on like a neurotic chid

I agree with comments OP about how some men may not fully understand how much pregnancy and after can affect a woman’s body physically and mentally. I don’t think it’s anything you can’t figure out it sounds as though you were really active before and your body will also remember this too. But now less pressure on yourself and instead of a bikini maybe you could treat yourself to a lovely once piece that has more support and structure.

My body took a different turn after two pregnancies. I am now entering the mid-40 zone and have a c section overhang, tummy that still looks pregnant and huge boobs I feel like I need a wheelbarrow to push them around on sometimes. Very different to my pre-child body of trim, toned and only had a cute rounded tummy. I’m just waiting now for someone to ask me when my ‘baby’ is due because my tummy bloats rather excessively now.

But even after all this I don’t let DH nor DC see me worry about it. I personally wouldn’t wear a bikini however I would definitely get a flattering one piece, a lovely floaty sarong, floppy hat and large sunglasses to wear while lounging by the pool.

No advice as such - I struggle with low self confidence as well.

in front of my DD (and DS) though, I fake it till I make it.

i will quite often say “ooh I look really pretty today / wow, how good does my hair look / oh this dress really suits me” even when I don’t feel particularly good.

She is allowed to feel how she feels.

Equally, though, her DH is allowed to feel the way he feels about the impact her behaviour has on the family and the marriage.

She is allowed to wear clothes to have sex, yes. But she can't assume that her DH will always be able to enjoy that, or that he can make himself continue to want sex with someone who a) seems miserable about it and b) whose body he isn't permitted to see or touch.

I do not want to be the same size that I was through my 20s and 30s but I’m 43 and I’d liked to be a little bit healthier. I’m 5ft6 and about 70kgs now I’m not trying to be skinny I just want to feel good about myself again that’s all.

DH and I have known each other a long time. I was always confident enough to wear bikini on holiday, we’d always go surfing, we are very outdoorsy but recently it’s been a struggle since having children. I just don’t feel good in my body, my son has stopped breastfeeding now so things will get slightly better. I chose to breastfeed as long as possible but it has certainly not been easy I’ve felt as though my body isn’t my own for a while.

This might sound silly and woe is me etc but when you’ve grown up conventionally attractive and suddenly you’re just a mum and nothing more it takes a toll on you. I grew up being able to do whatever I wanted all throughout my teens and up to my 30s just for the way I look. I probably was quite arrogant growing up I just need to let that go, I love my children more than anything and I’m glad I’m a mum but it doesn’t mean it’s still not hard to accept myself. This is me now and I just have to accept it.

Have you always felt that your appearance was your most important attribute?

It's one thing being shy or modest about yourself, but I think if you can no longer even enjoy an uninhibited sex life because you are always worrying about your bodily flaws or won't even go swimming on holiday with your children, then it's become obsessive.
There has to be a point when you question why you allow yourself to be consumed by these imaginary judgements on you.

not really, look around you.

it's a lot harder for some women than others, but being a mum does not mean being cursed with a different body.

It's not easy, but the very short version is diet and exercise.
It's entirely up to you if you want to make it a priority. Again, not easy, but your body is not lost forever if you don't want it to be. There are enough mums with big families showing it's perfectly possible.

You can never be 30 again, but you can the be 40 or 50yo version of that body.

I see nothing wrong in wanting to stay attractive and the best version you can be. It's not shallow, it's normal.

I voted YABU. You have a very shallow view of what is of value in a person. I feel sorry for those around you having to deal with the narcissistic self pity.

Fair enough

What a nasty comment!

OP I am 5"6 and was 72 kg until losing weight recently. It took a while and was hard. Be easy on yourself your children are still young. I know how hard it is. It's hard to feel good about your body when you don't like it.

Does your husband actually make you feel good about your body? It was hard for me because my husband did not find me attractive at all when I was heavier and only wanted sex when I lost all the weight. So my body confidence was in the bin.

Your husband should be supporting you not swearing at you.

“and suddenly you’re just a mum and nothing more it takes a toll on you”

I think you need to take bigger steps to address this by doing therapy if some sort. You are stuck with these thoughts going on a loop and the only person who can stop that is you. Talking to someone neutral can help you find your way out of that hole. You’re not “just” a mum. First, that’s an amazing and lucky thing to be and second it is not all who you are. I think you should focus on developing your confidence more generally. You are bogged down with the body confidence thing but I think it’s likely there is more going on here. Best wishes.

I’m sorry OP. This sounds hard to deal with.

I personally think your DH is out of order to take issue with what you wear swimming, the idea that showing your body = body confidence doesn’t really follow for me. I don’t wear skimpy swimwear or clothing ever, not because I have any issues with body confidence (I’m overweight and have a CS overhang but really don’t give a shit what my body looks like or what other people think of it).

I cover up because I prefer to, no particular reason as I was the same before I had babies and was skinny, I just feel more elegant in clothes that cover me more (no judgement on women who are happy to show more skin either, I tend to think people look best in whatever makes them feel good). Plus, I have a history of skin cancer in the family so I want to limit sun exposure, so I wear a rash vest type top and board shorts. Preferring to keep yourself relatively covered in public is a perfectly valid choice and I don’t see why that would necessarily cause your daughter to have body confidence issues unless you’re talking about your dislike for your body in front of her. If she asks why your swimwear is more covering than what other people are wearing, you can just say something along the lines of ‘I like the colour/pattern of this one, mummy likes to keep the sun off her shoulders’ or some other body neutral explanation.

Wanting to stay covered during sex is different, I can understand why he finds that difficult. You feel how you feel though, but it sounds like this is something you would really benefit from having some help with. Is counselling to help you deal with your body confidence issues something you would consider? You deserve to go through life at least feeling comfortable with the body you have.

He shouldn’t be unpleasant to you about it though, he can voice his feelings about the situation without being nasty. A balanced approach might be you having therapy to help you deal with this, plus couples’ therapy if you think that might help. And he needs to be supportive and patient while you work through the process.

No I haven’t always felt that my appearance was my most important attribute. I just did not grow up insecure because I was always liked for my looks so I never built up any insecurity till now. I am going to try counselling.

I go swimming with my children we take them swimming most Saturdays and we both get in the water with them.

On holiday I was at the beach with them, went to the water park. I just packed some stuff that I used to like wearing but now my body is different I tried them on but didn’t like how I looked in them but my husband liked them but it’s also how I feel not just how he feels.

What a nasty comment!

Extremely unhelpful.

This is a brilliant contribution from @MaggieBsBoat .

OP, take this to heart and maybe print it out to remember. And please ignore the nasty unnecessary posts made by idiots. They belong to the 'snap out of it' brigade and should be ashamed of themselves.

I think a lot of posters here are missing the point. Your DH loves you and he doesn’t like - for you - that you are unhappy and unconfident when, in the grand scheme of things, you have no reason to be.

He is sad that you feel shame in the amazing body that has given him three children, and that he still finds attractive, and he is worried that you will pass on these body hang ups onto your children - so then they will be unhappy with their own bodies like you.

And he has a point. There’s nothing wrong with not having the body you had when you were 20. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look as good as you can, but there is value in finding a way to accept yourself as you are now, because it will be better for you. Nobody is saying you need to wear a bikini but if your hang up is getting in the way of you enjoying your life then perhaps it might be worth talking to a therapist who specialises in body dysmorphia.

I can 100% guarantee your body is better than mine - size 14, not toned, find exercise deeply boring which is the problem. You are doing so much better than me! You are doing exercise, and have years of exercise prior to now, which has made the body you inhabit, you will be far more toned up than I am. When it comes to sex it's the enthusiasm you go for it with that is more important than if you have wobbly bits - it's the trying to hide under clothes that is far more off putting for a partner, much more so than wobbly bits could ever be.

You are projecting how you feel on others. Get some counselling. Your DH is right. Honestly though, the best thing you can probably do is loose a bit of weight. It's all very well being body positive but if YOU feel your body isn't where you want it to be then that can often help. This is entirely about how you feel. Your DH loves how you look, and the rest of the world doesn't care either way. Like others I can guarantee you look great but if YOU aren't happy then do something about it.

I suspect your body hang ups are probably part of a wider picture about feeling depleted. 4 children is a lot, and it comes with a loss of personal time, freedom and often status. You’ve also been pregnant or breastfeeding for a long time, it’s easy to feel your body isn’t your own.

I cover up to an almost Islamic level in the sun, largely because I burn easily and don’t see the point of stripping off then having to cover every inch of my body in sun block. It keeps me cooler too, a damp rash vest works wonders in the hot sun. Doesn’t seem to have rubbed off on my 15 year old DD who wears teeny bikinis, short shorts, crop tops etc. she’s totally confident in her body (even if she is prone to appearance related anxieties about other things).

I don’t dislike my body but I still dislike being naked and feel I look better with even underwear on. I don’t find nudity in others visually appealing either, no matter what their body looks like. It wouldn’t bother me to never see another person naked again.

@montysmaw I agree, it's her boundary to wear a baggy top during sex and she shouldn't be forced to take it off. She shouldn't be forced to give him a BJ if she doesn't want to so why should she be forced to be naked if it makes her feel uncomfortable

I sympathise with feeling unattractive to yourself but at your age (also my age) a lot of friends are going to start dropping off with the killer diseases of middle age so try to connect with the beauty of health and strength rather than youthful aesthetics. You don't know what you've got til it's gone, as they say.

OP are you on social media? I find that being on social media as an active person and following a lot of gym/hiking/fitness profiles gives me a LOT of hang ups about my body. I have a belly and I hate it, I am 4’8” and don’t carry weight well. If you’re on social media looking at other women’s bodies it’s not going to be good for you or any of us. I have to take breaks purely because of my self image and how I “should” look.