AIBU to feel hurt by husband’s comments about my body confidence?

[YourFluentGoose]

I’m looking for some perspective because I can see both sides and I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive.

My husband and I have been together since university, married for 15 years, are now entering our 40s and we have four children three boys and a girl. Our youngest is nearly three.

We were quite active together for a long time, go hikes have climbed mt Kilimanjaro, have completed LeJog together multiple times and a lot of other cycling. We’ve cycled across Europe. We still cycle together now the kids are older we can take them all. All in all we are very active. I have watt bike that I cycle on every single morning to start my day.

My husband is a good man. He’s supportive, a brilliant dad and I know he loves me. I love him very much too. But the last year has been the hardest we’ve had as a couple. We’ve lost some of our connection and he feels like I’ve neglected our marriage. He has even suggested counselling because he doesn’t want us to drift apart.
The thing I struggle with most is my confidence.

Before children I was much more comfortable in my body. I’m not 50kg anymore and after four pregnancies my body has changed a lot. I know my body has done something amazing, but I don’t feel confident in it.

I do work out I’m up most mornings exercising and I do try, but confidence hasn’t just returned.

We went on holiday to the Caribbean with the children and I really struggled. I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.

My husband got frustrated and we ended up having an argument. He said I “need to fucking work on myself” and that he worries about what our daughter will learn if she sees me being so uncomfortable and hiding my body.

I know he probably means he wants me to feel happier and more confident, and I don’t want my daughter growing up ashamed of herself either. But the comment really hurt because I feel like I am trying. I’m not choosing to feel this way.

It has affected our sex life too. Since having our youngest, I often wear an oversized top during sex. It helps me feel less exposed. It’s not because I don’t want my husband I love him and I want that closeness but I struggle looking at myself sometimes and feel much more comfortable covered.

Recently we tried to have sex and he stopped halfway through because he felt I wasn’t really into it. He said it feels as though I can’t even have sex with him without feeling insecure and I’m not the person he has known all these years.

I understand that he wants me to feel good about myself, he does things to help me feel good and confident but I also feel like he doesn’t understand how much motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding and body changes can affect how you see yourself.

AIBU to feel hurt by the way he spoke to me and think he needs to be more understanding?

I do work out I’m up most mornings exercising and I do try, but confidence hasn’t just returned

Your husband shouldn’t have sworn at you, but, if he’s a good man, as you say, then he sounds very frustrated. Read what you wrote above. You’re focussing on the wrong thing. You don’t need to get up most morning and exercise - you have 4 children! Exercising isn’t the answer to this.

You talk about when you first met at uni and how active you were. That’s great, but it sounds like you’re trying to go back to the past. Why? Do you expect your DH and all your friends to look exactly like they did at uni? Why not enjoy the present? I think that’s why your husband is frustrated: you’re brooding about how things were in the past and hyper-focused on this one thing. To be blunt, it’s boring. It’s ok to have insecurities - most of us do - but to focus on them so much is the problem.

Stop your obsession with exercise, stop thinking about your body all the time, and start enjoying life with your husband and children. They love you. There’s nothing wrong with you. You can’t hold back ageing and change. All that will do is spoil the present moment.

Speak to a counsellor and work on your self-esteem. Start to make small changes, eg ditch the big top during sex but leave the light off until you feel more comfortable. Speak to your husband, tell him how you plan to improve your confidence, and ask for his support.

If you can’t wear swimwear on a family holiday to the beach you absolutely will be damaging your daughter.
It’s completely reasonable for him to be concerned about that because it goes to far beyond a ‘normal’ level of insecurity.
Same for wearing a sack to have sex,
that sounds quite difficult for your DH.

You need to have a chat with him one to one because it sounds like he loves you and thinks you are gorgeous. Our bodies change and he still thinks you're beautiful. Maybe read some books or watch some videos on finding your confidence again. And allow him to help you feel your confidence. Sorry if tmi, but be naked with him and actually listen to him telling you you're gorgeous.

The thing that has worked for me is exercise and building strength makes me feel strong but ultimately a shift in mind set that people are not looking at you and judging you. They're really not. And for the very small amount of people who judge, they are not nice people and likely judging others because they are lacking in their confidence. And you wouldn't be friends with horrible people like that anyway? So their opinion doesn't matter to you.

If you're on Instagram, follow body confidence people and it will really help shift your mindset.

Hope you feel better xx

OP, I am so sorry you feel like this and I am sorry DH expressed himself in a less than optimal way. Men's bodies don't change due to pregnancy but they do change as we age and I think there are probably some men who also feel their confidence is dented by losing their hair and muscle tone as they age, but women, on the whole, are under so much more pressure from external influences to remain forever twenty and childless. The pressure on men is definitely on the increase for those with an eye on equality.

You sound like you are on the one hand putting lots of energy into trying to change your body back to how it was but it sounds to me like DH isn't asking for this. Men are really visual and not being able to see your body might be the problem, rather than any physical changes. Men are generally less fussed about all of that than women imagine. I can see it would feel really frustrating for him if your relationship no longer includes you and him enjoying each other's bodies, and I don't just mean sex.

I think you could do with some help with this. I did a random hypnosis thing a long time ago that involved challenging negative thoughts about my body and despite being at least a stone heavier and less toned, I am probably as confident about my body now as I was pre pregnancy and definitely much more than in my twenties. I just stop any thoughts to the contrary before they begin. Bodies are attractive in so many different ways and men especially, in my experience, are really not focussed on the areas women's magazines and social media are. Most of them are just delighted to spend time with a naked woman who seems to be enjoying herself.

However, I can see how feeling so self conscious and unhappy with your body to the extent that you're never naked together would be very difficult for DH. Without that closeness, I can see you could just slip into 'housemate' mode where you co-parent and coexist but don't really connect as a couple.

Personally I think the last thing you need to do is embark on some kind of body make over where you try to change your body back to how it was pre kids with exercise and diet, not because that isn't possible but because it might not solve your problem. How you feel about your body and how it looks are less linked than you might imagine.

You need to make friends with the body you have got and DH might leap at the chance to tell you the many, many things he finds attractive about your body now. My guess is he probably just wants a chance to enjoy it and couldn't care less about the things you perceive as flaws (they're not, there's no such thing). It might be worth giving that a go and seeing where you land.

I suspect you haven’t gone from 50k to 90kg but rather 50kg to 60kg (perfectly normal after 4 pregnancies) and your husband is wondering what all the fuss is about? He could certainly be gentler about it, but are you sure you’re not blowing your bodily changes out of all proportion?! I can’t imagine anyone as active as you clearly are, and under 40, holding onto so much excess weight for so long. Doesn’t really make sense?

I completely understand where you’re coming from these issues are all in your head and they’re affecting your MH, your life experiences like holidays, your marriage and your DD - so I completely agree either way DH that you need to sort this out because you are allowing the little voice in your head to ruin your life.

That being said, it is not as simple as clicking your fingers and becoming more confident.

To be honest, it sounds to me as if you really are quite obsessive about your body issues and that it’s probably having an impact on everyone else in the family. You sound quite obsessive about exercise, you wear clothes to have sex and you won’t wear normal beach stuff on a beach holiday with your kids. I think your husband is right that it will affect your daughter and it does sound quite extreme.

Most people are a bit self-conscious about their appearance now and again but your issues are going way beyond that and you do absolutely need to address them because it’s got to a point where it’s all-consuming and affecting the rest of your family.

If my DP refused to take his top off for sex and wouldn’t let me look at or touch his body, there’s no way I could enjoy sex with him. He’s a 58-year-old man with a ‘dad bod’ who has never been near a gym in his life but I still fancy him to death and I still his body attractive. What would put me off sex would be if he had a million hang-ups that made sex an ordeal.

Patently that’s ridiculous. They were on holiday in the Caribbean - did she intend to stay in the hotel room all day while he had all the kids on the beach?

I always think about Charles and Camilla. Diana was beautiful with a stunning body. Camilla was much older and baggier and no one would ever describe her as a beauty. But Charles loved her. He felt comfortable and at home with her. He needed her. I felt very sorry for Diana but I always felt sorry for Camilla. The newspapers constantly compared the two women and none of them had anything nice to say about Camilla. Diana was lauded and feted for her model like figure and her beauty. I think most men are like Charles. All the men I know love their wives. They have been through a lot together and that is worth so much more than superficial looks.
I bet you are really beautiful, OP. I bet your husband loves you inside and out. It is a relief to leave the anxiety about body confidence behind as you age. At 70 plus, you are grateful to your body for being able to walk confidently up stairs. To play with grandkids and to walk the dog. You are lovely, OP. Your children love you, your husband loves you.. Your body works and helps you to have fun. They all need you. Cherish your lovely life.

OP I have been there and have managed to turn things right around for myself.

I just made myself so miserable and felt like my best was behind me. Then, my friend said 'If you don't sort this out this miserable feeling is going to last for the rest of your days'. It was a real wake up call.

From that moment on I decided to feel differently about my body. Now I think how it's taken me through my life, given me my lovely children, taken me to the tops of mountains and through ill health. I spent time and effort on myself - get rest, exercise, eat well, beauty treats, great body lotion, pretty clothes - especially underwear and only the stuff me and DH see.

I've not tried to turn the clock back. I know I'll never be 20 again but I have the best 48 year old body I can and I love it. I honestly think this time now is the first time I've genuinely respected my body for what it is and I do feel the best, most beautiful I can be now.

Hankering for a past you can't return to is a recipe for misery.
Embracing what you have now is the way to go.
You are younger today than you will ever be again. When you're 80 you'll look back at you as you are today and think Damn, I was lovely, what was I thinking.

Outsource your body image, Op.
You have developed a low self esteem.

Agree with your DH and hire yourself a personal trainer for two years. Explain that you want to feel proud in a bikini.

Leave the detail up to the personal trainer. Do exactly what they recommend. It might involve different exercise, positive speak, more sleep and a changed diet.

He’s right though. Bottom line.

This is hard OP and I can see it from both sides. I was lacking confidence and I could see it was effecting my family. I have worn a bikini for the last 3 years because I want too, my husband thinks I’m stunning, I want m teen daughter to have confidence and ai want my teen son to see women’s bodies that are normal.

I am a bit saggy, wobbly, have stretch marks etc but my body has birthed children and let me do amazing things in my life. I spend time exfoliating, moisturising and taking care of myself so at least my insecurities are soft 🤣

What stood out for me in your OP is how your life has changed.

Maybe you are missing the life you once had pre kids. It sounds like you still do lots of active things but your type of holiday has changed ie holidaying in the Carribbean rather than cycling Lejog and climbing Kilimanjaro.

Your body has changed over time and think you need to work on acceptance as you are now and not looking back. If your confidence came from challenging hikes or cycle routes, could you do these on your own or as a family to get that feeling of achievement back.

i think you need help working on your body confidence. Your DH does not expect perfection after 15 years and 4 children. Confidence and happiness are more attractive than a perfect tummy. Be fit and healthy but don’t let misconceptions about your body hold you back.

I think for me, one of the stand out moments, was losing a young Mum friend to cancer. She left behind two small children. I know that it made me re- evaluate and establish new priorities. I think most of her local friendship group felt the same. A healthy body is wonderful . A body that works is wonderful. Nothing else much matters in terms of how you see yourself.

what had you been saying in the run up to him being frustrated and commenting you need to work on yourself? That’s not a statement that comes from nowhere.

have you been complaining about how you look? If so, is it a regular thing? Do you complain about your body in front of the kids?

I get it OP, ive had 3 kids (three pregnancies) in 3 years. My youngest is 4, I’m 48. I look at myself in the mirror and don’t recognise what I see. It’s really hard but I really strive to feign confidence in front of my kids because they need to know all bodies are amazing, all bodies coming in different shapes and sizes, and it’s not long before they’ll be influenced by social media and body types that are supposedly trendy.

Two words: Mommy Makeover. Cosmetic surgeons offer this because it is obvious that after a baby a woman will find that her body has undergone a radical change. This change will often not be welcome. Adjustment is necessary and doesn't always occur. She may have a drawer full of pretty undies which look ridiculous on her now as they simply draw attention to her poochy stomach. Her stomach will have an independent mobility it didn't have before she got pregnant. Going on top during sex means it will hang down. Same with sex from behind. And so many of you think she should 'get' some self esteem? Shame on you.

DP has had long periods on and off of being uncomfortable with her body over the last 20 years, largely it's disappeared in the last couple of years, she seems to give less of a crap since peri-menopause. (Or possibly it's just that keeping cool and staving off the hot flushes is more important than staying covered up!)

I get that it must be absolutely crap for her (and for you). I've been blessed with the feeling that I'm an absolute physical specimen throughout my life (despite it being objectively untrue, I'm a big bloke!), so I have no understanding of the feeling, but I do get that it must feel utterly crap.

So don't feel like I'm dismissing that when I say the below, but I wanted to try and give a perspective of the effects of the issue on the rest of the family.

Firstly, its just a a pain in the arse. I always know when DP is unhappy with her body, because it means we leave the house 20 minutes late and every item of clothing she owns is out on her bed while she desperately tries to find something she "looks OK" in. She looks great in all of them. From my perspective the only thing she's achieving is making herself more flustered and unhappy and giving herself a headache, and me and DD more annoyed because we're going to miss the start of the film / gig / whatever.

Also, swimming pools / beaches are out. It's a choice of a beach holiday and an unhappy DP for a week, because she's wearing to much and she's too warm, or going somewhere else. Which is fine, but sometimes we just want to lie round the pool reading our books and not feel guilty!

Secondly, the effect it's had on DD. She's 18 now, and is very much the same body shape as DP. And she dislikes the same bits of her that DP hates. Her "chunky" legs, her "pale" skin, various dimples etc. DP has to her credit always tried to hide her various issues with her body from DD, but there's only so much you can hide, and it has had an effect.

And then there's the effect it has on us as a couple. I find DP very sexy. Have done since I met her, still do now 20 years later. It can be hard to maintain that attraction though when your partner keeps pointing out all her "flaws" to you. I don't find the cellulite on the back of her legs unattractive. I do find the way she feels about the cellulite on the back of her legs unattractive though. And so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. DP feels bad about herself, as a result she feels unconfident in bed. I feel like she's not really into the sex and so I stop being into it, lose my erection. She takes that as confirmation that I don't like her body and so the loop of doom begins.

Its hard work trying to maintain a belief when the person in front of you is telling you that belief isn't true. It's like trying to be a Christian when Jesus is standing in front of you saying "No, really, I'm not the son of God, it's all bollocks!"

I'll say it again, I get that that mine and DDs issues are piddling compared to DP's. Her body confidence issues affect us way less than they affect her. But they do have an affect.

Yes, you're being unreasonable. It's really frustrating to be with someone who's so uncomfortable with themselves that it affects not only their own life in every aspect, but also everyone else's in the family.

It's understandable that you struggle with the bodily changes that come with 4 pregnancies, but it's not really understandable that you're not doing more to help yourself. I'm not talking about working out and losing weight, but your mindset. It sounds like you can't accept your body as it is, and therefore inhibit yourself a lot. Which, again, affects not only yourself but your husband and kids, too.

You're also being upset over a comment that really wasn't insulting. As you say, I think your husband meant you need to do more to help yourself get your confidence back. But you're so uncomfortable with yourself that you're being overly sensitive and, frankly, dwelling in your misery and looking for reasons to be offended. Some people enjoy being victims and being offended by everything - have you perhaps become one of these people?

I think you’re thinking about yourself too much. I think I you need to just focus on your body less and don’t make a big deal of it.

Have you considered therapy? You don't say what size you are but you can't even be that fat with the amount of exercise you describe doing. This sounds like it's in your head.

If your self-consciousness is affecting your behaviour in terms of not doing things ie swimming, sunbathing, having sex I can understand his frustration. Seconding PP who suggested therapy.

I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.

How did that translate exactly?

because if you decided to wear board shorts, or tankini top and swimshorts or whatever, but join in as always and it made no difference to the holiday, it's fine. You wear what you want to wear.

If you were hiding and not joining the rest of the family, or if you were completely miserable wearing too many clothes, obviously uncomfortable, then yes, it has an impact on the kids.

I would be pissed off if my husband decided he didn't like his middle-age body AND decided he would bail out from all the normal water activities with the kids.

I would agree that it is absolutely possible to feel crap about your body and still join in with all activities.

i objectively hate my body (I have a neurological disease that will kill me young, plus scars from an major accident).

I bloody love sunshine and the beach and being in water generally (can’t walk far and use a wheelchair but swimming doesn’t require weight bearing!)

I have loads of incredibly light summer maxi dresses that hide most of my body but are comfortable in 34 degree heat.

when swimming I’m mostly in rash vest and boy leg swimsuit but lots of outdoor shops do shorts you can swim in (aimed at activities like coasteering but I use them for swimming).

about the only thing you really do have to get naked for is sex. Although I suppose throughout history that’s not always the case.