I’m looking for some perspective because I can see both sides and I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive.
My husband and I have been together since university, married for 15 years, are now entering our 40s and we have four children three boys and a girl. Our youngest is nearly three.
We were quite active together for a long time, go hikes have climbed mt Kilimanjaro, have completed LeJog together multiple times and a lot of other cycling. We’ve cycled across Europe. We still cycle together now the kids are older we can take them all. All in all we are very active. I have watt bike that I cycle on every single morning to start my day.
My husband is a good man. He’s supportive, a brilliant dad and I know he loves me. I love him very much too. But the last year has been the hardest we’ve had as a couple. We’ve lost some of our connection and he feels like I’ve neglected our marriage. He has even suggested counselling because he doesn’t want us to drift apart.
The thing I struggle with most is my confidence.
Before children I was much more comfortable in my body. I’m not 50kg anymore and after four pregnancies my body has changed a lot. I know my body has done something amazing, but I don’t feel confident in it.
I do work out I’m up most mornings exercising and I do try, but confidence hasn’t just returned.
We went on holiday to the Caribbean with the children and I really struggled. I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.
My husband got frustrated and we ended up having an argument. He said I “need to fucking work on myself” and that he worries about what our daughter will learn if she sees me being so uncomfortable and hiding my body.
I know he probably means he wants me to feel happier and more confident, and I don’t want my daughter growing up ashamed of herself either. But the comment really hurt because I feel like I am trying. I’m not choosing to feel this way.
It has affected our sex life too. Since having our youngest, I often wear an oversized top during sex. It helps me feel less exposed. It’s not because I don’t want my husband I love him and I want that closeness but I struggle looking at myself sometimes and feel much more comfortable covered.
Recently we tried to have sex and he stopped halfway through because he felt I wasn’t really into it. He said it feels as though I can’t even have sex with him without feeling insecure and I’m not the person he has known all these years.
I understand that he wants me to feel good about myself, he does things to help me feel good and confident but I also feel like he doesn’t understand how much motherhood, pregnancy, breastfeeding and body changes can affect how you see yourself.
AIBU to feel hurt by the way he spoke to me and think he needs to be more understanding?