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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH trying to force oral

256 replies

whyohwhybrainrots · 27/07/2026 17:36

Ok before I write this I know there will be a lot of leave him comments but this isn’t why I’m writing it I just needed to rant! We have a lot of other things going on at the moment which would make leaving impossible currently. It’s something to think about down the line.

So me and DH were having some ‘us time’ the other night which is very rare (few times a year) due to DCs health needs and that taking up lots of our time. I was already not really in the mood due to him asking in a vulgar way (“do you want to Fxxx”) but just let that slide. He then gets on top and whilst he’s on his knees and I’m lying down he kind of shuffles up the bed and says “oh just a little suck first” I said no and tried to pull him back down to kiss etc, he then kept saying just go on only a little bit and kept laughing and trying to get his penis closer to my face. At this point I had said no twice, I then sat up, pushed him back and very forcefully said “I said no!” . He then acted like it hadn’t happened and we carried on.

not that it matters but I’m a survivor of child SA and so I can get triggered easily by things like this. I just think why do men feel like women would want to do this all the time, like it’s their right to make us? I’m sick of men thinking women are just objects to satisfy them. How would he feel if I’d done the same thing demanding oral when he said no?

like I said this isn’t about leaving as that isn’t currently possible, it’s just a rant about how men think that women can just be used!

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/07/2026 19:33

HollyhocksandPeons · 27/07/2026 19:12

You don't need to justify your disgust and revulsion by saying you were a victim of SA. You just need to say 'I am not a pervert', or 'oral sex is usually for dogs'.

We should step back for a second from our current glamorisation of perversion in all shapes and forms - and ask questions - 'hang on, why did Demi Moore said in that film 'suck my dick' to her enemy'? What is it an insult to call somebody a 'cock sucker'? etc. etc. Maybe then people will realise that is perversion and what is not?

Between two consenting adults it can be pleasurable.
OP’s DH was wrong to try forcing her, many women and men enjoy oral sex.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/07/2026 19:33

He's disgusting and disrespectful and you really do need to leave him as soon as you can.

I wouldn't want to go near him again. What a pig.

SummerDive · 27/07/2026 19:33

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2026 19:20

Have you told him that it might work both ways? I voted YABU because you are putting up with his repetitive behaviour that you don’t like, you even say leaving him is something to think about down the line, why put it off?

Maybe something to do with dealing with a child with health needs? As stated in the OP
Or the financial restrictions coming from that?

Not everyone is free to just leave.
Or more precisely the cost of leaving might be such that it’s not manageable for some people.

ThatCheeseNeedsEating · 27/07/2026 19:34

It's not minor at all. He shouldn't have done it whether you were SA or not but he should've been more sensitive because of that. You need to speak to him about this esp as he carried on as if it was nothing. He really needs to understand the significance of his actions and its effect on you.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 27/07/2026 19:34

whyohwhybrainrots · 27/07/2026 17:36

Ok before I write this I know there will be a lot of leave him comments but this isn’t why I’m writing it I just needed to rant! We have a lot of other things going on at the moment which would make leaving impossible currently. It’s something to think about down the line.

So me and DH were having some ‘us time’ the other night which is very rare (few times a year) due to DCs health needs and that taking up lots of our time. I was already not really in the mood due to him asking in a vulgar way (“do you want to Fxxx”) but just let that slide. He then gets on top and whilst he’s on his knees and I’m lying down he kind of shuffles up the bed and says “oh just a little suck first” I said no and tried to pull him back down to kiss etc, he then kept saying just go on only a little bit and kept laughing and trying to get his penis closer to my face. At this point I had said no twice, I then sat up, pushed him back and very forcefully said “I said no!” . He then acted like it hadn’t happened and we carried on.

not that it matters but I’m a survivor of child SA and so I can get triggered easily by things like this. I just think why do men feel like women would want to do this all the time, like it’s their right to make us? I’m sick of men thinking women are just objects to satisfy them. How would he feel if I’d done the same thing demanding oral when he said no?

like I said this isn’t about leaving as that isn’t currently possible, it’s just a rant about how men think that women can just be used!

This is absolutely vile behaviour

if you don’t leave after this then you have preety low standards to be honest - raise your standards and leave this revolting creature!

Port1aCastis · 27/07/2026 19:35

Dig your teeth in!

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/07/2026 19:35

@whyohwhybrainrots can I point out, he’s a rubbish lover? He isn’t attempting to make sex fun for you, too. Just an itch to be scratched, and you are the brush he’s using.

I know you aren’t in a position to leave. You absolutely can decide that he’s no partner and you aren’t interested in sex with him. It’s just a housing arrangement until you can change your circumstances.

SummerPeonies2026 · 27/07/2026 19:36

Op I think you need to talk to a trusted counsellor that specialises in SA - not because of what happened to you as such, but the impact of accepting this kind of behaviour at all. To learn how to protect yourself from this going forward.

SatsumaDog · 27/07/2026 19:37

Gross, but then I think oral sex is revolting.

You said no and that should be enough. Any coercion past that is abusive.

Polito · 27/07/2026 19:38

Something similar happened to me too - about 2/3 years ago- but there were no words / verbal requests - just aggressive positioning. It was alarming and awful. I considered if I should leave him. It turns out it was a one off. Didn’t repeat. I wasn’t brave enough to talk to him about it. I just repositioned myself to communicate ‘no’. There’s an unspoken understanding now that oral happens on my terms only. Not by request. Also - it sounds like you were being ‘mounted’ such that you would be underneath - which makes it feel extra threatening - loss of control etc.

MsIceSandwich · 27/07/2026 19:40

Some of these comments are batshit, oral sex is for dogs, penises are dirty, oral sex is perverted and a fetish.
Forcing it on someone is wrong, always, but the consensual act isn't.

SatsumaDog · 27/07/2026 19:44

MsIceSandwich · 27/07/2026 19:40

Some of these comments are batshit, oral sex is for dogs, penises are dirty, oral sex is perverted and a fetish.
Forcing it on someone is wrong, always, but the consensual act isn't.

Why is it batshit to dislike oral sex? A huge number of women don’t. Personally I don’t want a part of the body which is used to urinate shoved in my mouth. In the same way I don’t want someone’s dick up my arse. I think it’s gross. If other people choose to do it that’s their personal business. For me it’s a no and that doesn’t make me batshit.

U53rName · 27/07/2026 19:46

whyohwhybrainrots · 27/07/2026 19:03

It wasn’t mentioned to be honest as he never has been in to anything like that. He always says he needs oral to help him get fully hard but doesn’t think it might work both ways!

Fucking hell. 🚩

caringcarer · 27/07/2026 19:46

He must know you experienced SA as a child yet he totally disregarded your feelings. I wouldn't have agreed to sex at all after that. Your DH sounds like a bully trying to force you into things you don't feel comfortable with.

MsIceSandwich · 27/07/2026 19:46

SatsumaDog · 27/07/2026 19:44

Why is it batshit to dislike oral sex? A huge number of women don’t. Personally I don’t want a part of the body which is used to urinate shoved in my mouth. In the same way I don’t want someone’s dick up my arse. I think it’s gross. If other people choose to do it that’s their personal business. For me it’s a no and that doesn’t make me batshit.

Edited

You can dislike it all you want but to say it's for dogs and a fetish is blatantly batshit.

WhisperingHi · 27/07/2026 19:47

whyohwhybrainrots · 27/07/2026 19:03

It wasn’t mentioned to be honest as he never has been in to anything like that. He always says he needs oral to help him get fully hard but doesn’t think it might work both ways!

And he wonders why you don’t want more sex!

Real men know how to please women. Sounds like you need to send him a link to foreplay.

Iamnotalemming · 27/07/2026 19:48

Vile

Badbadbunny · 27/07/2026 19:49

Nofeckingway · 27/07/2026 18:25

This is your husband. Can't you have a conversation about it ? Sounds like you need to communicate your triggering feelings with him . He may be horrified that you associate your previous experience with what he might consider just normal relations with his wife .

This! Talk to him, tell him how it made you feel. If you can't talk to him about things like that, you've really not got a relationship at all and you do need to plan to separate.

SummerPeonies2026 · 27/07/2026 19:53

MsIceSandwich · 27/07/2026 19:46

You can dislike it all you want but to say it's for dogs and a fetish is blatantly batshit.

The views of others aren’t ‘bat shit’ just because you disagree! It just sounds like you haven’t really fully explored other views. Many women do not examine their own thoughts on different practices enough.

MyDarlingRose · 27/07/2026 19:53

Gross. Hardly sexy to have a grown man poking his fick in your face saying ‘go on just a little suck’ like a desperate pornified loser. I think a lot of women would have been annoyed and upset let alone turned off. Eurgh.

pragmatismuniversalsentimentalist · 27/07/2026 19:56

User867536 · 27/07/2026 19:15

I think it's absolutely crystal clear to everyone on this thread that the non-consensual factor is wrong and I stated that in my post as well.

It's the deliberate blurring of boundaries that some posters are doing which makes the husband sound like a perverted deviant for expecting it in first place. It's been dragged as an act only done in p0rn and the crude formulation painted as vomit-inducing. (Context always matters in the bedroom and there isn't such a thing as too crude talk depending on which roles each sexual partner chooses to consensually take on).

It's obvious that lots of women don't enjoy the act and are using this situation as a moral crutch to prove how righteously prude they are by painting all men as pigs who dare to ask for oral.

Its not prudish not to like giving oral sex.

No need to pretend to be a cool girl, plenty of women just don't like it, and that's absolutely fine.

Why are you trying to suggest it's prudish to not like a particular sex act? Whats prudish about it?
Some women find it gross and vomit inducing, and its ok for them to hold that opinion.

HollyhocksandPeons · 27/07/2026 20:01

Bananacrepewithnuts · 27/07/2026 19:24

Do you think oral sex (male and female) is perverse?

Do you remember what Tony Soprano replied, when he was asked why he never asks his wife for a blowjob?
He said: What, and she would use the same mouth to kiss my children afterwards?

ohdeardeereverywhere · 27/07/2026 20:01

You have teeth for a reason!
I am not averse to oral but any kind of cohersion during sex is a massive turn off, for pretty much everyone I think? And what he said would have made my legs, never mind my mouth, literally clamp shut.
If you want to stay married to this man, you need to have a serious conversation with him. It’s grim and I would have kicked him out of bed.

HollyhocksandPeons · 27/07/2026 20:04

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/07/2026 19:33

Between two consenting adults it can be pleasurable.
OP’s DH was wrong to try forcing her, many women and men enjoy oral sex.

Many men and women enjoy long reverberating farts - no need to inflict it on other people though, right?

Katigee410 · 27/07/2026 20:05

IMO it's totally unacceptable, anything non consensual is not acceptable in the bedroom, or anywhere else for that matter. Obvs I don't really know your situation but he doesn't seem to respect you when it comes to intimacy. Appreciate you just need to rant and get it off your chest but it sounds really terrible to me

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