DH trying to force oral

[whyohwhybrainrots]

Ok before I write this I know there will be a lot of leave him comments but this isn’t why I’m writing it I just needed to rant! We have a lot of other things going on at the moment which would make leaving impossible currently. It’s something to think about down the line.

So me and DH were having some ‘us time’ the other night which is very rare (few times a year) due to DCs health needs and that taking up lots of our time. I was already not really in the mood due to him asking in a vulgar way (“do you want to Fxxx”) but just let that slide. He then gets on top and whilst he’s on his knees and I’m lying down he kind of shuffles up the bed and says “oh just a little suck first” I said no and tried to pull him back down to kiss etc, he then kept saying just go on only a little bit and kept laughing and trying to get his penis closer to my face. At this point I had said no twice, I then sat up, pushed him back and very forcefully said “I said no!” . He then acted like it hadn’t happened and we carried on.

not that it matters but I’m a survivor of child SA and so I can get triggered easily by things like this. I just think why do men feel like women would want to do this all the time, like it’s their right to make us? I’m sick of men thinking women are just objects to satisfy them. How would he feel if I’d done the same thing demanding oral when he said no?

like I said this isn’t about leaving as that isn’t currently possible, it’s just a rant about how men think that women can just be used!

"expect " as in "think its very likely it will be there but if not, well just a prediction that didn't turn out to be correct" or "expect" as in "feel entitled to".

They are very different meanings @User867536 , have a think about which you were thinking about here.

There was no way I was staying with him after that,

Not all men are like that BTW.

Some of us like it. It turns us on and it's a regular part of our sex lives. You could say what's the mutual pleasure of a man just doing things to us, but of course it is. It's normal to want to please each other.
When talking about a partner not respecting boundaries, keep it specific, because this isn't all men, as in, it shouldn't be accepted. I've had more respectful fuck buddies and ONS, than some of the husbands on here.

They do! My ex. Lied about loving it at the start then stopped cold after 6 months. OP, obviously as an SA survivor your partner needs to be sensitive.

on the other hand, I could not lived with a relationship where oral sex was not a common feature. It is relationship ending for me. He also barely reciprocated and it sounds like you’re going through that which isn’t ok.

Dont compare him and what he chose to do to you, to want the person who hurt you as a child chose to do to you. I’m not very good at wording myself but the reason I say this, is because it means you end up logically rationalising/minimising and then as a result tolerating shitty and abusive behaviour.

I too was abused a child and until I met dh, every male partner I’d been with would have this way if of trying to get me to change my mind to something I’d said no to. I’d then tell myself I’m too easily triggered, or tell myself it could be worse, or that even IF they went further, I could get away, all those things were just ways for me to tell myself I’m safe and it’s not as bad, while the man who heard the words no, would choose to keep at it and then act like nothing had happened. It’s took a lot of reflection and work on myself to realise that I wasn’t actually safe, because for days after instances like in your OP, my brain would be ruminating and I’d have low level anxiety and panic hanging over me like a dark cloud. And even when I’ve chosen to continue and we’ve gone on to have sex, I haven’t been present and enjoying it because I’d feel hyper alert to my partner trying the thing I’d said no to again.

A loving partner shouldn’t trigger you. Just because he didn’t hurt you the same was as you were hurt as a child, doesn’t make it harmless.   I’d be really upset by this.

I really believe it would be dangerous to pretend they are, because it make it sound like it's some weird curse we should just accept.

No, having a sexual relation with a man (or a woman) doesn't mean someone can try to force something on someone. That's not normal, that's abuse at best. Normal relationships are not abusive!

I'm obviously missing something as from what OP describes there wasn't really any forcing involved... perhaps a little too pushy and enthusiastic in the heat of the moment, but nothing that an honest conversation with her DH about her feelings could not resolve. It also seems that her previous experience of SA may be clouding how she feels about this. I just can't really understand the massive hysteria of women on this thread equating her DH to some kind of bestial rapist. I feel like I must live on a completely different planet to most of you, if you are really serious about how you view this incident and not just ramping it up for MN.

OP uses the word force in the title of this thread, so it would seem to be how she views it.

Having to get cross, push him back and say no THREE times really isn't normal. That is more than 'a little pushy' and forceful sounds entirely accurate.

I think he definitely needs to be told that one No means no, and if he pushes again that would be the last time you have sex. He thinks its nothing to you and you can just "have a little suck" just like that - tell him next time you will try to make him do something he doesn't particularly like, how would that feel?

In addition to being generally stupid a lot of men still have this delusion that women need to be convinced to do certain sexual acts because, if they overcome their prudence (or whatever) they will enjoy it. Porn has a lot to answer for.

It sounds like you don't find it acceptable that your dh does this. Plenty of men hear the word no as soon as it's said. I'm sure plenty don't, like your dh. Some wives put up with it, others choose to leave. That's the only thing you have control over, so the first thing you should be thinking about, rather than somehow trying to normalise his behaviour by suggesting it's just what men do.

Ugh, how awful. No means no. Anything less than enthusiastic consent is a no. It's bad enough on its own, but he knows you're a survivor of SA. 😢

A LOT of men see a woman's body as a toy that can be used - especially once they're in a committed relationship. It's a major reason I prefer to be single. So many of them just seem to have this sense of ownership over our bodies. It's absolutely grim. We don't do the same to them!

OP - next time Theres “us” time and he’s on top keep pushing his head and say “just a little suck”.

Because it’s not normal to have a husband who tries to force you to do sexual things that you do not want to do , that’s why .what are you on about ?

This happened to me many years ago in my early marriage and juggling a young family too. Ended up just blurting it out one evening that my preferences had changed and found myself explaining to my otherwise kind hubbie what I would like instead. For us it was a communication issue and I was able to sort it out. Only you will know if this can be fixed.

I've got a very simple rule. If your put your penis near my mouth when I said no, I will bite you. You only need to bite once for them to understand you mean it.

Bad, on several fronts.

I know you've done this already, but if you want to put him to a real test, sit him down if you get a quiet moment, look at him, and make it crystal clear that if you don't look keen on something or say no, that he is to respect that, otherwise it makes you feel distressed, uncomfortable, especially due to your sexual abuse history.

He's already behaved poorly, so if he ignored you again, honestly....I'd divorce him, but appreciate it's not that easy when you have kids.

You should be able to trust a man sexually 100%. The cost and risk to women is to great not to.

Has this always been the case?

It's not prudish to consider it OK for them to WANT it, but not - as you insinuate - to EXPECT it. And also, given that oral is "a perfectly normal part of a healthy sex life", how about suggesting that to OP's partner who's only interested in receiving it while refusing to provide it in his turn? Hardly a healthy sex life if it's only about him getting serviced.

"I'm going to write this graphic description of a man's completely inappropriate sexual behaviour but you're not allowed to give me honest advice".

Your husband is an incredibly selfish lover. Sorry an evening that should have been about spending time together and building intimacy was wrecked by your husband being a dick

The men on this thread stand out a mile.

Honestly I'd be stopping having sex with him completely and putting that energy into your medium/long-term plan to leave.