AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

It had been over a year since the incident where I realised they are scared of dogs and I had forgotten to be honest. Even if I had remembered though, I would have still invited them as I wouldn't want to exclude them but probably would have sent a separate message beforehand just to say the dog will be around but I can put her on a lead if needed. Obviously that would have been no good though as the mum says they won't be near a dog on a lead anyway.

We tend to take it in turns between houses for playdates but this mum and one of the other mums never have us round their house so the rest of us organise things for the whole group. This is the first playdate for the whole group DD will have had at our house but she has had other groups of friends and individual friends round before. We do lots of other things with this group of friends too and it's always just a case of who can make it comes and if we can't make it, no hard feelings.

Read the thread and do one.

Ignore the people claiming you are being somehow mean to this child and her sister by not shutting the dog away.

You are doing nothing wrong.

Let’s put it this way. What if someone’s child (in the playdate group) is afraid of the colour white and you have white walls. By not repainting your house, do you put your house above a child, a little helpless human being? Or what if someone’s child (in the playdate group) has Prader-Willi and will want to eat all the food he or she sees or finds so no food and no fridges should be in the house? Again, do you put your needs above the needs of the child? Are children’s rights and needs unlimited and there is nothing that can limit them, or do they have limits?

To me, it seems that thise children’s needs and fears are excessive. To be absolutely terrified of dogs in this dog-loving country will limit their lives significantly and could lead to agoraphobia. It’s like being afraid of colour white - dogs are everywhere and white is everywhere. Can they demand that ecerything white (including clouds) be repainted? Can they demand that all dogs disappear? No. And the needs of the community and common sense absolutely trump these children’s needs in this case. If this dog could very easily be hidden, then it would be a non-issue of course. But this dog will be exceptionally distressed, so the children should just not come.

It depends how much you want to include these children, clearly not very much

Don't have a dog because I have an extremely dog-phobic child (as a result of several really awful experiences as a toddler and young child.)

I do have cats and had DC friends who were scared of cats. The cats stayed outside.

I aso had rodents (various) and a MIL petrified of rodents. So the pets moved into the shed while she stayed.

If you can't keep your beagle separately, I'd reschedule for a time when your DH or someone can take the beagle out for a walk while the children visit. FIL used to take his dog to the beach for the afternoon when we came.

What makes you think that? She's already explained why she can't shut the dog away. What do you want her to do, rent another house with no dog so that these kids can visit?

I just want to say QuarryQueen I've been very impressed at how you've continued to respond to posters who are repeating the same points you addressed hours ago.

I want to headbutt the wall in regards to some of them and it's not even my thread. So genuinely a huge well done to you for remaining so civil to those making the same points over and over.

I do shut my dog in his bed area if we have kids scared of dogs, and I would normally check in as part of an invite. Given you know they're so scared it'd probably have been better either to not invite them or arrange to host at the park etc. Or start off the invite with "sadly can't shut the dog away due to her age and temperament so your girls might not be comfortable, but if they did want to come then here are the details"
I think the issue has arisen from her accepting the invite and then having to reach out separately- in her head she's assumed of course you'll shut the dog away, so it's come as a shock that you can't.
It's not your fault - your house, your pet, your rules, but probably best to include the info on the invite and not have it all brought up separately. We have a large and exuberant lab so I expect half the kids who visit to be anxious (the other half love him and spend a lot of time "training" him and getting licks!)

The OP suggested this but it was not acceptable to the girls' mother.

The other parent is being very unreasonable.

You are not being malicious, it's just unfortunate that with your particular dog and circumstances her suggestion won't work, and therefore the girls might not be able to attend.

I once shut my cat away for a few hours to host a gathering so a friend could attend. I wouldn't do it again, there were scratch marks on the door and I felt awful for distressing her.

It’s your house , your rules. We had to go to houses with dogs when my son was terrified of them. He now loves them. He and I wouldn’t have been distraut if he decided not to go on a play date because of his fear. Play dates aren’t an entitlement.

The OP has offered solutions that will ensure the dog can't go near the children, the other mum won't agree to them.

I have a very friendly but excitable cocker spaniel who would run and find a toy to bring and show guests and want petting. Harmless, but alarming for children scared of dogs. I wouldn’t lock him away ( he’d bark, scratch and be more cranked up). I’d keep him on a lead and at my feet until everyone was in and doing their thing and he’d got used to the incomers to HIS home.

Not remotely comparable.

The colour white or a house and fridges are not sentient beings with strong attachments bonds to their family. 🐾

It’s like being afraid of colour white - dogs are everywhere and white is everywhere

This is absolute bunkum. It is perfectly possible to navigate a dog-free life with a little bit of planning. Dogs, thank god, are not "everywhere". They are common but they are mostly avoidable where necessary.

There are dog-free sports facilities, beaches, bars, café, shops, libraries etc. When we meet up with friends who own dogs, either the dog is kept elsewhere (as long as the family is happy) or we meet up outside the home.

It's not fun having a severely phobic family member. But it's manageable.

Rubbish - it is the mum who won't sort out her kid's fear by properly getting them help.

The OP has said it is over a year since the hysterics and the kids are still terrified -showing that the lazy arsed mum has not addressed the situation and is enabling it.

Have a cockapoo who is 8 wouldn’t harm a fly. Several moms/friends of ds scared of dogs. For the dog’s sake (don’t want anyone being weird and jumpy around him) and for the sake of my ds we just move dog to another room on play dates. I don’t over think it. People aren’t scared of dogs to spite us - could be a bad history, could be a learned behaviour. Play dates are such a short time, it’s not like they’re staying with you overnight.

You’re welcoming them as a guest in your home. It would be polite to cater to their request. Especially as you have already witnessed them being petrified of a dog.

Read the whole thread first to see OPs reasoning, or at least her replies

I think we are on the same side. If the dog can be shut away, then there is no problem. In this case, those children should skip the playdate or the whole thing needs to be moved elsewhere. I was addressing the statements like - oh you are putting the dog’s needs above the needs of a child, how dare you. My point is - the needs of a child are not sacrosanct and do not always trump everyone else’s needs.

@aster10 - where we disagree is that being afraid or dogs is like being afraid of a ubiquitous colour. A dog-free life is achievable.

I love dogs (mine passed away but yes, I’ve had a dog) but I don’t see what you think it’s going to happen to your dog just by being kept away from children for a bit?

No one means stuffing it in a windowless cupboard, just away from wherever they’ll be playing.

YANBU to not shut your dog away - it’s your dogs home, of course she’s allowed to be in it without restrictions. The other Mum is NBU to not come with her children, however she is BU to complain about the situation and attempt to guilt trip you. I have a dog who I could shut away for a time. He likes his crate (it’s his happy place, his safe place, his den), but I wouldn’t be willing to keep him shut in there if he became unhappy. An elderly dog cannot be shut away if it will stress her out.

Also, lots of dogs are extremely clever and can open doors. So it’s not always a simple case of just “shutting them away”.