AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Of course, but making a child choose between being terrified or missing out on a social occasion with all the other children is anti-social. Society should protect and nurture children.

I don't see why the dog can't be in another part of the house for a couple of hours - I don't buy OP's many excuses - but there is absolutely NO talking to people who are dog-pains. They are some of the most stubborn, obstinate people imaginable, the cyclists of the pet-owning world. There was a thread on Reddit once where a childfree uncle wanted to take his FOUR DOGS to a family occasion at his mum's house where a bunch of tiny children would be. He simply wouldn't listen to reason and leave them at home.

Just because you say she was not rude does not mean she was not rude . We will have to agree to disagree I am afraid .

I’m sorry, but I work with dogs and an elderly dog getting in this state could have a heart attack and die. If people can’t understand that then screw them 🤷🏼‍♀️. You’ve made the right choice, articulated it well and everyone (apart from the children that will have to learn that their fears prevent them from doing some things) will have a lovely time.

Cross posted sorry

This sounds terrible for your dog but if you know this to be the case then your home (the dogs home) simply isn’t suitable for hosting play dates with small children. Even if they’re not specifically afraid most parents wouldn’t expect a dog to be loose around small children and would expect that its owners have a room/garden/crate/pen to keep it away from little fingers

Dog owner here.

I would absolutely not be putting the theatrics of a drama queen (who has probably put her own anxiety onto her kids) above my dog’s needs. Sorry not sorry.

If the dog was ok with being shut away then that would be fine, but given your dog’s reaction I wouldn’t even consider it. Some people are so entitled to think they get to dictate what you do in your own house. Keeping dog on a lead is perfectly reasonable as a compromise.

You didn't actually answer the question of what other compromise you think the OP should do.

You’re not wrong here OP. You’ll never please some people. If it’s raised again I would simply reply, “My dog is elderly and would not be comfortable with what you have described. I’ve offered to tether her, and that doesn’t work, so we understand you declining the invite and look forward to seeing you elsewhere.” I hope DD enjoys her play date, her therapy bills from the unimaginable cruelty and torment are not too high 🤣 and your dog enjoys mooching around her own home unrestricted. P.s. proudly owned by a dog - we stopped being dog owners years ago when she joined our family!

I already said how it should have been phrased . I didn’t say it was rude I said her point was acceptable but the way she said it was very rude and I stand by my point . What are you actually on about? Did you read my post at all ?

I find it hard to believe that your dog - who you describe as placid - gets as upset as that. I think you just don't want to accommodate these children.

I suggested that someone else in your household could take the dog out so that the children can participate and not be scared and the dog doesn't have to be in another part of the house, but I'm guessing you don't want to do that.

I don’t think they’re entitled to dictate I think they’ve been invited somewhere and now the host isn’t being accommodating. If you don’t want to meet your guests needs, then don’t invite them!

at the end of the day the OP can do what she bloody well likes in her own home. (As long as it's legal of course)

If she pushes the point OP I'd tell the mum to get fucked

No - the child’s parent(s) should protect and nurture their child(ren). That’s it - it’s not the responsibility of ‘society’.

The OP’s responsibility is to care for her dog.

If the kid is that scared of dogs, she will be used to missing out

Yeah I'd put my dog away if they were afraid. But I'd probably preface it by saying, I can't keep the dog away all day unfortunately. It's probably an hour or so max. If you don't feel comfortable coming, I totally understand. See you at the next play date! Happy to come to you next time.
If you want to come for the first hour or so and leave when Rex needs to come out, that would be fine.

If you don't want to, then don't. But bear in mind, some irrational fear might find your child one day and you'll be grateful for accommodations. It's not always a choice. If you have said no and she's taken it badly, that's the end of the conversation really isn't it.

Maybe. This is the world we live in these days.

If you had read OPs posts you would have seen that their usual dog sitters are away and her DH can’t be home that day but she offered to move it to a date that he could be there

she has offered many compromises but the other mum will only accept the dog being shut in a room completely out of sight. And let’s face it, she’ll probably bitch if the kids hear the dog

OP also tried to have a private conversation to find a compromise and she kept dragging it onto the group chat

i suspect there’s more to this than the dog tbh

The dog is elderly, and shutting her away would distress her.

I don’t have a dog, but my pets are more important to me than other people’s children, and I will always prioritize their comfort in their own home over the comfort of someone that doesn’t need to be in my house.

“I'd assume I and my child weren't very important to her. I certainly wouldn't appreciate a dog coming above my child.”

Correct, and oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️

When someone's a guest in someone else's home it's polite not to dictate terms in thier hosts home.

Because if it HAS to come down to a choice, children are more important than dogs. I'm a dog lover. but I'm able to maintain perspective.

I agree though that the dog shouldn't be upset. OP shouldn't be hosting this play date or should arrange for the dog to be taken out on a long walk.

The host doesn’t need to accommodate each and every request a guest may make. If that doesn’t suit the guest, they can graciously decline.

I didn't mean how should she have phrased it I asked what compromise you think she should suggest that hasn't already been refused by the other parent.

I'd assume I and my child weren't very important to her. I certainly wouldn't appreciate a dog coming above my child

Lol! I'd put my pet's above other people's children any day!

And luckily it doesn’t matter if you ‘buy it’ or not - the OP has the right to prioritise her dog over someone else’s kid.

I am a dog owner and lover and would put the dog in a pen or another room.

I would shut the dog away, it’s one play date. I think it’s considerate and friendly.
Many people don’t like dogs and not all dogs will just ignore a group of children and stay lying on their bed.