AIBU - DS left out due to fear of dogs

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums, I’m just after some outside perspective regarding a situation surrounding DS (7).

He’s had a fear of dogs for a long time now and we’ve never got to the bottom of it. We’ve tried CBT and various other methods with no luck, so we are now hoping that he will eventually “grow out of it”. Unfortunately this now seems to mean that he’s not being invited to various get-togethers with a couple of school friends that he’s known for years.

One of these friends (who lives down the road) had a small family gathering at their house (with 3 dogs) for their birthday party. We happened to bump into the other friend on their way round to theirs to celebrate their birthday. Nothing was mentioned to us about it, however both friends were talking about it at school. The reason for the non invite was because of the dogs. I then found out that they were getting together to do fireworks in their garden tonight. Again nothing was mentioned and their reason was the dogs (surely the dogs would be inside anyway?). I know that there have been a few other get togethers where we’ve had no invite.

I don’t expect an invite to everything as we aren’t glued at the hip and the fear of dogs is limiting, but AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved? He considers these 2 his closest friends but they talk about these things in school and he gets upset not feeling involved. Perhaps I’m expecting too much, and expecting too many adjustments for us 🤷‍♀️

I can't decide if YABU or not. On the one hand, I feel like they should be extending an invite regardless of the dogs and giving your DS the option, but I think expecting them to make separate plans is a bit much to ask.

We have a large, bouncy dog, and when people are nervous of him, I keep him on a house lead. Are they not willing to do that, or would DS not manage with that either? I think if they're not even trying to include him by managing the dogs, that is a bit unreasonable of them.

I can see why your DS wasn't invited to these gatherings. If you want him to maintain friendships you need to invite his friends to yours or hold family gatherings at yours. It's not the fault of the other families that they have dogs and your DS is afraid of them. It's certainly going to curtail his social life to some extent.

I was also going to say invite the friends to yours. Then your son isn't left out.

(My daughter has someway overcome her fear as she has grown up. We can now go to a family members that has a dog.)

What's stopping you making plans with the boys?

I think if you are organizing/hosting then you can control the environment and ensure it’s dog free. It is kind of on you to issue invitations and keep up the social connections.

Sadly, you cannot expect other households to put their pets away (putting one dog in the laundry for an hour or two might be doable but three wouldn’t work for long) at family gatherings. DS is unfortunately going to miss out on things due to his phobia, which is why it’s really important to keep trying to get on top of it - can he meet some therapy/service/calm dogs to start with?

AIBU to perhaps expect to be asked if we would like to arrange something together (separately from the plans surrounding dogs) so that my son can be involved?

Thats on you. You need to arrange this and invite them.

I too think they you need to invite the friends to your house. It’s a shame that your DS is missing out on events but his fear isn’t the responsibility of his DFs.

I think they should invite him, and then he can always turn it down. He might have said no to the party (although to be honest I’d expect 3 dogs to be kept away from a party of 7 yr olds, sounds like a nightmare for the dogs), but yes to the fireworks as he’d be outside with the dogs inside.

I was terrified of dogs for years. I remember babysitting for a family that had a dog as a young teen, I thought I could cope but ended up hiding in the bathroom…they didn’t ask me again!

It’s sad for your son but realistically if they invited him, it would mean that they would have to make adjustments re either your son or the dogs eg shut the dogs away and they obviously don’t want to. Which is their perogative as it’s their home and they’re hosting. How has it played out when your son has gone round previously? How would you expect it to be handled if your son had been invited?

Maybe speak to the parents but it could be awkward if it’s nothing to do with the dogs.

I do invite them round and they have been to ours for various play dates, my point is that we aren’t even aware that plans are being made, otherwise we would host. I don’t expect anyone to “put the dogs away”

Have you declined previous invitations to their home because of the dogs?
If yes, it's totally understandable for not being asked again...
I also think it's a bit much to ask for separate things to do / organise by the family. If you feel that strongly about it unfortunately you need to organise these separate events.

My dog used to adore fireworks. He'd be very annoyed if there were fireworks in his garden and he wasn't allowed out to watch them.

I agree about the dogs being kept away from the children's party, though, even the most trustworthy dogs we've had have been heavily supervised (leashed) or contained in a different room when we've had large groups of children, for the dog's own safety if nothing else.

We have a dog, and as someone who wasn’t super keen on them as a child I’m conscious that not everyone is a fan. I’d always keep her under close control around any nervous children (although she’s very gentle/not jumpy, she is big).

However, I wouldn’t organise something away from our house if it suited me to have it here. I’d invite all kids & let them decide if they wanted to come or not.

If you want to do something else then you need to organise it.

I have a dog. I'm happy to keep her away from children on a small play date but if it's a family and friends party at home she's going to be involved. She loves people and I'm there to host a relaxed gathering not spend time worrying about the dog. I wouldn't arrange a separate event as I'd have already hosted a whole party.

The non invites are not ‘because of the dogs’, you’re wording it like it’s the fault of the dogs or owners themselves that your son is excluded. It’s because your son would have refused to participate because of the dogs? He is excluding himself. It’s not like it’s a public event that your son cannot attend, that would be more unreasonable. These are private parties/play dates in peoples homes where the dogs actually live. They shouldn’t have to lock them away, and there’s always the chance of them getting out. It sounds like yours sons fear is severe enough that if he accidentally encountered one, then they would be dealing with an extremely distraught child and potentially you being very angry that your child has been frightened. They’re also putting their dogs at risk. Even a placid dog can snap in confusion or fear if they’ve got a scared child screaming and running or flapping in their face. It’s a potential all round disaster.

What do you mean you'd host? You can't host a party I'm organising. If you want to have a get together you need to organise it.

How does your son react in the presence of dogs? I think this is key. It’s one thing for the other families to put the dogs away - but it’s another if his fears make him make a huge screaming fuss for example. That just puts everyone on edge no matter what they do.

Would your DS go, if he was invited? Or would he go and then be a damp squib because of his fears?
Perhaps his friends have said that DS won't go because of the dogs so their parents just haven't invited him?
Why don't you speak to the parents to see if you can do anything to help the situation?

I think you need to be proactive and offer to arrange things more.
I don't think the others are doing anything wrong.
(Plus people should be able to meet in subgroups anyway.)

Sadly no one is entitled to be hosted. It’s up to the family who they invite. You don’t know for sure it’s the fear of dogs though it likely is.

As a host parent you do end up preferring kids friends who are easygoing / polite rather than ones that cause drama and upset that you then have to deal with. I know I will get flamed for it but it’s true.

This is a shame for your son but I expect the whole ‘three’s a crowd thing’ is playing a part here and the other two are just becoming naturally closer.

Likely the other family want to host, so letting you know plans so you can host doesnt suit.

It sounds like you organise plenty for your son and if he wants to try being around the dogs he can let you know and you can update that family for next time.

So they can’t host things because your son is scared of dogs? They have to give you the option to do it instead? Come on now.

When my son was 8 he had a friend with a phobia of all pets, including cats. We were asked that we contain our cat in a room upstairs away from the children, when he came over to play. We did this once or twice with the net effect being a stressed out and unhappy cat who pissed where they weren't supposed to.

It's not the other families job to fix this for you, that is all I will say.

If you want to socialize with them, you have to do the inviting.

This doesn't make sense to me sorry.

You want them to tell you there are plans to meet and give you the option of hosting? That's a bit back to front. They are making plans because they want to host. If you want to host, you make the plans.