AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Is it polite to be a demanding guest that’s averse to taking no for an answer?

Op cannot cater to her without causing significant distress to her elderly dog.

Of course she can’t but there are far more polite ways of getting the point across which the op did in a rude fashion.

My daughter has a crippling fear of dogs. She has never been to her best friends house for this reason. She is slowly overcoming it but without having to ask, anyone we know with a dog has always offered to make adjustments to make her feel welcome in their homes. Her best friends whole family had a discussion about it & his brothers came up with the idea of taking a dog each to their bedrooms if she ever decides to visit & if she ever feels ready to meet them, even on a lead then they will make it happen.

On what planet is “sorry but that won’t be possible” and offering alternative days to meet up rude?

Do people really make “requests” when visiting other people’s homes? If there is something in a hosts home that I do not want to be around then I decline the invitation, I don’t make a request that they alter their family’s life (even if temporarily) to cater to mine or my children’s fears. For example: I was terrified of balloons as a child.. my parents did not request that no balloons were present at other children’s birthday parties, despite the fact that walking by a door with balloons on had me crawling along the floor.

I don’t think it needs to turn into a drama.

she asked (fine) and you said no (also fine - just accept there won’t be any play dates for your daughter with this specific child at home).

My son has a dog phobia. We were getting him therapy. He had a panic attack when one walked past him outside school (it was tiny, harmless and didn’t even register his existence). Dogs don’t remotely bother me. He literally would cross the road and walk infront of a car to avoid one. This is due to seeing someone being bitten on the face and a lot of blood. He was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. We did a few more sessions but honestly just felt a bit useless for his age. I try to speak positively about dogs, I had a women at school who has a therapy dog meet us etc.

Hes still terrified but phobia isn’t so bad that he has to cross the road or avoid the park. He’d still be at the top of the climbing frame to avoid one at a park though or hide behind me (literally). He wouldn’t go on a play date with a dog. My friend has a lovely bouncy springer but she always puts him away, not just for him visiting but any kids and workmen etc. therefore we’ve never needed to ask. If it wasn’t, we probably wouldn’t be able to go over until he got further past his fear. That’s ok though. I wouldn’t have an issue with her. Her choice. As his mum however I have to respect his choice and protect him as his fear is very very real.

Imagine it from their point of view…imagine you’re terrified of spiders. You’re offered to have dinner with a friend and loads of them are just scurrying around. Their harmless spiders, more scared of you than you them. Logic doesn’t win out though, you’re terrified so avoid going as that’s simply not something you could tolerate or enjoy. Imagine a 5 year old who has that fear and their mum isn’t there if the dog seems really really scary. Would he hassle for you and them.

I wouldn't be able to put our dog away for a play date as the children would usually use the living room/dining room to play in and for grown ups to sit in (if it's that kind of a thing - the numbers you've described sound more than we've had over for a party!) But I couldn't put him in the kitchen as that's the room everyone needs to go through to get to the bathroom and for drinks and snacks and the door to the garden.

Mine's old and deaf and dopey now but he'd still not be happy about being banished. He's much calmer if he's able to potter around HIS HOME and snoozes most of the day now he's ancient.

That said, if I had workmen around or we had a birthday party at the house, I have taken him to my parents' home for the day as they've got dogs he gets on with and he loves being at their house, it's a treat for him.

Mine is very good around lots of children of different ages but some children are proper idiots around dogs - we've taken him with us to watch cricket and I've had to have eyes in the back of my head when young kids have approached from behind and pulled his tail or ran straight at him. Not cool.

I have an adult friend who is not keen on dogs. My dog lives with me, it's his home, so she just doesn't come over. I don't like cats! They make me wheezy and itchy, they snag my tights and skirts, they scratch my arms, I don't get it! But I suck it up, take my inhaler and try to remember to wear jeans at my cat friend houses.

That same anti-dog friend was my friend in primary school and one day, we were all talking about what we're scared of. She and another mate of ours said "dogs" and I was like "huh, what?" and they said "yes, we're scared of dogs" and I said "but what about Marcus?!" (my childhood dog who they had met many times each year at my house for parties and after school play dates) "oh he doesn't count".

So, I'd say this other woman is being pretty unreasonable. A dog lives in your house and if they don't want to see a dog, they don't come to your house. If you've got close family or friends who'd be happy to dog sit for the day, that's the other option. You've made it clear that your dog doesn't like being shut away and I can't say I blame him.

I’ve already outlined why it was rude several times . She said “it is her home and she shoudnt have to be locked up” which is blunt and rude . If she said I’m sorry my dog is elderly and gets distressed when locked up and suggested another play date another time that would be absolutely fine . It’s the way of saying it . Making that mother feel like she was being unreasonable asking . When to most normal considerate people it’s a reasonable request .

You’re not being unreasonable; your dog, your house, your rules. She’s not helping her children, their reaction is extreme and needs to be managed.

This thread is full of some really rude house guests!

It would have been rude and poor form if the host had not made guests aware there is a dog/cat/bee hive/ etc etc

That's as far as it goes.

Depends on whether you think dogs are more important than children I guess.

She only elaborated when the parent continued to poke the bear. Why couldn't the other parent just accept no as an answer?

OPs dog is probably more important to her than someone else’s children.

Your comparisons are meaningless because they are not equivalents to the situation we're talking about. Putting a dog in a different part of the house for a couple of hours is easy. It takes two seconds and can be undone in two seconds. The other things you're talking about involve huge disruption to the home (painting) and getting rid of necessary household items.

This thread just reminds me what a obstinate, stubborn, pains in the bum some dog owners are when it comes to their precious furbabies. I am a dog lover but I do not put them above humans and certainly not above children. But there's no talking to some people when it comes to their dogs. It's like a cult.

If I was in this mum's shoes and the OP wouldn't even do a simple thing like shut her dog in another part of the house for a couple of hours, I'd assume I and my child weren't very important to her. I certainly wouldn't appreciate a dog coming above my child.

My son is scared of dogs. I would never ask anyone to shut them away for him but every time people have offered.

As soon as I read she said ‘she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out’ I’d have told her to crack on and do that then. What a ridiculous thing to say. She quite obviously doesn’t need to say anything like that, unless she wants to phrase it that way to try and help her kid to get over her dog fear. Mum can ask kid if she wants to go with the dog on lead and her nearby to reassure and if she says no then take her somewhere nice instead and arrange a different play date she can join in on.

You'd assume correctly. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You might have a bit more understanding of you read the thread or my comments.

I've read all of @QuarryQueen's posts outlining how the conversation went with the other mum. She wasn't rude.

@QuarryQueen you have the patience of a saint. The number of people jumping on only having read the Op given how long the thread is baffles me

does the other mum like to be in control?

Because most parents try their utmost to make small children feel comfortable and safe when visiting on a play date , so it’s unusual when a request like that is refused in a blunt and rude manner

You’d find it easy because your dog isn’t scared. Would you find it easy if you had to subject your dog to a three hour firework display (presuming your dog is scared of them) or someone loudly threatening it for three hours? Or would you say it’s disappointing for the child but it’s not feasible for them to attend?

It's not just a simple two seconds for my dog though. She would be howling, shaking, whining and vomiting within 20 minutes. The lack of compassion from so called dog owners for an elderly dog who gets confused is baffling to me. Should I not consider her needs and just lock her and and allow her to vomit everywhere and be terrified? Should I just leave her to it whilst she shakes, even hours after the children have gone? I hope some of you never have deteriorating elderly pets.

Again just because you use the word rude doesn't mean the OP was rude.

She said no the other parent pushed the issue, she gave context and the other parent overreacted.

She's tried to accommodate the children but short of rehoming her dog so it's no longer at the property what's she meant to realistically do to fix the issue.

Edited to add - of course I don't think she should rehome the dog before someone takes my sarcasm out of context.

Yes people do make requests when it comes to small children it’s quite common . I’ve had requests for certain tv programmes they are afraid of not to be shown for example.