AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Same if you got invited to a pool party and couldn’t swim 🤷🏻‍♀️

It would do them the world of good to be around a lovely, placid dog in a safe environment. The Mum should see this - she is no doubt making their fears worse

Another one not grasping it. We're talking about older dogs with possible dementia. Nothing to do with training or socialising. My 16 year old dog is absolutely fine to be left on his own but becomes distressed if he hears people in the house and doesn't understand what is happening. This is something that has developed as he's gotten older. Much the same as people who have dementia.

Best that OP makes the most of the remaining time with her dog then.

I would simply explain that you can't shut the dog in another room and it's a real shame the children can't attend the play date and next time you'll try and arrange it at a venue where her children can. Leave it at that. This is their problem - not yours.
My niece is 8 and petrified of dogs for no reason. They don't visit us - although our little dog will happily stay in the bedroom if they did.

When children develop these phobias/fears for no apparent reason, it really inhibits their enjoyment of things.

My dogs three and he’s so chilled but goes mental if he’s shut away whilst people are in, I wish it’s something I’d trained him to be okay with when he was younger. It would be easier in instances such as this.

Okay to be fair this is the obvious solution and I think the other mum is being a bit unreasonable not to consider it as it is a fair compromise with a very similar outcome. There are some conversations to be had around the dog won’t be able to get to you if the doors are shut etc etc.

Necessary dog skill?!? What a load of rubbish … train your dogs not to jump all over visitors, not to tolerate being shut away all day. Ridiculous.

They may be, but dog owners who think their dog is a human and is more important than a child are also pains.

Invite them a few days before to meet the dog and get over their fear.

I think it’s mad that the OP is willingly creating a situation where one kid from a group is being excluded.

There must be an alternative, different location, different date etc

Fears aren’t rational. And it’s a child.

If an ambulance attends your house, the paramedics will ask you to put the dog in another room.

The OP isn’t being asked not to feed her dog the kidney that would save a child’s life so all of the ‘a child is more important than a dog’ is irrelevant - it’s a play date in the dogs home. Of course the dog is more important to the OP than this mother and her children

it honestly sounds like the mum has decided to make a stand here. Ultimately if the kids are that terrified they won’t even be able to manage even hearing the dog so the only solution is to not attend

The mum must have a very limited range of. places where she takes her DC then because dogs are everywhere. They’re on the beach, in the park, on every walk we do, in cafes, in pub gardens - how do her girls go out if they’re hysterical whenever they see a dog? She is the one who should be talking to them ‘Girls, if we go to this play date, there will be a dog. Shall we try if and see if we can make friends? I’ll be there as will OP. What do you think? If it’s too much we can leave’.

It’s up to them to work it out, not you. It’s a great opportunity for them to work on their fears.

My issue is with the mother of the child (as I have already said, and in any case should be obvious). If the mother won’t tackle the issue then fine - but she can’t expect people to run round after her.

Okay so again what if you have painters and decorators in? Or you are having a kitchen renovation? You can’t just leave them to wander the house can you

My husband's grandsons came to visit. We have three greyhounds. We introduced each dog to the boys, one by one. By the end of the afternoon, they were stroking them. I know there are children who are frightened of dogs but I would not lock mine away. They are members of the family. My son was terrified of dogs until we adopted Amber, ex racing greyhound. He absolutely loves all dogs now 😁❤️

YANBU. Your dog is elderly. I wouldn’t distress my dog for a child that doesn’t have to visit. I’d just say that your dog is elderly and can’t be shut away, and so it’s probably best if her children don’t come.

The world doesn't revolve around your badly behaved untrained dog

Nope I wouldn't be doing that. You've got a group of children there not just one I'd just not invite that kid. I couldn't separate an elderly dog in its own house. I wouldn't leave any dog unsupervised with any child but as that's not going to happen.

I mean, her house does though. And he's neither badly behaved nor untrained if you bothered to read all the OP's posts.

Nor does it revolve around another kid and her parent demanding things the OP in her own house.

This post might as well read hi I didn't read the thread...

How is the child supposed to live their life when the sight of a dog sends her into hysterics?

The OP isn’t excluding the child. The parent should be dealing with the phobia and in the meantime needs to understand that her daughters may be limited in where they can go.

Did you mean to come across in such an unpleasant way? OP has not imposed her dog, who is elderly and not badly behaved or untrained, on others. Your statement can be applied to the other woman and her children too, you know.