To give dsd DD’s bedroom?

[dontsayplease]

Teen Dsd will be moving in with us soon full time and indefinitely. I won’t go into details but there are obviously upsetting reasons for this.

Currently when shes stayed overnight (which isn’t very often) she stayed in pre teen DD’s room. I know this isn’t ideal and the long term goal was either loft conversion or ‘granny flat’ - we will be deciding and speeding up the process of this but obviously is going to take time.

She needs her own bedroom now though and the simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd, they do get on but she has said she doesn’t want to do this.
She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work for either of them.

Would we be unreasonable to tell dd she has to give up her room and share with younger sister for the next few months?

I'd like to echo the others by saying you really sound like a lovely step mum and mum - you are considering the well being of the children but I think you need to view DD position more objectively.

I am normally fully focused on the children as adults have agency and choice, but in this situation I would let DSD use my bedroom, especially as it's all so sudden, the rhythm and feel of your house is about to be disrupted and you don't know exactly what that will look like.

Blow up bed for you and DH, DH transfers to your room in the morning. Re assess in maybe 3/4 weeks in the hope that the girls are naturally gravitating towards one room or the other.

DSD doesn't need to walk into a house where your DD is hostile as she's lost her room.

It will never be forgotten. They are both at delicate ages and being shoved aside and your feelings (said no to it) not being taken into consideration but instead just ignored shows that child just how much they are valued in the family.

The DSD may not be in a great place, but each child has value and each child should be listened to and not each child has to be ignored.

I would suggest talk to them as a group and explaining the tricky situation. You might be surprised that they come up with a solution together that works for them all. That works better than the parents imposing a solution which favours one child more than the other. The middle one may never get a room to their own again until they move out.

Oh so dd loses her en-suite

This sounds fair ...

This, after your update that both rooms are suitable for 2 and DD11's has the en suite. I was presuming DD8's room was significantly bigger. DSD is getting an upgrade anyway in getting her own private space, and when her two sisters have an en suite then it's no biggie to use the family bathroom. If privacy is a particular concern this can be addressed with the right lock.

I think if it really has been a traumatic week for 14 year old she’s old enough to choose. Since one room is set up for 2 kids and has the bathroom vs one is a single I think she should get the choice of those. Either sharing with her 11 year old sis is what she’s used to and might provide her some comfort and normality. Or she can get the single room. To herself and 11 &8 y/o share. Don’t necessarily be pushing all the compromise on the middle child.

Hi, @dontsayplease . I was your eldest DD in a similar scenario.

You need to tread very carefully here. Very carefully. My parents were woefully out of their depth when a similar scenario occurred in our family and involved 2 more children, not just one. It was an unmitigated disaster from which there has been a huge amount of fallout.

My advice, FWIW, is to make sure you have an end date and stick to that date, moving heaven and earth if you have to, whereby your DD gets either her room back or the loft conversion - depending on which one SHE wants.

I have no idea of the circs here but if it's down to tragedy, once the dust has settled make sure you don't adopt an unwitting hierarchy of tragedy. Your own kids will never be able to compete, always be expected to accept the DSD being put first and will be sidelined as a result, whether you mean for that to happen or not.

Kids DO NOT see things through adult eyes. What makes perfect sense to you might be seen as grossly unfair through your kids' eyes. You can expect kids to be grown up about things but they're still children and young ones at that.

The children all share a father which will make things easier to a point, which is obviously good. But putting a burden on your eldest DD to always accommodate the changes is unfair and, whilst she may do it, could well lead to some very uncomfortable years ahead for your relationship with her.

Hope some of that is useful, and not too negative. Wishing you the best of luck.

I’d get the older two to share. They might have different birth Mums but this is a permanent move and you are de facto mum to all three now. Get on with the loft conversion, but the older girls can share for now.

Just showing appreciation for the excellent Buffy reference 😂❤️

Indeed. I had to share with first my older and then my younger brother for years. We moved and I finally got my own room - for less than a year, when my mum then made me share with a girl I wasn't related to for what seemed AGES but in retrospect was actually the six week summer holiday. I hated it, hated the other girl and more than 50 years on, am still occasionally resentful about.

Why do you feel it’s unsuitable for DD and DSD to share if that’s DD’s preference?

DSD has been thrown out of her home and moved away from her school and friends - I suspect her needs are the greatest here

Where does it say that? From ops posts I thought she’s lost her mum?

It’s not top trumps though is it.

Just because one child has given up everything doesn’t mean everyone else has to give everything up.

Like another poster said be wary of turning it into but dsd has to give up this and that so the least we can do, but dsd doesn’t get to have this and you do so let’s just let her…

Three children not just one. Don’t put one on a pedestal.

She will need extra comfort in the immediate, she will need a professional to speak to,
she will need some understanding.

But she will need routine, love, boundaries and not to be made the golden child and not to be put in a position by the adults where she can become resented either.

In theory she needs the norm not change.

The norm would be in the room with her sister but with extra support.

Because enough has already changed for her so keeping even one thing normal can actually be one of the biggest helps for a child. A comfort where things haven’t changed.

It's a tricky one OP.

I can understand why an 11 year old, on the cusp of starting high school would prefer to share with a 14 year old than an 8 year old.

Do you have an en-suite bathroom yourself OP? If so, the 'family bathroom' will be mainly for the child / children in DD2's bedroom, is that right?

If the above is correct, I think I would be inclined to move DD2 in with DD1 - it might appease DD1 a bit. From the perspective of DSD - although she will not be in the familiar room, she has a room to herself and can see that you are making room for her to join you. It's still very welcoming and she still gets her own room.

Am very wrong! I read ops post as “losing her mum” but it’s leaving her mum.
if she has been kicked out for poor behaviour at home, then no she shouldn’t be kicking DD1 out of her room!

The wicked stepmother is not just a literary trope then.

I don't think there's been any suggestion that it's the DSD's own behaviour that's the issue - @dontsayplease mentioned managing her distress. Could be all sorts of things.

I think you're right about your step-daughter having her own room, and agree that it's not practical you and your husband moving to the lounge, so your two daughters need to share. I wonder though if your eldest would feel better about sharing with your youngest if the youngest was moving in to her room. That way the 8 year old is moving into a more grown-up space rather than the 11 year old moving into a less grown up space. I think if you move any bedding / anything your step daughter is used to into the 8 year olds room & give her the option to go out and get some paint to redecorate then that'll be ok as she has the option to make it hers.

The situation isn’t dsd’s fault at all, her mum is still alive but she can no longer live with her.

I understand I’m being very vague and maybe would have got more helpful replies if I explained the full story but it’s a sensitive situation and I don’t want to risk anyone who recognises my post to read as we won’t even be giving the full story to all friends and family to protect dsd.

I do hear the replies though . My immediate thought was dd is fine, safe and happy so will just have cope with sharing with baby sister for a bit and that as dsd’s whole world has just been turned upside down and she’s lost the relationship with her mum she has to be my number 1 priority. I understand that could not just backfire on my relationship with dd but also the relationship between dd and dsd.

dds life is going to change a lot with an older half sibling moving in full time in difficult circumstances and she needs to feel that her feelings and opinions are listened to and that she needs to have her own space too.

The DSD IS an existing kid. She is the dad’s first daughter and has obviously had an upsetting time. @dontsayplease can you explain to your daughter it is temporary and it will help her sister who is upset ?

But will dsd be hurt and upset at not being given the larger ensuite room? As it sounds like you KNOW moving dd1 from her
room, especially when she’s said she’s willing to share it,
will upset her?!

She’s 11. How many 11 year olds have an en-suite ?

You've clearly made up your mind. But I think you're going to cause alot of issues within the siblings. 11 year old is going to resent everybody, it's going to be classic middle child syndrome. She'll be fighting with 8 year old all the time as they're not used to sharing. 14 year old is going to feel out of place and unwanted.

I don't understand why 14 yo and 11yo can't share if thats what they're used to and comfortable with. It doesn't sound like 14 yo has even ASKED to have her own room. You're just assuming. She might prefer to have the company of her siblings if she's going through something, having to leave everything and everyone she knows. The familiarity will probably help.

Moving 11yo out of her own bedroom where she has an ensuit and moving her into her little sisters bedroom is imo the worst option. 8yo moving into 11yos room makes more sense then the two sharing have their own bathroom. 14 yo and 11yo continuing to share like they always have makes the most sense.

Given there is little time to prepare, I’d go with dsd sharing with 11yro as per previous visits. But warn 11yro that in the early days she may need to be a bit flexible & occasionally bunk in with little sis if dsd needs space. How much of dsd’s trauma could you tell 11yro (in an age appropriate way) just so she understands why she has to be flexible.

Also tell her that if it becomes a permanent arrangement & you do the loft/garage/extension, that she’ll get first choice of room if she’s been kind and caring during these early days. You can still change arrangements if it’s clear after a few weeks that it’s not working & everyone can have a vote at that point.

Lots of hugs all round during these times. Good luck. X