To give dsd DD’s bedroom?

[dontsayplease]

Teen Dsd will be moving in with us soon full time and indefinitely. I won’t go into details but there are obviously upsetting reasons for this.

Currently when shes stayed overnight (which isn’t very often) she stayed in pre teen DD’s room. I know this isn’t ideal and the long term goal was either loft conversion or ‘granny flat’ - we will be deciding and speeding up the process of this but obviously is going to take time.

She needs her own bedroom now though and the simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd, they do get on but she has said she doesn’t want to do this.
She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work for either of them.

Would we be unreasonable to tell dd she has to give up her room and share with younger sister for the next few months?

Good lesson for DD at 11 to learn more about compassion and selflessness. I'd make a fuss of her and treat her to some new things for when she shares with her younger DD for a while. Sounds like a difficult situation for DSD and DH and all of you tbh. But it isn't unusual for an 11 year old to share a room with her sister. As someone said upthread - it's hardly a scandal. She's just sharing a lovely warm, comfortable bedroom with her younger DD for a while in a home with her loving parents.

Is the loft conversion actually going to be booked in for when builder is next available or is this a pipe dream? If DD is going into the loft which is available by this time next year then fine, otherwise you're mentally torturing her a bit

An easier solution is build a garden room and have DH sleep in that, then you either on sofa or with DD8 and make sure that you have extended by the time she is a teen.

Is this working pattern through choice or collaboration with colleagues in different time zones? Everyone is having to compromise here, can't he have a go at getting up early and working then instead? If DD8 could fit on a floorbed in your bedroom (not in your actual bed) then that might offer the best balance of what everyone wants. (Obviously she'd need to keep her stuff somewhere -- DD11 might be happier to compromise by giving over storage space in her room).

Don’t know about anyone else, but I’d have LOVED this set up when I was young!

You and DH get a sofa bed in living room, and give DSD your room temporarily whilst loft conversion is being sorted.
Only solution that takes into account all their needs. Sometimes you’ve got to make sacrifices for your kids. DSD will have some issues to deal with, this will affect your DDs as well as the change of her moving in, don’t go throwing their rooms/ safe space upside down too.

I would go with what your dd wants tbh.
She won’t be that happy to give up her room and share her space anyway. As you’re talking about a temporary measure, it seems logical to go with what your DD wants. Afterall, if it’s reaLly not working, she can still move with her younger sister anyway.

Otherwise, I feel you’re going to end up with a very resentful child.

Having a traumatised half sister move in will be difficult for the younger children too. I hate when people pretend they’ll just be fine if they make a fuss of them.

This may need to happen because of the parents choices, but all the children’s feelings should be acknowledged, not just the one who seems to be going through the most. Minimising any of the children’s feels isn’t acceptable. They will all need support.

So does your daughter. It doesn’t seem fair to ask her to give up her room. I would go with a room divide.

Oh fgs ofcourse the 11 y old and the 8 y old can share. They have lived together all their lives and it's not that big of a difference. 14 y old is a difficult age + difficult circumstances so def needs her own room. Explain and let the 11 y old sulk. It's her stepsister in crisis and she's lucky to live with both her parents and not going through dramatic shit. My friend's daughters are 13 and 9 and they share room- bunkbed. It's absolutely fine.

I don't know the answer to your dilemma but you sound a lovely step mum

A loft conversion (assuming under PD) only takes about 6-8 weeks to build. Get it started now!

Personally I'd give up your room for DSD and you and DH make do on the sofa for the short time of the build. Then you and DH move into the lovely new, presumably ensuite in the loft.

This is the fairest way for all 3 children going forward. It's the adults making the accomodations and the adults who get the new (presumably desireable) loft room.

Throw every mitigation at it to help DD11. It's a lot to cope with especially if she is having to give up her actual room rather than having her sister move in. I would avoid bunks if you can. A small double is a great perk at this age if you can manage it - it felt bonkers to reduce the floorspace in our box room for one, but it's actually transformed a room that felt tight into a really comfortable one for a teen who likes to lounge about rather than playing on the floor.

Consider giving the sharing girls the master bedroom, yourselves the middle, and stepdaughter the smallest. I think sparing everyone's feelings is worth some extra complication if you have the resources (financial, emotional, timewise, you'd need it all)

Oh golly. Forcing the issue will defo not be remembered fondly - ask me how I know - you need to find a creative solution that works at least for now for all parties. Don’t make kids share who don’t want to, just don’t.

Yes everyone acts like it’s not problem for everyone in the house.

Which could be true if the dsd was just wanting to move in if her own free will.

But if she doesn’t want to really and there is trauma behind why she needs to move in to the extent that means the op and her dh think she needs a solid bedroom alone then it’s likely her behaviour and general attitude is likely to rather impact on the rest of the children as well.

Her moving in full time regardless would have some sort of affect let alone is something traumatising has happened.

Add to it feelings of resentment and being pushed out. Not being heard.

If there really is no other option I’d give up my room for the time till the attic was done.

I'm flabbergasted at the suggestion that the OP and her DH have a sofa bed in the living room in order to allow each DD to have her own bedroom. This is just insane: collective family living spaces are incredibly important and individual children's bedrooms are not terribly important.

I am absolutely not suggesting that a few teddies will make DD 'just fine' to have her traumatised sister move in. Of course it will be difficult for all of them - as I pointed out in my post. But DD sharing a bedroom with her younger DD is not going to be the end of the world for her is it? They have loving parents and a home which is the first step for them all to heal is it not?

The adults certainly can sleep downstairs / they would normally be last to bed and first up and it’s temporary and clearly shows all children how they come first

Yes, I think there's nothing wrong with siblings sharing. Many of us had to as a matter of course, and many have to nowadays. This is a particularly difficult situation, though, plus the girl had a room of her own. There's no way round it, so I would agree with decorating the shared room and making it as pleasant as possible.

A heads up that 8yo and 11yo are likely to start bickering and possibly be at each other throats soon.

A forced room share means neither has a place to retreat from the other. My experience is that they get on each others nerves and it ends up very fractious.

Any sort of room division - even wardrobes in the middle of the room, one facing each way - so they have a modicum of privacy helps.

Crack on the the loft conversion. From first discussing it to moving someone into the finished room took us 7 months - it doesn't have to be a drawn out process.

I think it's the right thing to do, to get the two younger girls to share so the older girl can have space - both because she's 14, and because of the circumstances of her arrival. Your middle daughter will no doubt be disappointed, but it's not like she doesn't get on with the youngest, or isn't willing to share - she just doesn't get to share with the big girl. It's only temporary while you sort the granny flat/loft, so assuming you're in a position to get going on those, the world really won't end.

They are if they have been the norm and are being taken away from you against your wishes.
The 11 year old is losing her private space, her position as permanent eldest child in the home and is having a potentially unhappy and disruptive older child take over these things.
It doesn't sound as though she is gaining much apart from the ability to develop her character through self sacrifice.
As she wasn't responsible for any of this maybe she should be allowed a little more say in what happens to her, if sharing with the teen doesn't work out then she can always try sharing with her younger sibling.

You need to have the 8yr old in with you until you've got the loft done. Yes the dh works late and sleeps in but the 8yr old will be up and out at school so that doesn't matter and 8yr olds tend to get up early even in school holidays so it wouldn't be a problem, dh still gets his lie in.

Imo if you make the 11yr old share with a 8yr old so a 14yr gets her bedroom it'll cause resentment and friction.

OP, you said that the 8yo wasn't bothered either way, and the 11yo doesn't want to move, so could you move the 8yo in with the 11yo, and give DSD the 8yo's room?

If DSD absolutely needs her own space then could she have the smallest room and DD (8) moves in with DD (11) with a room divider in place? Dsd gets her own space, DD (11) isn't being turfed out of her room and sounds like DD (8) is fine either way. Then get started on the loft conversion or garden room, whatever the long term plan is.

I shared a bedroom with my sister until I was about 14 and my parents built an extension.

I hate to be one of the 'it didn't do me any harm' generation but this idea that a bedroom each is essential for a child is a bit mad. A loving home with a big enough bedroom for two beds, both kids' things and space either in the bedroom or elsewhere to play and study is absolutely fine.