To give dsd DD’s bedroom?

[dontsayplease]

Teen Dsd will be moving in with us soon full time and indefinitely. I won’t go into details but there are obviously upsetting reasons for this.

Currently when shes stayed overnight (which isn’t very often) she stayed in pre teen DD’s room. I know this isn’t ideal and the long term goal was either loft conversion or ‘granny flat’ - we will be deciding and speeding up the process of this but obviously is going to take time.

She needs her own bedroom now though and the simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd, they do get on but she has said she doesn’t want to do this.
She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work for either of them.

Would we be unreasonable to tell dd she has to give up her room and share with younger sister for the next few months?

It totally depends on how old they all are.

Split the biggest room in two with dividers and put the two youngest in there so they each have their own space and then let dsd have her own room

theres a 3 year gap between all of the girls. Dd loves her big sister and is excited for her to move in. If the circumstances weren’t what they are and it was dsd’s choice to move in then everyone would be very happy for them to share.

Agree there has to be some kind of mitigation and reward for dd.

DSD having her own room is pretty non-negotiable in my view. She will of course have been dealing with whatever is going on with her mother so will need space and time to help her with this huge change.

Of course your dd doesn't want to share - no kid does when given the choice - but she needs to be told she's sharing with her sister and to get her head around it and be gracious about it.

Kids, eh?

It's absolutely fine to move your two DDs into the same room and give a room to DSD providing that the compromise is fully explained to everyone and that you get a move on with the loft conversion/granny flat for DSD.

Sometimes sibling have to share bedrooms. This is not a scandal.

She's 8.

she might not like it, but you're the parents.

you make the best decision for everyone (that includes DH) the youngest sleeping in your bedroom in this situation is not a sensible option

I wouldn't overly 'reward' DD for doing this. I'd be very disappointed in her that at her age she couldn't understand why DSD would need her own space. She should be able to put herself in DSD's position & and think about how she would feel and what she can do to make DSD feel welcome and cared about.

We moved overseas when I was eight, I really did not want to leave my friends and family, but my parents were making the choice because they felt it would be a better life for all of us. Moving bedrooms is nothing.

DD8 will just have to suck it up I'm afraid. It's a good lesson for her that life is about compromise.

I think compassion more than compromise

Sorry my youngest dd is 8 who doesn’t really care either way.
it’s my 11 year old dd we are wanting to move in with her 8 year old sister.

I wasn’t giving ages to not be outing but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I think of it's a temporary measure it should be okay. I am old, I was relegated to the couch when my grandparents moved into to our home to be cared for by mother. Wasn't ideal but I coped. I only had brothers and we were teenagers so sharing rooms wasn't feasible.

At the end of the day, your DD has two parents fully present in her life, your step daughter only has one.

I try anything but that. It’s already a huge change for both girls to then have one feel pushed out of her own room as well could lead to problems between the girls.

Is there not any other room in the house a dining room or any chance of bringing building work faster so show it’s only a very temporary thing.

Just don't make it about age because otherwise DD1 gets to that age and thinks "Well, when DSD was 13 she got her own room and I'm 13 and still sharing with my little sister". Also please acknowledge the loss. Acknowleding that yes, there is an impact on DD1 is important. You are taking away from her, and whilst it might be the decision you make you need to own your decision and the impact it has on her. Do not emotionally blackmail with "Imagine how your big step sister feels, you should be happy you get two parents." Allow the child her feelings and own that you are doing this to her.

If step daughter has to have own room then there are only a few options

have you asked dsd if wants to share till another bedroom is built - or due to nature of living with you she has to be on her own ?

without knowing why she is moving and if wants to it’s hard to give advice

8&11 share a room - easier option with bunk beds for space

partition 8yr room so both have own space tho small

you give up your room so all 3 girls have a room and you sleep in living room

when dh works /needs sleep he sleeps in one of your 2 daughters bedroom if daytime - will be at school unless weekend and obv summer holidays coming up

and full steam ahead with loft conversion if that’s the plan - granny anexe

do you need planning permission

do you have funds so can start asap when find builders

If step daughter has to have own room then there are only a few options

have you asked dsd if wants to share till another bedroom is built - or due to nature of living with you she has to be on her own ?

without knowing why she is moving and if wants to it’s hard to give advice

8&11 share a room - easier option with bunk beds for space

partition 8yr room so both have own space tho small

you give up your room so all 3 girls have a room and you sleep in living room

when dh works /needs sleep he sleeps in one of your 2 daughters bedroom if daytime - will be at school unless weekend and obv summer holidays coming up

and full steam ahead with loft conversion if that’s the plan - granny anexe

do you need planning permission

do you have funds so can start asap when find builders

If step daughter has to have own room then there are only a few options

have you asked dsd if wants to share till another bedroom is built - or due to nature of living with you she has to be on her own ?

without knowing why she is moving and if wants to it’s hard to give advice

8&11 share a room - easier option with bunk beds for space

partition 8yr room so both have own space tho small

you give up your room so all 3 girls have a room and you sleep in living room

when dh works /needs sleep he sleeps in one of your 2 daughters bedroom if daytime - will be at school unless weekend and obv summer holidays coming up

and full steam ahead with loft conversion if that’s the plan - granny anexe

do you need planning permission

do you have funds so can start asap when find builders

If step daughter has to have own room then there are only a few options

have you asked dsd if wants to share till another bedroom is built - or due to nature of living with you she has to be on her own ?

without knowing why she is moving and if wants to it’s hard to give advice

8&11 share a room - easier option with bunk beds for space

partition 8yr room so both have own space tho small

you give up your room so all 3 girls have a room and you sleep in living room

when dh works /needs sleep he sleeps in one of your 2 daughters bedroom if daytime - will be at school unless weekend and obv summer holidays coming up

and full steam ahead with loft conversion if that’s the plan - granny anexe

do you need planning permission

do you have funds so can start asap when find builders

Whoops. It said it didn’t post

It sounds like there are some difficult circumstances behind this move which you understandably don't want to share in detail, but are you sure that you're not over complicating this specific part of the move? If DSD and DD1 are both happy to share with one another, then isn't this the best solution? What does DSD want? Is it really necessary for her to have her own space, or do you just feel that she should have her own space, in the circumstances?

I think if its definitely very temporary then DD will need to suck it up. However, by the time she’s 13 it would be really unfair to ask her to share with a 10 year old as she will also want her own space.

a granny annexe will take a lot of time if planning etc is required, so it may be that you have to move to somewhere bigger that has enough space

Is there maybe a hobby she’s wanted to do for a while, or a special trip she could go on, that would be a bit of a consolidation for her?

Where are you with the extension? Are funds in place, plans drawn up etc? It may be quicker to move to a bigger house.

Let's be honest, it is not a matter of few months. It is at least a year. If you do not have projects, builders, permission and everything else now then it will take even longer.
I feel like you need to speak with you middle daughter and explain, nothing will bribe her, she will feel hurt and rightly so. Why she cannot share woth dsd?

If youngest has the smaller room, she should move in with middle child, eldest getting smaller room and the two younger share the bigger room.
When extension of some sort is done, both bedrooms get a lick of paint/revamp of some sort as a little “thank you for all making compromises whilst we get everything’s sorted”.

I think if you sell it to dd11 that she shares for a few months but she gets the lift/granny annex then fine. But if it’s intended dd11 shares then dsd also gets the new loft/granny annex that’s unfair

So full sisters then? And only termporarily? Seriously that's not an issue unles you allow them to make it one.

Requiring them to show some understanding and compassion for their older half sister who needs her own room at the moment is absolutely fair enough at 8 or 11. I wouldn't even make a big thing of it in terms of promising a reward - though it they cooperated and it all went well I'd be happy to do it afterwards. I just wouldn't use the bribery thing too much. It shouldn't be necessary.

We feel she should have her own space given the circumstances.

She normally is happy to share with dd but this isn’t her choice to move and she isn’t happy about it. She is going to be very upset and traumatised and even if she feels comfortable sharing with dd I don’t really want dd to witness that upset and trauma for her sake.