To give dsd DD’s bedroom?

[dontsayplease]

Teen Dsd will be moving in with us soon full time and indefinitely. I won’t go into details but there are obviously upsetting reasons for this.

Currently when shes stayed overnight (which isn’t very often) she stayed in pre teen DD’s room. I know this isn’t ideal and the long term goal was either loft conversion or ‘granny flat’ - we will be deciding and speeding up the process of this but obviously is going to take time.

She needs her own bedroom now though and the simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd, they do get on but she has said she doesn’t want to do this.
She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work for either of them.

Would we be unreasonable to tell dd she has to give up her room and share with younger sister for the next few months?

I'd trial the two oldest sharing and see how it goes.

What rooms have you got downstairs-is it possible for you to move downstairs and let the step daughter have your room?

I would find it very tough to make my child move rooms in the situation when my sleeping arrangements stayed just how I wanted them.

What is your solution then?

I mean the OP has known about the move yesterday. The dsd is moving this weekend. That’s very little time to get organised. Or to get some great ideas on how to make it work.
So why the need to attack/put the OP down?

From your first post, it appears the 11 year old doesn't want to move into the 8 year old's bedroom. Is this more because she doesn't want to lose what she sees as 'her' bedroom? Would she be more amenable to the 8 year old moving into her room? If so, DSD could have the 8 year old's room.

I agree!!

Then you make the sacrifice and give her your room. Everything that you feel about giving up your room, your daughter feels about giving up her room. But you're an adult, you can manage your emotions better, you get a choice, she doesn't, you have control, she doesn't. It is entirely unfair to expect a child to make a sacrifice you are not willing to make.

Realistically 6 months sounds like a goal.

we don’t really have the time to talk about it and decide and book in plans today and are going to need at least a week to settle dsd in and deal with her upset before we do + actually talking to her about what she thinks and wants.

@dontsayplease where has dsd slept when she has been having contact time with dad?
how much time have the girls actually spent together?

It’s only a few months. It sounds like your DSD really needs her privacy at this time. Talk with your dd, it’s temporary. She gets to stay in her own home, whereas Dsd is having to go through a big change. Honestly, it’s not a big deal having your DD share with her bio sister for a while. Lots of children share rooms.

People suggesting your DH move out with dsd and other examples are being extremely precious.

What they think is kindness is actually manipulation. They feel entitled to not being made to feel bad by children, whose feelings they see as beneath their own, so they push the rhetoric you described and put it on the children to do the hard emotional work when THEY are the adults here.

going to need at least a week to settle dsd in and deal with her upset before we do + actually talking to her about what she thinks and wants.

are you going to do the same with your own dd? Even pretending to by giving consideration to their thoughts and wants?

I don’t feel anything about giving up my room, I would be fine with that but it’s just not as simple when we have just over 24hours to decide as getting two child sisters to share a bedroom that already has the space and beds.

it would mean giving up a family room to turn into our bedroom that we currently spend more
time in as a family than the children do in their own bedrooms. + Dh works nights and sleeps in the morning, that wont be easy for him if he is sleeping downstairs.

I’ve said before. I’d give up my room and get a sofa bed / pull down bed for the living while the long term solution is found.

Sure way to make sure it’s fixed fast as well when it’s the adults putting themselves out rather than it dragging out as the children “seem” to be coping.

You say she's a teen but not her actual age? I think it does make a difference whether she is 13 or 19, and personally I'd take that into account when deciding this.

I really don't want to be negative but I did actually get an extension done. Plans, calculations, trying to find a builder that would be available (extension takes around 12 weeks so realistically is it meant to be for 6 months the builder would need to be available within next 3 months). Reality is that are booked 6-12 months in advance. You need to be realistic about your plans. Maybe don't give a timeline, just explain that you will let dd know as soon as you know.

She is 14

Oh get a grip. It’s an 11 year old sharing a room with her 8 year old biological sister after an unexpected emergency type situation. Life lesson- sometimes we make sacrifices to support the ones we love, sometimes things aren’t “fair”, and sometimes not everything is about ourselves. After 6 months or so she gets her room back.

OP and her DH are obviously going to need their room more than an 11 year old given the stressful situation.

I grew up with people who had to share rooms with two of their siblings and I find the drama around this so unbelievably privileged.

Is the family room your only room like this, or do you have a family room/sitting room/dining room?

This ⬆️
My neighbours' one took two years.

The family room can still be a family room outside of bedtime. That’s why you get a pull down bed or a sofa bed.

Clothes can still stay in the bedroom upstairs.

@dontsayplease where does dsd sleep when she usually stays over?

If money isn’t the issue more time.

A fully kitted out with electric garden room can be dropped over a fence or even craned over a house pretty bloody fast creating a whole new family room.

I think the girls are old enough to work out a solution for themselves. I'd try whatever they come up with first and see how it goes.

The middle child is the issue not the 8 year old. She must be 11.

If the shared room is big enough I'd be building a divider wall with Ikea Kallax units to create own space for both of the girls who are sharing. Needs must.