To give dsd DD’s bedroom?

[dontsayplease]

Teen Dsd will be moving in with us soon full time and indefinitely. I won’t go into details but there are obviously upsetting reasons for this.

Currently when shes stayed overnight (which isn’t very often) she stayed in pre teen DD’s room. I know this isn’t ideal and the long term goal was either loft conversion or ‘granny flat’ - we will be deciding and speeding up the process of this but obviously is going to take time.

She needs her own bedroom now though and the simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd, they do get on but she has said she doesn’t want to do this.
She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work for either of them.

Would we be unreasonable to tell dd she has to give up her room and share with younger sister for the next few months?

I get that children don’t need their own rooms

except that this is a lot of traumatic change and I would bend over backwards to make it as easy as possible for the children and that is them having their own space

This, that the younger 2 are also allowed to have feelings and opinions of things as well has to be recognised and now just blackmailed by with “you aren’t allowed to not be happy, you still live with your life parents!”

I know, it's a hard one. I don't think it's a problem for children to share, but this is an exceptional circumstance.

'I hate to be one of the 'it didn't do me any harm' generation but this idea that a bedroom each is essential for a child is a bit mad'

It is the context here though. Yes many shared but it's the fact their half sib is moving in and will be taking their bedroom that is the issue.

It sounds like the 14 year old has been through a tough time if she’s having to leave her mums and move in with you full time. Given that information and the fact she’s the eldest and a teenager I think she deserves her own space.

Middle child just needs to suck it up and be selfless for a little bit and move in with younger sis. Tell her it won’t be forever, sweeten the deal with a treat and remind her that she’s doing a really nice thing for her older sis by doing this.

I don’t believe that all children need their own rooms. Two of mine do share a divided room. However they grew up with that situation.

It wasn’t suddenly dropped on a 11 or 8 year old that they now suddenly had to share. They shared from 5 and 1.

Knew each other and lived together from birth.

Not someone who stayed over sometimes suddenly moving in and kicking them out of their bedroom.

That’s a recipe for resentment and arguments.

And that’s without the trauma side of whatever has happened to the step daughter and how she’s going to behave and act due to that.

We only found out yesterday that she will be moving in and she will be at the weekend. Wasn’t a situation we expected and we don’t have a lot of time to get things sorted before she arrives.

it’s going to be difficult for everyone but most difficult for dsd. She will be moving across the country leaving her mum, school and friends in difficult circumstances.

I don’t want it to sound like I’m not considering DD’s feelings or the impact on her but I am very suddenly being forced to prioritise dsd.

Why can't you give up your room and get a sofa bed?

Being forced to prioritise dsd doesn’t mean trampling all over dds feelings either unless you want the girls to end up hating each other.

C pi old you not try her way in case it actually works? The two sharing doesn’t sound bad to me!

You sound really kind and like a great mum.

The change will probably be a bit hard for everyone. I’m sure your DDs will get used to it, can you taken them for an ikea trip or something to get things for their new shared room?

And if it isn’t all great then it’s temporary. I think you’re doing the right thing in making sure DSD has her own room, it’s probably best for all involved including your DD even if she doesn’t really understand that.

There’s really a lot of dismissive nastiness on the thread for the 11 yo isn’t there? She’s
-sulking
needs to “suck it up”
learn compassion
posters clamouring to show how “kind” they are, and while being awful about a child who is also going to have many changes, but hey it’s mnet and she’s a child from 2nd family so posters will delight in sneering at her.

Ah, the poor girl. Sounds very difficult and I understand your dilemma.

How about you move DD1 in with DD2 initially, and let all the girls know that you will reassess after a month once the dust has settled? Realistically it will be closer to a year before you have created a fourth bedroom, and it sounds like DSD and DD1 sharing DD1's current room may be better in the medium term, while you are getting the work done.

And the words temporary. How temporary.

A week or two is temporary like a holiday. A month or two is temporary.

6 months if ages for a unhappy child.

Depending how big the loft conversion is likely to be, I’d consider making that your room and keeping all three DDs in the original bedrooms, so that no one of them gets the perceived special treatment of a brand new bedroom, IF that is likely to be an issue. Regardless, I’d let DD11 choose which room she wants first, as reward for having shared.

Might it be possible for the girls sharing to also use your bedroom occasionally? E.g. DD8 has a friend over to play but DD11 wants to read and chill, so she gets to use your room.

No I wouldn’t make DD move. I would sleep downstairs until additional space was available.

DSD needs her own room and that is that - at 11 your daughter should be able to understand that no one is doing this to be horrible, its just a circumstance that means someone has to compromise and unfortunately that is your DD.

As is life.

I don't think you should worry about this making her resent her older sister - presumably she knows the circumstances that led to this are not nice?

It's not forever, and she is doing a nice thing for her sister. And in return, when the loft room is finished she will get something nice. Maybe take her out for a shopping trip where she can get some new bedding / something to put in her sisters room thats hers as a thank you this weekend.

Loft conversions take ages. Planning permission, surveys, builders quotes, then all the work starts and always takes ages. It's not a quick solution.

So dd1 gets lumped with dd2 for possibly years really. While dsd has thrown her out of her bedroom.

Thats going to be a fun house and it’s all started all crammed in just as the summer holidays start.

Poor girls all of them.

Though what would you have done if you had a dd and ds. Would you still lump the 11 and 8 year old together..

Probably not you’d find another solution.

In an ideal world all children might have their own bedroom (though I'm not personally convinced that small children should sleep alone ever) but never, ever at the expense of civilized collective family spaces.

Yes. It's not a great situation for anyone. There's a traumatised teenage girl, and two others who will be seriously impacted
It's going to be tough parenting that.

Sounds like you are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances OP. Agree sounds like DSD needs her own space.

Perhaps DD (11) can get something nice for her new (shared) room, or the divider could go in that room? Look up dividing rooms on pinterest etc, lots of good ideas.

You need buy in from your oldest.

How you secure that is another matter....

I'd be looking at
Great bunk beds / a redecorate and or particitioning in youngests room.

• First pick of bedrooms when attic extension is done

-rotating rooms annually

Something....

I don't have anything to add that someone else has said but I just want to say you sound like a lovely caring step mum.