To give dsd DD’s bedroom?

[dontsayplease]

Teen Dsd will be moving in with us soon full time and indefinitely. I won’t go into details but there are obviously upsetting reasons for this.

Currently when shes stayed overnight (which isn’t very often) she stayed in pre teen DD’s room. I know this isn’t ideal and the long term goal was either loft conversion or ‘granny flat’ - we will be deciding and speeding up the process of this but obviously is going to take time.

She needs her own bedroom now though and the simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd, they do get on but she has said she doesn’t want to do this.
She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work for either of them.

Would we be unreasonable to tell dd she has to give up her room and share with younger sister for the next few months?

DSD gets the smallest bedroom to herself. The other two get the room that can be most easily temporarily divided somehow to maximise privacy.

As someone who didn’t have this type of stepmum, you are being a really lovely one and I just wanted to tell you we see it.

I’m sure based on the emotional intelligence and good parenting you’re demonstrating in this thread, your elder daughter will be someone who can understand this even if they don’t love the idea, and for sure the sweetener of a new bedroom would have done it for me.
Good luck with it all

I think I agree with all your reasoning OP.

DD isn't the one having the major upheaval so this can be her little concession to supporting her older half-sister.

Lots of sisters share rooms, and she will be sharing anyway, whether it is with the older or younger sister. To that end, I would point out that your youngest is also making a concession and moving to a shared room, so she isn't alone in that.

I would offer a small room upgrade as compensation - the two younger ones could go shopping for new duvets or similar? New Jellycat plush each to sit on the beds?

This.

You still haven’t explained why DD11 has to move into the younger daughters room instead of moving the younger daughter in with her and giving DSD the younger girls room. This feels like it would honour your DSDs need for space but feel less upsetting to DD11. The 8 year old probably happier to move in with her big sister.

Yes, I would echo this OP.

Lots of posters say MN is just "down" on SMs, but posters only get down when they deserve it - which, sadly, they so often do. You sound fabulous - and a supportive SM is a wonderful thing to have, especially as it sounds as though she really needs you right now.

These needs to be fair you need to take into account your 11 year old daughters needs too.

Let the two younger girls share the room with the bathroom. At least your DD won’t be giving up everything. SD is room by herself.

So you're turfing your 11yo out of her bigger room with private bathroom so she can share with her 8yo younger sister in a smaller space?

The two girls sharing need the bigger bedroom. 8yo moves in with 11yo, 14 yo gets the smallest room to herself.

At risk of derailing the thread, she was an energy key turned into human form by some supernatural monks who turned her into Buffy's sister for safekeeping and fiddled everyone's memories.

Does your dd know why dsd is moving in (age appropriate) and would she understand that compassion is needed. It does sound like dd1 is up for sharing just to needs to be with her younger sister not more “exciting” teen half sister. I would probably start with getting the younger two to share with a carrot of dd1 getting the loft room perhaps, for her sacrifice, s she’ll be in the house longer than an already teen girl

but the sharing two need the bigger room

The two children sharing should have the bigger of the two rooms which I think is the one with the bathroom. It sounds to me like the youngest child should move bedrooms and move in with her older sibling and then sort out the other room for your dad as she moves in. I think this would mean your 11 year gets to stay in "her" room just having to share it with someone less exciting that her teenage sister.

So moving your 11 year old from having her own room and bathroom to sharing with her 8 year old sister..
I would agree with you OP if this was 6 -12 weeks but it’s more likely to be 6-12+ months. so I would find a strong divider (I think someone posted a suggestion here).

You really need to meet in the middle.

I think if you can’t use lounge then they need to carry on as normal, with DSD in with middle DD until loft converted.

The two sharing get the bigger room with bathroom I agree if people have to share.

Don’t take everything away from your 11 year old bless her.

love, you don't need to be justifying yourself to people on the Internet. Your poor DSD
is the one going through the dreadful situation with her Mum and leaving her all her friends her school and everything she knows. It's a hard enough age without that. She definitely needs the space to herself at least initially. That bedroom is currently what she knows at your house & she deserves that tiny bit of familiarity.

I can understand your 11 year-old wanting to share with her older sister and not her younger sister, but she just needs to be told quite firmly it is not about her. In time this might be possible or in time she might get her room back to herself but right now her big sister is the one having to leave her Mum leave her School leave her friends and she needs a bit of space to call her own. End of..

I think if you force the 11 year old to give up her room then you risk her relationship with her half sister being strained.

I think it would be ok to explain to her that you are not sure what is best, give her the dilemma - as much information as is developmentally appropriate and let her know it would be a sacrifice to make while you extend the house. What would help her to feel better about it? What if you upped her allowance as ‘rent’ or offered her a monthly reward for making such a generous sacrifice (and it would be very generous.

I would favour the adults taking the hit though if possible.

@dontsayplease I'd do this. Put off making any long-term decisions right now. Move DD11 in with her sister for a couple of weeks and then reassess.

It may even be that DSD would prefer to share if that's how it's always been and she's feeling lonely being away from her Mum/friends etc. she might appreciate a roommate if they get on well, which it sounds like they do.

Give yourself time to make a more permanent plan, don't try and do that now when it sounds like things are very much in flux.

I would sit down with your DD11 and explain in an age appropriate way why DSD is moving in now and why she needs privacy, compassion and her own room for the time being.

I would then give your DD the choice so it feels like she has some control.

Option A) She gives up her room and moves into the smaller room with Dd8

Option B) Dd8 moves into DD11's room. Dsd then has the smaller room

You can then review the new arrangements at the end of the Summer holidays. If Dsd is coping and feels able to share then maybe you can consider a trial period of DD11 and DSD sharing the bigger room. But I think you need to make this clear that for now, DSD needs her room and your girls will have to make some sacrifices for the time being.

Good luck - I hope it all works out

It sounds like your dd is happy to share as long as she remains in her current bedroom. Move the 8 year old in with the 11 year old. Move the step sister into the 8 year old’s bedroom.

The suggestions of you and your DH sleeping in the front room are silly. It’s fine for sisters to share.

OP over 60% of posters who voted think you are unreasonable. You do sound a good step mum, but as a parent to your biological child I think you are making a mistake.

She is 11, is she changing schools? She will also he hormonal. Where does your husband think. I hope you are not doing this to please him.

I can honestly say I would put my child's feelings first. Also this could cause resentment as the 11 year old will feel she is not being listened to.

Do what's best for your child.

It doesn't seem reasonable the 11 year old loses a bathroom as well as her bedroom if it is the larger room.
If she has to share then letting her keep her room and the en-suite and moving her little sister in seems the best of a bad situation.
The older girl then gets her own room so she has some privacy as well.

So your DD’s current bedroom has an en-suite and you want her 11 yo DD to give up not only her bedroom but her entire-suite, while she has indicated sheds happy to share with her step-sister.

Given you are determined that your SD has her own room, to try to make things fair - give your younger daughter’s bedroom to your SD and let both your own daughters share the bedroom with the en-suite.

Whilst it might feel initially like more work, I think I would move the 8 year old into her 11 year old sister’s room which allows the 11 year old to feel like she’s not moving “down” rather that the 8 year old is moving “up” and the 11 year old keeps the bathroom she’s been used to. I know that means moving 14 Year old’s things into 8 year olds, but she will at least then have her own room which is what you feel she needs and 11 year old isn’t also being moved out of her room.