To give dsd DD’s bedroom?

[dontsayplease]

Teen Dsd will be moving in with us soon full time and indefinitely. I won’t go into details but there are obviously upsetting reasons for this.

Currently when shes stayed overnight (which isn’t very often) she stayed in pre teen DD’s room. I know this isn’t ideal and the long term goal was either loft conversion or ‘granny flat’ - we will be deciding and speeding up the process of this but obviously is going to take time.

She needs her own bedroom now though and the simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd, they do get on but she has said she doesn’t want to do this.
She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work for either of them.

Would we be unreasonable to tell dd she has to give up her room and share with younger sister for the next few months?

She has shared with dd, always been fine and they get on well.

if the circumstances were dsd choosing to move in then they would share which dd wants but that’s not the situation.

i would rather dd share with 9 year old sister than 14 year old dsd right now more for her benefit than my stepdaughters. This could be very temporary though, it’s possible once dsd has settled and we’ve talked things through if she’s coping well then they could share while extra bedroom is being sorted.

Oooh! that’s clever!!
Is this a common thing, I’ve never seen this before?

I was the daughter who moved in with her sister at a similar age for similar reasons.

I was fine. It wouldn’t have been my first choice but I didn’t feel pushed out.

To this day, many many many years later, I feel good about the fact that we were able to take my step-brother in when things were awful for him.

I also have a much better relationship with him than I would otherwise, because of the two years we lived under the same roof.

With the summer break coming up it would be really, really difficult for DSD having all these changes by moving then having no privacy 24 hrs 7 days a week by sharing a room. What others have said-speed up your plans for loft conversion, that’s more realistic for planning than an annexe. If you start now with planning, party wall agreements etc you could well be done within 12 months. Perfect timings for probably then tween daughter to decorate etc have her space. None of this is unreasonable. When I was 11 I had to share a room with my 8 year old brother for 18months whilst we had an extension built, we both had those bunk beds with the desks and drawers underneath and would just throw things at each other from opposing sides of the room. I definitely don’t look back on it negatively. It felt like a very short space of time. Children are resilient.

It makes sense for the youngest two to share. Of course DD won’t like it, but sometimes in life we have to put other people first. This is an important character-building moment for your DD. Help her to understand the situation that DSD is in, and feel empathy for her. Remind her that this is a temporary arrangement.
I definitely think the needs of DSD, as the one going through the upheaval and distressing circumstances, should be prioritised at this point, and your DD needs help to reach a place of understanding where she is willing to make a temporary compromise.

Think I agree with you DSD is going to need her own room but If there's a way for you and your DH to give up your bedroom for DSD I'd do that, suck up the inconvenience of whatever temp arrangement you need to sleep downstairs then take the loft conversion for yourselves once its done.

An 11 and an 8 year old who aren't used to sharing a room are likely to be arguing very frequently if forced at this point and there's going to be a load of resentment from the 11 year old about being forced out of her room that isn't going to help the family dynamic at all. Depending on personalities damage might be done by the time you can get an extra room sorted.

If you really have to make them share then prioritise a divider/some way of giving them privacy, and they get whichever room is largest. Have some way to sweeten the deal for the 11 year old that isn't just saying she can have her room back when you get round to the extension. Its way too far in the future. She's allowed to feel like she's getting the short end of the stick, because she is! Sometimes in life that's what happens because its the least worst option overall but she doesn't have to be happy about it. That applies to the 8 year old as well as she may find the reality different to what she's expecting even if she's not bothered now.

Catching up on updates yes I think you're doing the right thing.

With DD11 I would maybe say look we're going to do this now, I know it's really tough on you and it's not what you'd choose but you need to trust us on this ok? Let things settle down and we will talk again about the bedrooms in x months.

I don't think it's helpful to look at it as prioritising DSD. It's completely reasonable that DD11 should have to share with her blood sibling rather than her step siblings, and that the younger two share rather than a child going into Y10. Sometimes the middle child gets the choice of who to share with but more often not, I would think. But it is so much tougher on her having to give up her actual bedroom and at barely any notice. She's seeking control because she hates this sudden lack of control & power, understandably.

Can I just say you sound like a lovely step mim and wish you all the best in a difficult situation

11 will be just coming into puberty and all that entails. 11 goes much better with 14 than it does with 8. Just leave it for the moment as is and consider reviewing in a month

If 8 year old sister isn’t that bothered, could the compromise be that she moves into DD 11s bedroom with her, and DSD gets DD8’s room?
Then while DD11 still has to share, she can at least stay in the same room? DD8 might be excited to move in with her older sis?

Wholeheartedly agree and wish you all the best, OP.

So if dd11 room set up for 2, why not dd8 move n with her?
and if its the usual thing that dsd and dd11 share then her thinking that would continue is reasonable, so would have been good to be in op, but then all those keen to call her selfish etc wouldn’t have had that fuel!

I don’t think dd(11)’s upset necessarily comes from giving up her room or just from sharing and not having privacy. She was immediately happy to share with dsd but the idea of sharing with younger sister is downgrading and having to share with a ‘baby’

we could have two in either of the girls rooms but dd(11)’s room has a bathroom and it’s the room dsd is used to sleeping in with a few of her things and so is just immediately more suited for a 14 year old who’s had a very traumatic week and whose whole life is being turned upside down( I know DD’s is slightly too but she will be fine and safe whatever room she’s in)

Some of here seem to have a particlar resentment towards step-children!

While in an ideal world, everyone would have their own room, it seems far more reasonable to give the 14 year old her own. She's going through a massive shift, alongside schoolwork getting more serious. Although they will both be technically teenagers in secondary school soon, the gulf between 12 and 15 is greater that 9 and 12.

How frequently was DSD staying over? Sharing a room for a weekend or a couple weeks in the holidays is very different to 24/7. It might come as a bit of a shock to DD11 that she isn't too keen to hang out and chat all the time.

If DSD had always lived there, chances are she'd have her own room and the youngest would share. Also, sharing a room won't hurt anyone, I definetly wouldn't have the eight year old in with me - that seems mad!

I'd have the youngest two share the bigger room, explaining to DD11 that you need her to be mature and supportive of DSD, and get the ball rolling on a conversion ASAP.

Your dd needs her own bedroom just as much as your step daughter!

It was in my OP.

‘Currently when she’s stayed overnight she stays in pre teen DD’s room’

’simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd… she’s doesn’t what to do this. She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work’

I can't see the point of this post. You seem determined to take away your 11 year olds bedroom. As your mind is made up, why bother asking opinions? I think it is dreadful to ask your DD to give up her room and share with an 8 year old, but as you are hell bent on it, there really isn't any point in asking on here.

Same sex children don't need separate rooms as an absolute. I shared with my sisters for years. Most families I knew had 3-bedroom houses with "the boys' room" and "the girls' room", for however many of each there were. Nobody died, or even felt hard done-by.

@dontsayplease has explained that DSD is going through a traumatic and unexpected unheaval, and has even explained that she doesn't want her DD to have to be exposed to DSD's likely upset, so she's protecting both by giving DSD extra privacy.

That 11-y-o DD doesn't realise that and wants to share with big sis is not the be all and end all of the situation. The adults can foresee potential issues that she cannot, and can reach decisions accordingly.

Ah so she loses her private bathroom as well as sharing with the “baby” in her eyes. Very nice.

I am on the side of your 11 year old daughter. It's her bedroom and I think it's disgraceful you are turfing her out. She is 11 and may be starting secondary next year. This is a big change.

I would never ever put my step daughters needs above my own child's. She said she does not want to move bedrooms don't make her.If you do She could remember this and resent you.

My kids come first to me.

With respect, the suggestions that the parents move downstairs are ridiculous, unless there's a completely separate dining room or something. Living space is SO much more important than sleeping space. 3 girls having to tiptoe around all morning because their dad works nights and is asleep on the sofa is way worse than 2 of them having to share.

Op have you spoken to dsd about what she wants given the circumstances? I think it makes sense for your two girls to share for the summer while she settles in, I'd reassess in September. I'd move DD (8) in with DD (11) though and give DSD the slightly less premium, non ensuite room. Might make DD (11) feel a bit less put out.

Tbh if both rooms have 2 beds you might find the girls find their own preferred setup by the end of the summer anyway.

This, and she has to be pleased about doing or she’s “sulking”….
is there only one room and a kitchen downstairs?
no home Office, no dining room, living room and the family room is separate?

Same. Regardless of what she says there is no way in hell that an 11 year old won't be upset about having her bedroom taken off her and given to someone else. That doesn't make her bad or selfish or uncaring about what DSD is going through.

You and DH move into a downstairs room like others have suggested. If the girls all have their own rooms you can have a no downstairs policy at a certain time if he needs to go to bed early for an early wake up. You'll have far more incentive to get rolling with the conversions necessary if you're being inconvenienced too.

Not helpful to the OP but I have never understood where Dawn came from!

I agree that the stepchild should have her own room. She is a teenager and has obviously gone through some trauma and needs her own room.
Can you explain this to your other 2 daughters and give them the bigger room telling them they can decorate it and have their own space in the bigger room. Also tell them it will only be temporary because you are extending the house to make another bedroom

Step daughter is OP's husband's child, not a random kid off the street.

My children come first makes sense when saving them from a burning building, not a blended family.