To give dsd DD’s bedroom?

[dontsayplease]

Teen Dsd will be moving in with us soon full time and indefinitely. I won’t go into details but there are obviously upsetting reasons for this.

Currently when shes stayed overnight (which isn’t very often) she stayed in pre teen DD’s room. I know this isn’t ideal and the long term goal was either loft conversion or ‘granny flat’ - we will be deciding and speeding up the process of this but obviously is going to take time.

She needs her own bedroom now though and the simplest option seems to be to put preteen dd in with younger dd, they do get on but she has said she doesn’t want to do this.
She would rather let dsd move in with her but I don’t think this will work for either of them.

Would we be unreasonable to tell dd she has to give up her room and share with younger sister for the next few months?

If you are moving an 11 yr old who has always had their own room, I think that would build resentment of both you and her sister. Speaking from experience.

Its all well and good saying you are the parents you get to decide but you do need to think of the consequences of taking a room from one child to give to another.

not saying their is an easy answer but I’d soon give up my room than take one from my daughter.

You are so right!

Impossible to say with out the actual ages.

Now we know the ages it is a little easier to respond. These children are all old enough to understand that life can deal someone an unfortunate hand and compromises and allowance need to made to accommodate everyone. Sometimes we don’t always get exactly what we want straight away.

Talk to the two younger ones, explain the situation and ask them to try to understand the current situation and moving rooms isn’t going to be permanent…..just until a permanent resolution is complete.

Get them involved in setting up the room for the two youngest so each have their own space, storage etc which should make them feel valued and important. Reassurance that it’s a temporary measure will help and point out that actually, they probably only really sleep in their bedrooms surely?

I hope things turn out well and things settle down 💐

I think you need to communicate it to you dd in appropriate way for her to understand the motivation. As someone else said she will feel resentment, sense of loss and yes it maybe better for her not to witness the emotions that 14 year old has but ultimately you need to try to explain that it is very difficult time.

If your DD is prepared to share with dsd in her room, can you move the youngest DD into DD room to share there, and give dad the youngest dd's room?

Your DD has said she would rather DSD shares her room than she shares with her younger sibling. I think that’s an answer tbh. You say your DSD needs a room of her own, but does she really? Unless there are complex medical needs involved surely a teen can share? It was common until quite recently for people to share rooms. If your DD is welcoming her SS to share and doesn’t want to move I would listen to her. There is not a problem here unless you make one.

11 year old will think she's closer in age to 13 year old so its "fun" to share, she will see sharing with 8 as being babiedwhrn she could be habibg fun with her cool older sister. Thats probably her main focus rather than the concept of sharing. You said she really lovers her older sister.

Is it just 11 year old thats having to "suck it up" and make sacrifices? You said 8 year old doesn't care about any of it so it's not affecting her. Expecting a child to behave like an adult and take the L is oddly diminishing of that child - shes a child and should be treated as kindly as her older and younger sister. A living room can be made into a bedroom, kitchen can become the main gathering area. Or a partition in the 8 year olds room so 11 is still in her own space.

Or ask her if she is prepared to share with 8 for X time whilst you build the extra needed space. Set out the options and choose with her? If she has to make the sacrifice let her at least choose from whatever options there are? And personally I would reward her for making a really mature decision despite her young age and being a child. You can literally reward all of them for working hard and getting through stuff together and individually.

I agree with this.

I would avoid a scenario where you are telling the 11 year old, ‘you have to lose your room and share with your sibling even though you don’t want to, because we’re letting your older sister have it. Then, when we build a lovely new room, she will be getting that as well.’

I would be conscious that you/DH won’t have to make any changes to your bedroom arrangements as well.

I know it’s clear there’s been something terrible that’s happened but you still need to tread carefully and make sure the other girls don’t feel pushed out.

8, 11 and 14.

we are thinking of putting 11 year old dd in with 8 year old dd (full sisters) so 14 year old dsd has her own room.

Could you “sweeten” the deal for your eldest DD by saying she will get the new bedroom in the loft conversion/extension once it’s done? Might help her feel like she’s not just losing out in this situation.

If a loft conversion falls within permitted development you don't need PP and a good company with great reviews may be able to do it fast.

There are also companies that will install properly serviced pre-fab 'Granny Pods' that don't need PP and can be installed within 5 days, IF Dsd is old enough / would feel secure enough in a garden room?

This is a good idea. You also need to make this an absolute priority and put a timeline on it. Not 'something that will happen' in the future/when you have time/when you can afford it. ASAP. And give her a date.

Is DD upset about losing ‘her’ bedroom? Could you move your youngest into her room in that case so she’s not losing her room and move DSD into your younger child’s room?

Move them all so everyone has a change, divide the biggest room with either a partition wall or Ikea hacks and put sdd in the small room. Make it feel like you’re all one family and working together.

Try and make it fun, take them out as a three to pick bits for the new set up.

I would very much veer away from one child making a sacrifice now for a reward later, you need to make them feel like there is give and take from all three of them, so they are all losing a little and gaining something together.

She may have to get her head around it, but she doesn't have to get her head around it. She's allowed to be upset and angry about the decision and it's OP who will have to get her head around that.

Oh yes, as above I would give the new conversion or room to you daughter when its done, if you do move her in with her younger sister.
I dont think it would be fair she has to move rooms for DSD and then DSD gets the new room too.

@dontsayplease Could you put up a floor plan so people can think about available space?
would a double bunk bed (single on top) work to have the youngest in with you?
I agree that offering DD11 the new build bedroom if she shares with DD8 is a good option.

Sorry, but too many adults do this thing where they try to manipulate their children into not making them feel guilty about their decisions, rather than just accepting their children have a right to feel some way about them.

Maybe the circumstances call for this room change and you need to make that choice. But at least just let your daughter be mad about it if she wants to. You can explain the reasons, and maybe she will have empathy, but she may also understandably feel her needs are being deprioritised for the sake of someone else. It's on you to prove that wrong by sticking to your deadline for the temporary change and meeting her needs for personal space in other ways.

Sometimes as parents we need to just suck it up and be the villain in our children's narratives. Empathy from them comes when we model it and earn their trust.

Could you propose to all of the girls that there will be a "rota" so your DDs are both sharing now but each will also get a turn at having their own room in future - say every 2 years you change things up? Reality is hopefully you've done a loft conversion by then!

Can you perhaps let older DD have an area elsewhere in the house that is just hers? Maybe a nice desk area ready for high school homework, or a reading corner if shes into that?

I assume you will be preparing for this as best you can, but whilst I agree that DSD should have her own private space if theres grief/trauma to process, it is still likely going to have a big impact on your own daughters so whatever you can do to make the adjustment as easy for everyone and allow everyone space to share their feelings will hopefully help everyone through the difficult time.

Also wanted to say you sound really caring, glad your DSD has a kind stepmum to help her through whatever is happening

Have you actually asked eldest? Maybe she'd rather have company.

I'd give her your room if she wants her own room. It'll keep you focused on doing the loft conversion for starters and it won't cause any further upset in your home. Not fair for elderly to be moving in and her siblings already be pissed at her being there. You say middle child will just have to suck it up and sacrifice but why should she sacrifice instead of you?

DSD definitely needs her own space, it’s unfortunate for DD but that is the only option. She’s been through something traumatic and is moving into a new home so I think i she absolutely needs to be given her own space

Older DD goes in with her younger sister temporarily, treat them to some new bedding bits etc. Lots of praise and positive attention, take older DD shopping with you for more grown up bits for her room, have lunch, get her onside with need to support SD through this period.

Older DD gets the loft conversion (if she wants it) when completed as she had the inconvenience.

I would have DH and I move to the living room, with him transferring to an empty bed when the house is up (did I see he works nights?)

Reasoning being, this is an upheaval for everyone regardless of how well they get on. You may find that the 'getting on' stops if resentment builds in, so I would try to mitigate that. The adults should be the ones to make the sacrifice at least initially.

I would explain to the girls that we will have the living room to give DSD space, this is likely to be temporary and revisit the arrangements a month or so after she's moved in.

If your two DD’s are to share then they need the biggest bedroom. Your step daughter can have the smallest room. I’d also prioritise decorating your daughters’ bedroom as a reward for having to share.