DS attacked another child at soft play unprovoked - AIBU to think we’ve reached crisis point now?

[donyak]

I dont even know where to start but I took my youngest to soft play today, my older boys were at school and I thought it would be nice to have an hour just me and him but we ended up leaving after 20 minutes because he attacked a little boy

When I say attacked I don’t mean a squabble over a toy. He barged him over and then climbed on top of him and was hitting him before I got there. The other little boy was crying and his mum was understandably furious with me. She kept saying “get him off” as though I wasn’t already trying, I apologised over and over and did offer to pay for a new drink for the little boy as it had done everywhere but they weren’t interested. Another parent was saying I shouldn’t bring a child like that to soft play

He’s only just turned 3 but everyone thinks he’s older because he’s so tall, he’s built like a 5 year old so people expect him to behave like one too which doesn’t help as mentally he’s still only 3. But when he loses it he’s so strong it isn’t just a tantrum where you can pick him up and take him away. He kicks, headbutts and lashes out

I’ve tried all the obvious things. I don’t smack or shout all the time. He has routines, he sleeps fairly well most nights but usually in with me. He eats alright apart from vegetables. I’ve read books, watched videos, spoke to nursery when he was there, spoken to health visitor, tried reward charts which did nothing.

His nursery asked him to leave about 6 weeks ago. They said they couldn’t keep everyone safe anymore and they didn’t have enough staff to give him the support he needed. There had been biting, pushing and one incident where he threw a wooden block . They said they were sorry but thought another setting would be better suited

I can’t find anywhere else it’s either full or has waiting lists. A couple have asked why he’s left his previous nursery and when I’m honest I hear nothing back. It’s meant I can’t work as there’s no one to have him. Their mum died 2 years ago

And I’m trying to keep things normal for them but every month something goes wrong. there’s no family that could help, my parents are gone and my wife’s parents live hours away and aren’t well enough to have an energetic 3 year old

I’ve spoken to the GP, we’ve been referred for assessments and everyone agrees he needs looking at but there’s waiting lists and I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else or himself which didn’t work today

People assume because he’s badly behaved I’m useless and maybe I am I don’t know anymore. I’m exhausted all the time and always watching him and then feel guilty as the older boys need my attention too

Today at soft play he was laughing and climbing like any other child and then another boy ran past him and he just launched himself at him.

Afterwards he cried and cuddled into me whilst I was carrying him out and he kept asking if I was cross and I said yes I was.

I just sat there thinking is this it now? Do I just stop taking him places because it isn’t fair on other children? But then it’s not fair on his brothers to not go anywhere as it’s nearly the summer holidays and how does he ever learn?

Maybe grief has affected him more than I realised because he was young so he didn’t really understand compared to my older boys. Maybe I’ve made mistakes or been too soft or maybe I’ve been too strict because I’m worried about his behaviour

I just feel completely stuck

They actually can counsel the child as well.

Definitely do a parental request for an EHCP. Contact your local SENDIAS for help and have a read of the IPSEA and SOSSEN websites. SOSSEN have a helpline as well. Then at least you can get him back into nursery or a suitable school if it takes that long to sort.
I would also contact your health visitor as well.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you’re doing your best in very difficult circumstances.

I haven't RTFT, so apologies if this has been mentioned before, but toddlers with autism (especially boys) are statistically more likely to be noticeably taller and bigger than their peers.

If your 3 year old DS is as big as his 5 year old brother, then this might be something to bear in mind.

No mention of consequences for poor behavior. Maybe think about what may work if taken away, or some other method of teaching your son that hurting others is not acceptable so therefore......Whatever may work

@donyak No practical advice to offer on top of what others have said. Just wanted to say hang in there. It sounds like a really challenging situation and you and your boys have been through so much. When you want to do the right thing and feel things aren’t working, it’s natural to feel hopeless but what I hear is a really good dad doing his best.

If you can, channel all your energy into getting as much support as you can from all and any appropriate sources. Knowing the state of support for older children, though not so much for younger, you may have to push and insist in some quarters that you need help.

Do you have a support network of any friends or other local parents? I know it can be hard if your child shows challenging behaviours but I mean more for you to lean on and open up to.

Keep going. It will be ok.

Firstly im so sorry for your loss. It probably is grief as to why he’s acting up. My sister was in a coma for a while when my nephew was 1 and his behaviour went wild for abit. It’s completely understandable. Would a forest school be suitable for him? He’d be outside and can run around more freely. I’d ask the dr/ hv for some sort of counselling for him as well

What consequences would you think acceptable for a little boy who lost his mother who carried him for nine months when he was only tiny and pre-verbal? What consequences would you think acceptable for a grieving father to mete out when he is trying to keep his bereaved family together and not further disrupt any attachments ? Are we talking, like, a few lashes of the belt, a session of public humiliation in the village stocks or a removal of all kindnesses? Because that will learn him. At three.

I'm so sorry for your loss and your situation sounds really difficult. I have a four year old who became very aggressive and volatile around 2 yrs. He's better now but still occasionally lashes out. We had to cut preschool right down to two hours at a time because he and the staff couldn't manage longer sessions. I still took him out and about but I would stick to him like glue. There seemed to be certain signs in his behaviour and face that he was going to lash out so I would pre-empt this and pick him up (usually screaming and thrashing) and take him away from the situation. If he did hurt somebody we would leave straight away. Ours wasn't trauma based though so as others have suggested, would some trauma play therapy be an idea?

I wonder if child bereavement uk might be able to help with some support?

Definitely this.

My ds1 was quite like this. Always very tall for his age (almost 5 but in 7-8 clothes).

Ds2 (2) will happily play with other children at playgroup. Ds1 at the same age would lash out as soon as another child came near a toy he was playing with. Many a time, I had to cart him off home and would have to hover over him.

When he had just turned 2, an older child at soft play pushed him and he flung the kid into a table 😩.

Now at 4, he’s calmed down completely. I received his end of year reception report yesterday and was so proud of him. Never tantrums, very empathetic and calm.

From what I’ve experienced and observed, taller boy toddlers do seem to be quite highly strung. Maybe because they sense they’re bigger and stronger than their peers.

Compared to my youngest son who is of normal size, I had to be much stricter. Instant consequences for any lashing out and a firm no.

That's what play therapy is for.

I'm sorry, OP, that's really rough and you've been through so much. Even if your son didn't understand, he's also been through a tremendous loss and the grief of everyone around him afterwards. I don't have any advice to add to what is already given but wanted to reiterate that this isn't your fault and doesn't mean your son will always have problems with this sort of thing.

Have you tried a school nursery?

This sounds incredibly difficult, and I don't think this is simply about "naughty behaviour." A child who is repeatedly aggressive without an obvious trigger, has been asked to leave nursery because they can't keep others safe, and already has referrals in place needs assessment and specialist support, not blame.

That said, while you're waiting for that support, I do think you have to be realistic about putting him in environments like soft play where he can seriously hurt another child. That's not a punishment for him—it's about keeping everyone safe. You could look at quieter parks, enclosed outdoor spaces, or activities with much closer supervision instead.

Please also go back to your GP and health visitor and make it clear that his behaviour is escalating and that he's been excluded from nursery. Ask whether the referral can be expedited and whether there are any local early years or behavioural support services that can help while you're waiting.

You're clearly not ignoring the problem, and the fact you're worried tells me you're trying. But this has reached the point where he needs professional input as soon as possible, because it's not fair on him, on you, or on the other children he's coming into contact with.

It's a really difficult situation, but you can't impose him on others as it isn't safe to do so- you know this really as he has been kicked out of nursery. He obviously has behavioral problems due to the loss of his mother, you need to find professional help to get to the bottom of why he is like this, you can't just keep trailing around different play groups- it isn't safe. There must be help available , bereavement counselling or something. There will be help for children with behavioural problems avsailable through your council, and go to your GP, this is also threatening your health- then where will you all be?

Contact your local Home Start. They have playgroups and also trained volunteers ( often mums whose children have grown up. It sounds as though you are a loving dad, probably still grieving, and you and your son deserve some support. You have a lot to cope with. C9me back later and tell us when th8ngs get better, as they will.

Absolutely. I’m sure most of us will have no idea what to suggest, as the cause of our DCs’ bad behaviour will not have been anything like the trauma you and your DC have gone through. I am so sorry.

I would have grabbed mine and hauled him off and taken him straight home and stern words would have been had - but mine had not lost their mother.

I think the fact he was so upset afterwards means he's not just doing this to be nasty or through choice, for whatever reason he can't help it in the moment. It could well be grief and plenty of comments have given suggestions on how to get him some help with that, try looking in to Attachment Disorder too, a lot of his behaviour could be explained by that. Of course it could be that he has other special needs such as autism but I would probably try going down the route of grief counseling/attachment disorder first because it seems like the most likely reason.

What an incredibly difficult situation for you all. I've not read any replies so apologies if this has already been said. Speak to your health visitor and GP. He needs an EHCP which will open up more options nursery/childcare wise.

Look into applying for DLA as you cannot work, he has greater needs than others his age and you are having to be a full time carer. Your HV, citizens advice and local charities can help you with this. You do not need a diagnosis for this and the nursery he went to will be able to provide you with some paperwork that can be used as evidence.