DS attacked another child at soft play unprovoked - AIBU to think we’ve reached crisis point now?

[donyak]

I dont even know where to start but I took my youngest to soft play today, my older boys were at school and I thought it would be nice to have an hour just me and him but we ended up leaving after 20 minutes because he attacked a little boy

When I say attacked I don’t mean a squabble over a toy. He barged him over and then climbed on top of him and was hitting him before I got there. The other little boy was crying and his mum was understandably furious with me. She kept saying “get him off” as though I wasn’t already trying, I apologised over and over and did offer to pay for a new drink for the little boy as it had done everywhere but they weren’t interested. Another parent was saying I shouldn’t bring a child like that to soft play

He’s only just turned 3 but everyone thinks he’s older because he’s so tall, he’s built like a 5 year old so people expect him to behave like one too which doesn’t help as mentally he’s still only 3. But when he loses it he’s so strong it isn’t just a tantrum where you can pick him up and take him away. He kicks, headbutts and lashes out

I’ve tried all the obvious things. I don’t smack or shout all the time. He has routines, he sleeps fairly well most nights but usually in with me. He eats alright apart from vegetables. I’ve read books, watched videos, spoke to nursery when he was there, spoken to health visitor, tried reward charts which did nothing.

His nursery asked him to leave about 6 weeks ago. They said they couldn’t keep everyone safe anymore and they didn’t have enough staff to give him the support he needed. There had been biting, pushing and one incident where he threw a wooden block . They said they were sorry but thought another setting would be better suited

I can’t find anywhere else it’s either full or has waiting lists. A couple have asked why he’s left his previous nursery and when I’m honest I hear nothing back. It’s meant I can’t work as there’s no one to have him. Their mum died 2 years ago

And I’m trying to keep things normal for them but every month something goes wrong. there’s no family that could help, my parents are gone and my wife’s parents live hours away and aren’t well enough to have an energetic 3 year old

I’ve spoken to the GP, we’ve been referred for assessments and everyone agrees he needs looking at but there’s waiting lists and I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else or himself which didn’t work today

People assume because he’s badly behaved I’m useless and maybe I am I don’t know anymore. I’m exhausted all the time and always watching him and then feel guilty as the older boys need my attention too

Today at soft play he was laughing and climbing like any other child and then another boy ran past him and he just launched himself at him.

Afterwards he cried and cuddled into me whilst I was carrying him out and he kept asking if I was cross and I said yes I was.

I just sat there thinking is this it now? Do I just stop taking him places because it isn’t fair on other children? But then it’s not fair on his brothers to not go anywhere as it’s nearly the summer holidays and how does he ever learn?

Maybe grief has affected him more than I realised because he was young so he didn’t really understand compared to my older boys. Maybe I’ve made mistakes or been too soft or maybe I’ve been too strict because I’m worried about his behaviour

I just feel completely stuck

If you had read the post properly before judging, you’d have read that it’s Dad posting as the poor child’s mother died two years ago, meaning he was only 1 at the time.

OP I’m going to reply to you separately to this as I don’t want my response attached to such negativity.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/making-a-referral

maybe here?

"She" is a person whose wife has died

i would ask your health visitor
also, how is his speech as mentioned above

This is just embarrassing now.

No, perhaps not. But it does show you didn’t read the post properly.

Can you soeka to your HV again and see if there are any sort of child bereavement services they can refer you to. Perhaps there is a charity that offers this? Although he was little when your wife passed he was in a griefing household and this will have impacted him and might be showing as impulsive behaviour now.

Im sorry you don’t have much support around you to help. The nursery also sounds quite useless just to dismiss a 3 year old for wooden block throwing, etc without trying to work on helping with his behaviour and 1-2-1 support. Was it a private nursery? Are there any school nurseries that might be more supportive. Obviously they have to keep the other children safe but they should be helping your DC too.

But it absolutely ought to have changed your tone.

This dad is reaching out for support. It sounds like he has very little IRL. He’s looking after 3 children single handed and has lost his partner two years ago. He’s trying to support three children through grief when he’s grieving himself. Yes, accompanying his child at soft play would have been the right thing to do but there are ways of saying that. You chose the wrong way.

Your replies aren't very nice. In fact every thread I see you on, your posts aren't very nice.

Why do you think that is? Are you unhappy or angry about something?

Well done for the support you, undoubtedly, will be giving your child already. He is probably grieving his mother . Anger is a common emotion when grieving.
Would you get enough funding to pay for a nanny to allow you to work, for your own mental wellbeing and respite tbh? Keep on with the childcare places,.maybe one will come up.
Take him out, but you do need to stay right with him until he is less impulsive, if you suspect additional needs it could be worth looking at charities. There are some that provide experieces for children with additional needs who will likely be one on one with them. It can be very helpful and positive. In my area there is surfing, horse riding, other sports, outdoor play. Get on the local fb page to ask if you feel comfortable.

It’s still unhelpful. You’ve picked out one detail and decided to roll with that in classic MN style. Regardless of whether he was close to the child or not he’s documenting challenging behaviour in all settings.

Read it AGAIN

Losing his mum at age 1 absolutely will have had a huge traumatic impact on him. To have such an important attachment disrupted/lost always will.

He sounds like he's really struggling, worth asking HV & GP for referrals for help.

In the meantime (and im not saying this in a nasty way, you've both had a rough deal and you are doing your best) - what consequence do you impose if he hits etc? There's obviously more going on but predictable, consistent boundaries & consequences generally help the vast majority of children learn what is & isnt acceptable behaviour.

If you’re not working have you applied for free school meals for your elder two? If so they should be entitled to access HAF events locally over summer which will be something fun for them to do without their little brother there and means your not trying to juggle all three.

I absolutely despair about the unsympathetic and hard nosed responses on MN to OP's trying to navigate extremely difficult and sometimes quite heartbreaking circumstances.

This isnt the only thread today which has made me really depressed by the unpleasant responses.

That's tough OP, especially when you're obviously trying your best.

Would Child Bereavement UK be able to help or point you in the direction of somewhere that could help both you and your children?

I would reach out to your health visitor and local children's centre if you have one. Keep bothering them if you get fobbed off the first time, sometimes (particularly with HVs) it can depend which one you get on the day. Bet they should be able to support with behaviour bad with grief/bereavement.

Soft plays are often very loud and overstimulating for neurodiverse children. My likely autistic son has just turned 3 as well and I’ve stopped taking him to soft plays because every time we go his behaviour gets a lot worse. He isn’t aggressive but throws toys (not at people but could accidentally hit someone so unsafe) and screams when told to stop or moved away, behaviours he has mostly stopped at home and at nursery. He’s much better behaved in quieter places like the park or the library. If you want to teach your son how to behave around other children, soft play might not be the best place to take him.

I know it feels awful for you and I know others need to be kept safe but he is only 3 and a paddy/tantrum looks worse simply because of his size, and people will have higher expectations from him (which is unfair).
A relative was in pretty much the exact same situation as you, they could have written that post word for word.
I am surprised by the nursery . He is 3, the problem being when an average sized 3yr old hits another 3 yr old its not a physical issue . When yours hits its a bigger issue but they should not expect better behaviour because of his size. (The relatives nursery said that to them)
On a positive the relative has just posted part of his school report which talks about how kind and generous he is with his class mates.
Obviously your son may have additional needs but he is only 3. It could simply be development catching up with him.

Hey OP.

Your child is very young, only 3, and to have lost his mum, who would have been his primary attachment at the time, will have affected him unfortunately. Too many people will tell you that young children are resilient and will adjust, and unfortunately he won’t adjust to this, he will need to be supported through it now signs are showing.

In addition to this, it sounds like he may have some developmental concerns, but that could be due to the trauma and grief. It could also just be that he doesn’t know how to socialise ofcourse, this is something we don’t realise we have to teach children until we have to teach them and everyone needs support with this.

Have you had any support as a family for your loss? It may be something he needs to process in an age appropriate way.

I’m not sure where your local area is, but your GP should actually be able to sign post you to grief support for children in early years, failing that - maybe your older children’s school can?

No, don’t stop taking him out and socialising him, but if you’re not at work at the moment, take some time to find local groups to take him to and risk assess each situation to ensure you minimise the possibility of this happening again.

I will grab some national resources for you once I’ve fed my children, and come back and post them - hopefully they will help.

Fucking hell, no wonder when genuine men post on here asking for help they don't come back. Piled on when they just need a bit of empathy.

Request an EHCNA for DS. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

What support was the nursery providing? What had they already tried? Had they applied for early years inclusion funding? What outside agencies had they asked for advice from? What type of nursery was it.

Some areas have specialist early years inclusion places for those going through or needing to go through the EHCP process. It is worth checking if your area does.

If not, have a look at nursery that are part of state schools. Admissions to these have to comply with the admission code.

Definitely look at referrals to SALT and OT. Not all ICBs commission sensory OT on the nursery, but even if your area doesn’t, it can be part of an EHCNA. In the meantime, have a look at the book the Out of Sync Child. There is a ‘has fun’ version too. Also have a look at some of the Occuplaytional therapist’s resources and this booklet. Whether it is worth a referral to Portage will depend on the area. Some areas won’t accept referrals for 3 year olds, and some who do have waiting lists so long DS will be in school before he reaches the top.

Also have a look at your local short breaks offer. There may not be anything suitable, but it is worth looking.

If you haven’t already, apply for DLA.

Yet again you've assumed the OP is a woman. This is more than likely a Dad who is struggling with multiple issues at once including grief and trying to manage raising 3 children solo and all you can do is criticise. Obviously you must be a perfect parent with uncomplicated, rule abiding children - which is great for you but you're not in a position to advise someone who has a more challenging child.

OP it sounds like your child may have some neurodiversity as well as dealing with some trauma from losing a parent. Be kind to yourself, and to your 3yr old. Maybe try and find some SEN supportive parenting groups to try and find other parents who are coping with neurodiverse children and try to find a trauma informed therapist/counsellor for all 3 of your children. Maybe look at childminders or nurseries with experience of SEN. Your son probably needs a 1:1 at nursery to keep him and the other children safe, at least until they are able to assess his needs and see how they can meet them. The soft play incident is really unfortunate, other parents with no experience of raising a challenging child may understandably be irate. Just chalk it up to experience. You apologised and the child was ok, if a little roughed up. There's not much more you could have done. Maybe pick places that have more space so your son doesn't feel threatened enough to lash out and keep a very close eye.

As another poster has said I would look into parental application for an EHCP whilst awaiting assessment. You don't need a diagnosis to apply. There are lots of charities and support groups who can offer free advice.

@donyak in terms of taking him to places like soft play I would look at SEN specific sessions if you can, where there are perhaps less children present and it’s quieter and less stimulating. Or try to go at the less busy times of day. I used to follow mine around constantly in soft play, I’m sure other people thought I was helicopter parenting but mine could also go from seemingly totally calm to biting or hitting and I had to be right there to spot the subtle shift and get in before it escalated.

Did his nursery get the LA involved at all to look at his behaviour? I think that getting an EHCP is a good next step, along with the other suggestions on this thread about getting referrals for other assessments.

Go to your health visitor. Take any referral you can get (a Speech therapist might help).
I would also go to his previous nursery and ask them to put something in writing as to why they asked him to leave.
If he has SN (which he does even if it’s only temporary due to grief) then he should have priority for accessing some services.
Also behaviour is communication - and at this age often the only way a child really has to communicate.