DS attacked another child at soft play unprovoked - AIBU to think we’ve reached crisis point now?

[donyak]

I dont even know where to start but I took my youngest to soft play today, my older boys were at school and I thought it would be nice to have an hour just me and him but we ended up leaving after 20 minutes because he attacked a little boy

When I say attacked I don’t mean a squabble over a toy. He barged him over and then climbed on top of him and was hitting him before I got there. The other little boy was crying and his mum was understandably furious with me. She kept saying “get him off” as though I wasn’t already trying, I apologised over and over and did offer to pay for a new drink for the little boy as it had done everywhere but they weren’t interested. Another parent was saying I shouldn’t bring a child like that to soft play

He’s only just turned 3 but everyone thinks he’s older because he’s so tall, he’s built like a 5 year old so people expect him to behave like one too which doesn’t help as mentally he’s still only 3. But when he loses it he’s so strong it isn’t just a tantrum where you can pick him up and take him away. He kicks, headbutts and lashes out

I’ve tried all the obvious things. I don’t smack or shout all the time. He has routines, he sleeps fairly well most nights but usually in with me. He eats alright apart from vegetables. I’ve read books, watched videos, spoke to nursery when he was there, spoken to health visitor, tried reward charts which did nothing.

His nursery asked him to leave about 6 weeks ago. They said they couldn’t keep everyone safe anymore and they didn’t have enough staff to give him the support he needed. There had been biting, pushing and one incident where he threw a wooden block . They said they were sorry but thought another setting would be better suited

I can’t find anywhere else it’s either full or has waiting lists. A couple have asked why he’s left his previous nursery and when I’m honest I hear nothing back. It’s meant I can’t work as there’s no one to have him. Their mum died 2 years ago

And I’m trying to keep things normal for them but every month something goes wrong. there’s no family that could help, my parents are gone and my wife’s parents live hours away and aren’t well enough to have an energetic 3 year old

I’ve spoken to the GP, we’ve been referred for assessments and everyone agrees he needs looking at but there’s waiting lists and I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else or himself which didn’t work today

People assume because he’s badly behaved I’m useless and maybe I am I don’t know anymore. I’m exhausted all the time and always watching him and then feel guilty as the older boys need my attention too

Today at soft play he was laughing and climbing like any other child and then another boy ran past him and he just launched himself at him.

Afterwards he cried and cuddled into me whilst I was carrying him out and he kept asking if I was cross and I said yes I was.

I just sat there thinking is this it now? Do I just stop taking him places because it isn’t fair on other children? But then it’s not fair on his brothers to not go anywhere as it’s nearly the summer holidays and how does he ever learn?

Maybe grief has affected him more than I realised because he was young so he didn’t really understand compared to my older boys. Maybe I’ve made mistakes or been too soft or maybe I’ve been too strict because I’m worried about his behaviour

I just feel completely stuck

Perhaps reach out to a dedicated grief support charity - Grief Encounter for example. They specifically support bereaved children and help them make sense of what's happened. They may also offer you some support and help you not feel so alone

www.griefencounter.org.uk/

OP, my heart goes out to you and your children. My parent died when I was a toddler too, there’s no doubt it has affected my life.

the hospice local to us has a child bereavement service - could you see if yours does too?

and yes, talk with your health visitor.

I think there is a tendency for people (I’m not directing this to you OP) to underestimate the trauma of bereavement on very young children.

There is often a narrative that they are too young to understand or that they won’t remember.

Yet if we look at studies the importance of what’s now termed the 4th trimester (first 12 weeks after been born) on a child’s development is now being more heavily researched and posing important ethical questions about practices such as surrogacy given the evidence pointing to the trauma even newborns experience when losing their birth mother.

Your son sounds like he’s struggling with emotional regulation and this can absolutely be linked to bereavement trauma.

There may of course be other causes but I’d certainly consider this possibility and be speaking to specialist child bereavement services/charities as a start point.

It sounds tough and you understandably sound sad and somewhat defeated. The whole family have gone through a terrible experience.

This doesn’t make you a poor parent. No child comes with a parenting manual but when you are in the position of being parent to children who have lost their other parent even the normal tropes and wisdom simply don’t apply anymore.

For clarity I’m not in that position but know parents who are and the support they and their children have received from child bereavement charities (from signposting to more practical help/therapy) has been invaluable.

I think it may be a case of choosing where you take him and hovering nearby. Sorry.

Ds used to get thoroughly out of himself at soft play. We know how he had sensory issues, but I knew right the way through that more than half an hour at any soft play was enough.

So he rarely went, and when he did, I (or sometimes big sister who was very good at keeping him calm and removing him when he was getting too hectic) stayed with him.
If he was invited to a party, I'd often ask if they minded if we were a little late, then he would have a lovely half an hour where he then went through for food happily, rather than ending up with me taking him home before food.

We went to farm parks where he loved watching animals but there was space to walk, run and play. Or a field with a ball and he'd kick it around. Or he also (once he was about 5yo) loved planes so watching them or museums were his safe places. Pick your own fruit was a massive hit.
So mostly outside, exercise and supervised. Sorry!

It is tough, and you can't really relax, but he did learn to regulate himself - I'd still not take him to soft play though <only joking, he's 19yo>

I would be very careful about assuming neurodivergence here. It’s more likely to be grief, trauma combined with three - which even for completely neurotypical children with stable home lives can be a tricky age to navigate socially.

Come over to the SEN board OP. You’ll find lots of parents who have been through this before, and no judgement. There are lots of overlaps between behaviours that might be trauma and might be ASD, so not at all trying to say “it’s definitely ASD” but whatever is going on I wonder if using some ways of engaging that work for children with ASD might work for you. The first book I found useful was The Explosive Child, if you’re a book person.

I second the person who says soft plays can be over stimulating. I found them overstimulating myself tbh.

When you ask him why he does these things what does he say?

Is negative attention better than no attention for you BeSunnyLemonaSheep? Why don't you grow up or baaaa off?

about:blank source:%20Winston's%20Wish
https://share.google/ZM02Udoteh6ke3VKh

This is an excellent bereavement charity for children. Sadly through my job I’ve had to refer lots of families to them but they have always been a great help.

I agree.

Wow OP that sounds tough, please ignore BeSunnyLemonSheep - they have a chip on their shoulder the size of the fucking moon. Losing a parent at 1 especially if they were the main carer can have a massive impact on a child - have a look at attachment disorder as an example. I really think you need some professional help here to deal with his bereavement, Google suugested these:

Child Bereavement UK: Offers free support, guidance, and resources for families grieving the death of a baby or child. You can reach their helpline at 0800 028 8840 (Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm), or use the live chat on the Child Bereavement UK website. 1, 2, 3, 4]
Winston’s Wish: Supports grieving children and young people up to age 25. They offer practical support and guidance for parents. Call their helpline at 0808 802 0021 or visit Winston's Wish. 1, 2]
Cruse Bereavement Support: Offers resources and a safe space for young people grieving. Find out more via the Cruse Bereavement Support website

I was thinking SEN as I was reading your post but then I read the bit about his mum and I definitely think trauma could also cause this type of behaviour. I’m so sorry, this must be so difficult for all of you. I would reach out to HV and ask for referrals to specialists, either SEN related if he has any delays (eg to OT or speech) or to a counselling or play therapy service. Specialist bereavement charities for children might also be able to help. He needs support, but also please know that he is very young and things can change a lot at this age within a few years.

How many three year olds do you know? Maybe at approaching four some would be able to say something like ‘he scared me’ but at just turned three no chance!

Are you in contact with social services?

Just for reference. Winston’s Wish and Child Bereavement UK have now merged into one charity.

Have you reached out to any children’s bereavement services? Simon says is one that comes to mind and I also want to say that you need to seek out support for yourself too. There must be a few bereavement support groups for people like you even if they are on line. My thoughts are with you having to navigate with no support. Good luck.

I would recommend the book “A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting” by Sarah Naish. It’s aimed at healing problematic behaviours exhibited by children who have been through trauma. It’s very likely that his grief has a lot to do with this.

Excellent suggestions from (most) posters re specialised help.

Can you try to do a record, of eg how long you are places before things go wrong, and then halve that time and leave early?

Also try lots of keeping toddler with you so he feels reassured?

From everything you've written, it's not your parenting so go easy on yourself in that regard.

You've a child who struggles with emotional regulation which is difficult on you both.

Even if it doesn't feel like it you are doing all the right things.

You've avisted your GP.
You have him on a waiting list for assessment.
You're asking for further help here too.

Other posters have given great signposting above. Whether it's trauma from losing him mum or other underlying issues, her death will have had an impact.

Have you or any of your boys had breavement counselling? It may be of benefit to you all.

Sorry for your loss - it's unfair and can't be easy.

I'd strongly recommend applying for an EHC needs assessment, which is the first stage in applying for an EHCP. There's useful information here - https://www.ipsea.org.uk/asking-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment

My son used to occasionally hit out. I had to go around with him as he has autism and ADHD he used to be a runner. You really can’t let them out of your sight when they behave like that.

Does he know what he’s doing when he does it? Some with epilepsy can lash out. So it’s only the behaviour that is noticed not the seizures.

I would second reading this article.

I think you hid the lead a little in your post OP, with the sad information about your wife. This could well be a little boy who is grieving deeply, and it's coming out as intense anger, triggered by very little.

I would suggest getting specialist support for your little boy and for all your children (and yourself!). The affects of bereavement on children can (obviously) be profound but, because they're still developing, the grief can come out in weird ways. And sometimes that's very visible and fairly quick, like your little boy, but it can also show up decades later in quite internalised, but equally damaging ways.

All the best to you and your family.

Oh gosh you poor thing, that sounds really hard.

I’m a teacher so while not an expert, I have seen how the system works (and how it doesn’t!)

You are going to need to be your child’s biggest advocate. Become an absolute thorn in the side of GP, health visitor, early help/social work. If you can be ignored, you will be, so absolutely SCREAM for help. Do not take no for an answer.

If you can, get him into a school nursery. I’m going to be cynical and say don’t answer too many questions in advance. They are culturally less inclined to permanent exclusion than a nursery. Once on roll, talk to the senco and get them on side.

Best of luck x

I would echo the specialist help from charities such as Winston wish- or Macmillan or the hospice can help as well ...
But you might find books like The Invisible string helpful as well to read to your child ....
Much love

Badgers parting gift is another good one