DS attacked another child at soft play unprovoked - AIBU to think we’ve reached crisis point now?

[donyak]

I dont even know where to start but I took my youngest to soft play today, my older boys were at school and I thought it would be nice to have an hour just me and him but we ended up leaving after 20 minutes because he attacked a little boy

When I say attacked I don’t mean a squabble over a toy. He barged him over and then climbed on top of him and was hitting him before I got there. The other little boy was crying and his mum was understandably furious with me. She kept saying “get him off” as though I wasn’t already trying, I apologised over and over and did offer to pay for a new drink for the little boy as it had done everywhere but they weren’t interested. Another parent was saying I shouldn’t bring a child like that to soft play

He’s only just turned 3 but everyone thinks he’s older because he’s so tall, he’s built like a 5 year old so people expect him to behave like one too which doesn’t help as mentally he’s still only 3. But when he loses it he’s so strong it isn’t just a tantrum where you can pick him up and take him away. He kicks, headbutts and lashes out

I’ve tried all the obvious things. I don’t smack or shout all the time. He has routines, he sleeps fairly well most nights but usually in with me. He eats alright apart from vegetables. I’ve read books, watched videos, spoke to nursery when he was there, spoken to health visitor, tried reward charts which did nothing.

His nursery asked him to leave about 6 weeks ago. They said they couldn’t keep everyone safe anymore and they didn’t have enough staff to give him the support he needed. There had been biting, pushing and one incident where he threw a wooden block . They said they were sorry but thought another setting would be better suited

I can’t find anywhere else it’s either full or has waiting lists. A couple have asked why he’s left his previous nursery and when I’m honest I hear nothing back. It’s meant I can’t work as there’s no one to have him. Their mum died 2 years ago

And I’m trying to keep things normal for them but every month something goes wrong. there’s no family that could help, my parents are gone and my wife’s parents live hours away and aren’t well enough to have an energetic 3 year old

I’ve spoken to the GP, we’ve been referred for assessments and everyone agrees he needs looking at but there’s waiting lists and I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else or himself which didn’t work today

People assume because he’s badly behaved I’m useless and maybe I am I don’t know anymore. I’m exhausted all the time and always watching him and then feel guilty as the older boys need my attention too

Today at soft play he was laughing and climbing like any other child and then another boy ran past him and he just launched himself at him.

Afterwards he cried and cuddled into me whilst I was carrying him out and he kept asking if I was cross and I said yes I was.

I just sat there thinking is this it now? Do I just stop taking him places because it isn’t fair on other children? But then it’s not fair on his brothers to not go anywhere as it’s nearly the summer holidays and how does he ever learn?

Maybe grief has affected him more than I realised because he was young so he didn’t really understand compared to my older boys. Maybe I’ve made mistakes or been too soft or maybe I’ve been too strict because I’m worried about his behaviour

I just feel completely stuck

You poor thing, that sounds incredibly hard and I really feel for you and your boys. I'm sure more experienced posters will be along shortly but Have you tried your council's Early Help? Do they have a family hub where you could go and talk to an EYFS practitioner?

Could your financial circumstances support a session with a child psychologist?

Have you reached out to your HV? They should be able to refer to things like portage and other support available locally.

how is his speech?

I would look at doing a parental ehcp application now to get things in place before he starts school.

Also look at the local offer part of your local council website that will have details of local support services

Not a very helpful first answer . Lets kick someone when they are obviously down.

Also (sorry for multiple posts!) I would report your own thread and ask mumsnet to move it out of AIBU to a more supportive section!

Sounds linked to trauma to me, although I’ll add the caveat that three year olds can be very unpredictable and I can’t honestly say my own ds wasn’t a bit like this (but small so the damage he did was less.) He’s fine now.

You need to read the first post more carefully

It might not be fair on your other children to miss out, but it certainly isn’t fair on others to come across such a violent child in what should be a safe environment.

If you can’t stick to him like glue then these public play spaces aren’t appropriate at the moment

I imagine the little boys parent realises this.

There's an article called
Why angry children are often grieving children.
I think you need specialist bereavement advice tailored for young children.

I used to watch ds like a hawk but one of the problems with soft play environments is that it is very difficult to get into them quickly to support your chilr if they are having difficulties. Nothing like having to scramble through two ballpits and a punchbag corridor to stop your kid pushing another one to really make you lose any sense of dignity and authority you ever had. (Especially when heavily pregnant but since I think the OP is a dad that obviously doesn’t apply!)

Soft play is also overstimulating and exciting, which can be a big trigger for some children. Add the heat and it can be tricky. Sorry that happened OP. I know others will have better advice but some tea and sympathy from me!

You are seeking help thats a good thing, they may be able to advise you about methods you might not have thought of.

How is his speech can he communicate well? Also look at resources for bereaved young children they might also have some advice.

My partner died when my son was a toddler and it really is hard going, especially as you have no support. Keep going it will all be okay x

I don't think you have even read the first post . If you had you would realise OP is not a she. And perhaps you might have a bit of sympathy with the family situation.

Have you and your children been offered grief counselling in addition to the other suggestions here.

Yes in hindsight that may have helped, but thats not what happened is it, a parent is asking for advice not what he should have done in a situation that’s already happened 🙄

It’s a widowed dad.

I’m sorry, sounds really tough. Are there any children focused bereavement type charities which might be able to help. Maybe it is related to the loss of his mum?

He sounds traumatised and grieving. How did his mother die? You probably want to look into play therapy or similar specialising in bereaved children.

Try a little tenderness, as Otis Redding said

Ignore BeSunnyLemonSheep they're just jumping between threads trying to start fights today.

Wow you e been through such a lot, try not to be too hard on yourself.

If you can’t work, have you applied for DLA for your DS? It’s based on needs rather than diagnosis so you should be able to get it, especially silly as he needs much more supervision than other 3 year olds.

Also agree that it sounds as though he’d benefit from referrals to SaLT, Portage and an OT assessment.

As for his behaviour, it sounds as though you’ve really tried but if he is ND then regular discipline techniques just won’t work.

Have a read of 10 days to a Less Defiant Child instead as it had some tips on behaviour in there