DS attacked another child at soft play unprovoked - AIBU to think we’ve reached crisis point now?

[donyak]

I dont even know where to start but I took my youngest to soft play today, my older boys were at school and I thought it would be nice to have an hour just me and him but we ended up leaving after 20 minutes because he attacked a little boy

When I say attacked I don’t mean a squabble over a toy. He barged him over and then climbed on top of him and was hitting him before I got there. The other little boy was crying and his mum was understandably furious with me. She kept saying “get him off” as though I wasn’t already trying, I apologised over and over and did offer to pay for a new drink for the little boy as it had done everywhere but they weren’t interested. Another parent was saying I shouldn’t bring a child like that to soft play

He’s only just turned 3 but everyone thinks he’s older because he’s so tall, he’s built like a 5 year old so people expect him to behave like one too which doesn’t help as mentally he’s still only 3. But when he loses it he’s so strong it isn’t just a tantrum where you can pick him up and take him away. He kicks, headbutts and lashes out

I’ve tried all the obvious things. I don’t smack or shout all the time. He has routines, he sleeps fairly well most nights but usually in with me. He eats alright apart from vegetables. I’ve read books, watched videos, spoke to nursery when he was there, spoken to health visitor, tried reward charts which did nothing.

His nursery asked him to leave about 6 weeks ago. They said they couldn’t keep everyone safe anymore and they didn’t have enough staff to give him the support he needed. There had been biting, pushing and one incident where he threw a wooden block . They said they were sorry but thought another setting would be better suited

I can’t find anywhere else it’s either full or has waiting lists. A couple have asked why he’s left his previous nursery and when I’m honest I hear nothing back. It’s meant I can’t work as there’s no one to have him. Their mum died 2 years ago

And I’m trying to keep things normal for them but every month something goes wrong. there’s no family that could help, my parents are gone and my wife’s parents live hours away and aren’t well enough to have an energetic 3 year old

I’ve spoken to the GP, we’ve been referred for assessments and everyone agrees he needs looking at but there’s waiting lists and I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else or himself which didn’t work today

People assume because he’s badly behaved I’m useless and maybe I am I don’t know anymore. I’m exhausted all the time and always watching him and then feel guilty as the older boys need my attention too

Today at soft play he was laughing and climbing like any other child and then another boy ran past him and he just launched himself at him.

Afterwards he cried and cuddled into me whilst I was carrying him out and he kept asking if I was cross and I said yes I was.

I just sat there thinking is this it now? Do I just stop taking him places because it isn’t fair on other children? But then it’s not fair on his brothers to not go anywhere as it’s nearly the summer holidays and how does he ever learn?

Maybe grief has affected him more than I realised because he was young so he didn’t really understand compared to my older boys. Maybe I’ve made mistakes or been too soft or maybe I’ve been too strict because I’m worried about his behaviour

I just feel completely stuck

My child did this, he’s autistic and has adhd, but at that age it wasn’t apparent apart from the social communication problems. Could that be the case? if so, He will grow out of it, as he finds more appropriate ways to communicate, until then don’t take him as it’s just horrifically stressful OR literally follow him round. Get diagnosis in place asap if you think it could be ND. 🙂

No advise but massive sympathy for your situation OP X

I agree OP with your comment about no sensory issues, from what you have told us. He sounds to me like a child who is hurting - which is understandable and no-one's fault.

He has a supportive father though, which is going to make the difference.

This is a baby who’s lost his mum is challenging behaviour only to be expected

The idea sugar leads to bad behaviour is a myth which has been totally disproven. Don't let people beat you up with that one. I had my poor son on sugar free, gluten free, dairy free for years... it's nonsense.

Also the idea kids copy violence is often also a myth. Kids often lash out because they can't control their frustration because they haven't learned the tools for self control yet. Some kids develop these mechanisms older than others (my son was about 8) just like some kids grasp reading or maths later on.

When we started therapy with my son they asked us to keep a diary of meltdown behaviors and violent outbursts with a score of what happened before and what happened after to try and isolate and track causes. Turned out a lot of things we thought were 'out of the blue' were actually part of a pattern. Bad news for us was overstimulating spaces like soft play were a constant pattern where there was always violence. But we realised he never had meltdowns in places like the park or forest. So we just switched up our activities.

I imagine a therapist would tell you to do the same so maybe start that now?

We also realised a lot of behaviour in the home was attention seeking. And it was best to ignore that and not feed it as being shouted at or told off was just as much attention as being praised.

Age.
ND.
Trauma/acting out.

It could be any, a combo or all.
You sound like you are doing the best you can. Definitely push for an assessment urgently. Look into a child psychologist privately if you can for assessment and counselling. Join a parent support group.
FWIW my now 4 y/o broke me from 2 1/2 - recently as was very rough, ie hitting my younger dc among other things.

You may find there are still some spaces, both our local catchment schools are still advertising spaces in their nurseries for September, it especially helps if you can be flexible on days/times ie morning or afternoon sessions rather then whole day.

Hi OP, not sure if you're on TikTok but @send.support5 is a primary teacher and SENDCO account designed specifically to help people in these kind of situations.
If you can send her a direct message on TikTok she'll hopefully be able to give you some help (free of charge).

Poor little lad needs some proper counselling, with the older boys and you by the sounds of it 😥
Have you any of their mums family around you, any women who could support you? Sending hugs

Hi @donyak I don’t have any additional advice, but I wanted to say how sorry I am, because things sound really tough. You are doing your best in a really difficult situation, so please be kind to yourself. Definitely reach out to your local family hubs for support (or your local council’s Early Help team). Your son is trying to process a trauma and bereavement he doesn’t have the vocabulary or maturity to understand. I promise things will get better, for all of you.

Most early help teams you can self refer, but some ask nursery/pre school to initiate an early help assessment. Your local family hub (just search family hubs in your area) will be able to guide you with this. These professionals can look at whether he is old enough yet for play therapy or if it is more about supporting you to help him. Don’t be afraid to be vocal and consistent with them about needing help.

You are doing amazing to be raising your children alongside your own grief and trauma.

It is hard but I agree with others this may come from the parent loss rather than neurodivergence. You could look if there are any local bereavement services for children in your area at the Good Grief Trust website - a charity may be able to give quicker advice than the referrals you have in place.

im Sorry, it sounds so hard. You’ve all been through such a lot.

it sounds like you are doing your best. Hopefully you can get some help from somewhere.

Of course the little boy needs help, but I’d have thought a lot of cuddles and reassurance would be much more appropriate at this sort of age. It’s not as if (almost certainly) he can express his own loss and bewilderment, or draw a picture to portray how he feels, so he lashes out.

It sounds really difficult for you. As others have mentioned, it might be worth sourcing some grief counselling (for him and maybe all of you?) CAMHs may be able to help, your GP can refer, or a charity. Winston’s Wish work specifically with bereaved children as well as supporting parents, or you may have local ones in your area? For very young children grief/trauma most often presents in behavioural ways.

The only other person I know who’s child was asked to leave nursery due to behaviour is one of the most wonderful, lovely and highly qualified in education person I know. I’m certain she’s an excellent parent. However, her son was very challenging. After a lot of research they went for primitive reflex therapy - have a look into it. It has really helped her child, and family, he’s now doing really well at school.

You don't need to wait for a nursery or school to start the EHCP process and it sounds like he would benefit from a setting that focuses on social, emotional and mental health needs.

You can apply an EHCP online yourself and having been through the EHCP process myself and knowing how long and arduous it is I recommend you start as soon as possible so by compulsory school age he is likely to have the best possible chance.

He sounds like he has trauma, neurodivergent needs or both and he absolute deserves to be in a supportive and understanding setting.

As for soft play areas, I wouldn't take him to those. We can't take my son unless I am in there with him. It doesn't mean you can't do anything with your children at all, it just means that whatever you do needs to have everybodies needs considered, so it needs to be somewhere you can always be by his side whilst still affording everyone some freedom and opportunities to play. Sandpits, parks, museums, playgrounds etc. Anywhere he can always be in arms reach.

No advice, I’m sorry, but I just wanted to add how sorry I am for the very hard situation you all find yourselves in

I'm sure you talk about his mum and have pictures around, that will help 💐

What are his favourite toys at home? How does he play and what does he enjoy? All sorts of seemingly minor things could be sparking off his grief.

Please don't feel you're getting it wrong, @donyak. I don't really have any advice or suggestions that you haven't already had, but I did want to say that you sound like a great dad and it's obvious you're doing your best in a very difficult situation that very few parents have any experience of.

And don't be bothered by the very few nasty comments from a couple of stirrers.

My only advice is that if you know he's like that then you do need to be right next to him so that there is no time for him to do anything before you get there. I know this is hard at 3 so maybe soft play isn't th4 place for him. If you've really looked at strategies and they've not worked I would be seeking a referral from the GP. That level of aggression at age 3 doesn't sound typical.

Edit : sorry I missed the bit you've been to the GP! We have places that have quiet time / send sessions. Have you tried forest school sessions? Some children find It much easier to cope.

@donyak Hi. Sorry to hear about your experiences. In addition to the suggestions above, like enquiring about ehcp and therapy - ask GP if at a loss as to where to start with therapy, also consider the following. Does your 3yr old DS drink enough (water/non-fizzy, non-sugary drinks)? He may need encouragement to drink water regularly. Also when you watch your kids playing together, do the older boys engage in play fighting or are they a bit rough in how they play with their 3yr old sibling? It may seem like fun or funny to them and they may not mean any harm but it may sending the wrong message to their younger brother. If so, explain that their 3yr old brother isn't ready for this kind of play and needs calmer games and more gentle play. It may be none of these things but just a suggestion if not tried already.

Stop beating yourself up about this. Its clear there is another issue here. You need to push for an assessment. My son was eventually diagnosed with ASD at 14. He was my first born and so I thought his behaviour was "normal" as I had nothing to compare it to. I wish Id done something sooner and I look back on how he used to behave and ask myself why I didnt pick up on some of the signs. Demand help.

I’m so sorry this all sounds very hard.

you’ve had some great advise.

I would give HV a ring tomorrow and explain you are both at breaking point and need help now.

you can apply for an EHCP yourself. I would give yourself abit time to read what it entails as it’s a head fuck tbh and you need to be in the right frame of mind.

I’ve been in similar situations of my boy lashing out at 3. he is neurodivergent, which may or may not be the case for your son as grief can be the same.

you sound an amazing dad to your boys.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
Your little boy is only 36 months, and in that time he has gone through enormous loss and trauma. As a pp said, it sounds to me that this is trauma plus, well being three. I have known a few little boys like this. One from a family trauma (different from yours but serious) another from a sudden change, only temporary but he was very unsettled. The third was a new friend’s small child who spent an entire teatime randomly lobbing hard toys at my head. The second child was banished from his nursery for frequent biting. All of these children were fairly small for their age, which does help. I have a cousin who was huge and he had lots of problems getting constantly told off by people who assumed that he was several years older. Three year olds can be really tricky and have massive tantrums. Your little boy has all the huge emotions and he is angry, but he is very very small. There are some picture books on the theme of temper and anger that might be good to read with him.
I agree with others that getting specialised bereavement help would be good, for all of you if you haven’t had it yet. If he is a beast at soft play then no soft play until he can manage his emotions a little bit better. It is totally normal at his age to get overwhelmed and have a meltdown. One of my dds had horrendous tantrums at three. I was really struggling with them. Then one day I filmed her and played it back when she had fallen asleep. What had seemed so huge and difficult for me as well as her, suddenly shifted. There was this tiny person, struggling and at the end of her tether. Not much more than a baby. Just that perspective shift helped me take a step back emotionally and be less stressed, which in turn helped her a lot too and the tantrums subsided.
Both my child and my friends biter child are lovely young adults now. Three will pass, he will be four and then five, he just needs to have a bit of extra support now managing his temper and frustration, and getting to voice his more difficult feelings rather than whacking someone.
You are doing a very difficult job, all of you have been through this enormous loss, I hope you have friends around you to talk to and relax with.

I have no advice sorry but just wanted to say my heart really goes out to you all, your little ones who have lost their mom and you who is holding everything together whilst grieving, I can’t imagine going through that myself it would be torturous. I can see some posters have offered some good advice so I really hope the situation starts to improve soon