DS attacked another child at soft play unprovoked - AIBU to think we’ve reached crisis point now?

[donyak]

I dont even know where to start but I took my youngest to soft play today, my older boys were at school and I thought it would be nice to have an hour just me and him but we ended up leaving after 20 minutes because he attacked a little boy

When I say attacked I don’t mean a squabble over a toy. He barged him over and then climbed on top of him and was hitting him before I got there. The other little boy was crying and his mum was understandably furious with me. She kept saying “get him off” as though I wasn’t already trying, I apologised over and over and did offer to pay for a new drink for the little boy as it had done everywhere but they weren’t interested. Another parent was saying I shouldn’t bring a child like that to soft play

He’s only just turned 3 but everyone thinks he’s older because he’s so tall, he’s built like a 5 year old so people expect him to behave like one too which doesn’t help as mentally he’s still only 3. But when he loses it he’s so strong it isn’t just a tantrum where you can pick him up and take him away. He kicks, headbutts and lashes out

I’ve tried all the obvious things. I don’t smack or shout all the time. He has routines, he sleeps fairly well most nights but usually in with me. He eats alright apart from vegetables. I’ve read books, watched videos, spoke to nursery when he was there, spoken to health visitor, tried reward charts which did nothing.

His nursery asked him to leave about 6 weeks ago. They said they couldn’t keep everyone safe anymore and they didn’t have enough staff to give him the support he needed. There had been biting, pushing and one incident where he threw a wooden block . They said they were sorry but thought another setting would be better suited

I can’t find anywhere else it’s either full or has waiting lists. A couple have asked why he’s left his previous nursery and when I’m honest I hear nothing back. It’s meant I can’t work as there’s no one to have him. Their mum died 2 years ago

And I’m trying to keep things normal for them but every month something goes wrong. there’s no family that could help, my parents are gone and my wife’s parents live hours away and aren’t well enough to have an energetic 3 year old

I’ve spoken to the GP, we’ve been referred for assessments and everyone agrees he needs looking at but there’s waiting lists and I’m just trying to make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone else or himself which didn’t work today

People assume because he’s badly behaved I’m useless and maybe I am I don’t know anymore. I’m exhausted all the time and always watching him and then feel guilty as the older boys need my attention too

Today at soft play he was laughing and climbing like any other child and then another boy ran past him and he just launched himself at him.

Afterwards he cried and cuddled into me whilst I was carrying him out and he kept asking if I was cross and I said yes I was.

I just sat there thinking is this it now? Do I just stop taking him places because it isn’t fair on other children? But then it’s not fair on his brothers to not go anywhere as it’s nearly the summer holidays and how does he ever learn?

Maybe grief has affected him more than I realised because he was young so he didn’t really understand compared to my older boys. Maybe I’ve made mistakes or been too soft or maybe I’ve been too strict because I’m worried about his behaviour

I just feel completely stuck

It’s not counselling to the child, it’s advice to the parent.

There is lots of support for families who lose a loved one to cancer. Try young lives vs cancer and cancer fund for children. Some of them offer specialist therapy for children or will be able to signpost additional resources.

I think just being literally on top of him at all times so that you're basically stopping him before he can get to the other kid. It's not much fun I know, but this difficult time will pass. I'm sorry you're go through such a hard time, things will eventually get better.

Hi OP I really feel for you, not only are you grieving your wife but you are rushed off your feet with three children. You’re not alone in the kid violence thing, we recently went through this with our 5yo who has a history of hitting instead of using his words, and he hasn’t even lost a key caregiver.

Your youngest may be responding to instinctive feelings of loss and grief picked up from the family he can’t understand or explain.

What really helped me was watching this very emotional super nanny episode about a child whose parents had lost his younger brother to cot death. The child becomes very angry and violent and the way super nanny deals with the whole family is firm but also she addresses their loss in a very sensitive manner.

I hope watching this makes you feel better and gives you some good advice.
And if the link doesn’t work just search in YouTube for “super nanny most violent child ever”.

fingers crossed for you that you get the support that you need and your youngest does too. ❤️

I agree with you about cuddles and reassurance, but I am sure OP is doing that.

Sometimes things can be deeper seated, and they can unpick them indirectly.

I’m sorry for what you and your family have been through. This is a really tough time but it won’t always be like this.

That's so tough. I m really sorry. I can't comment on a lot of your post... But I wanted to say - just because things are like this now, does not mean they will be like this in the future. He is so obviously grieving in his own way. There was probably a lot of trauma after your wife's death and he probably had absorbed a lot of his dad and brothers grief. The fact that you are searching for answers and supporting him will help him through this. You hugged him when he needed it. When he asked if you were angry you answered honestly. You sound like a great dad trying his best in incredibly difficult circumstances.

I have a little experience in researching trauma in young children and trauma informed pedagogy. You are doing all the right things. It may not feel like it! I know! But you are. Keep being honest with him. Keep giving him love and support, especially when he asks for it. Make sure he feels safe and loved, even when you are putting boundaries in place and setting.expectations and honestly telling him when he's not meeting them. Kids come through these kinds of situations, especially when there is a safe loving parent helping him.

Be kind to yourself

You poor thing. For what it's worth you are not a useless parent, you are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. I'm so sorry for you and your son to lose the woman that brought him in to the world. That must be really difficult.

I'd suggest a few things:

• Request a health visitor visit and see if they can make a referral to pediatrics
• Look for 'resourced nursery settings' within you local authority, not all nurseries are the same, some early years provisions are more centred around the needs of the child and have higher adult to child ratios.
• Contact the LA SEND team, they often have different names in different areas. Where I live it would be something like this: https://www.stockport.gov.uk/directories/entry/sendiass
• Over the summer stick to him like glue if you can at the soft plays, or go to to the SEN sessions which are run at quieter times. I'm not saying your child has a diagnosable condition but he does, at the moment, present with higher needs.
• FWIW - my child has an autism diagnosis, but presents quite high functioning at times, but at the age of two/three would just go for other kids at points. He's got support in place and is much better now (though it it a journey!)
• See if there is a 'riding the rapids' course where you live which is a parent course to help parents understand children with more complex needs, you don't need a diagnosis to join.

Parenting is very hard! You are doing a good job x

He needs 1:1 for nursery. If you contact local authority they can give you list of places with spaces. Be honest and look at applying for ehcp.

contact some charities:
Sure start if one in your area

Try websites:
sen sos
NAS
Ipsea
Mencap
Some have advice lines.

Absolutely this OP.

And actually children can feel safer with boundaries. It's fine you said you were cross; that's how he knows what is acceptable. You didn't shout, you didn't hit, you just answered honestly.

I actually think it's adorable that he asked: clearly he looks up to you.

I lost my husband when my son was 5 (obviously bit older than ur son when his mum died). Our relationship was a role reversal one in that he was stay at home dad and I the bread winner. When my husband died I was devastated and struggled to cope. I had no idea how to do any of the traditional 'mum' things. I struggle to even use the washing machine! My son was diagnosed ASD when 7 and is 16 now and doing very well but there where about 3-4 years of things being very difficult with his behaviour, school etc. Looking back now I can see that after my husband died I emotionally shut down - it was obviously a coping strategy on my part and I nolonger blame myself for this but I do wonder if this negativity effected my son as I must have seemed cold, distant and unfeeling. It reality I was feeling too much and was trying to suppress those emotions just so I could keep things together. Not sure what I'm trying to say but you are not alone and there are many parents I'm sure.out there struggling with things too. I wish you all the best and remember even if it doesn't seem possible your best is all you can do and things will get better x

OP I see similarities with my little one and yours - right down to having been thrown out of nursery and mine hasn’t been through the trauma of losing a parent, so please don’t feel like you’re failing.

We managed to find another nursery, and since going there he has thrived. Sometimes a more structured setting helps them know what they’re expected to be doing (and not come up with their own ideas).

I avoid soft play like the plague because the over stimulation brings out the worst in him. Things I do instead are going to the park one on one or with a friend, and swimming. He’s basically a nicer person when he’s outside.

Encourage him to come to you for cuddles when he’s feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Tell him he can do this before you go into busy places. And stuff him with all the snacks before going to play group or whatever; low blood sugar is not your friend. There’s no shame in this being crisps if it jeeps everyone happy.

Keep on at your GP for an assessment; they’re supposed to prioritise people in crisis with it sounds like you are.

I have sen kids and most useful course was 'the incredible years', you can buy the book but course is amazing and Iv completed a few courses.
Mine was through sure start but othwr organisations in area may run them

My son was exactly like this at that age. I had to helicopter over him and literally grab his hand before he hurt someone. He was non verbal at the time and couldn’t express his needs. We worked out after speaking to our local (now closed down due to lack of funding) autism parents support charity that he was displaying the extreme challenging behaviours as he couldn’t cope with the sensory overload of being at busy places and he knew we would leave. Also if it was a younger child the crying would hurt his ears so badly he would be very very anxious anticipating they could cry any minute so he would try to make them cry so he was in control of the crying and then would try to make them stop. Same with dogs and barking he would try to make them bark which was very worrying at the time with some of the more snappy dogs. He’s since become quite verbal and also he’s grown out of randomly attacking strangers now he’s older we know his limitations and he verbalises his needs much more now thankfully. He’s actually the most kindest gentlest boy with babies young children and dogs now and would never dream of hurting them. he was diagnosed autistic with a learning disability and sensory processing difficulties age 3 and we’ve adapted where we go and what we do around what he can tolerate and life is much better. I remember age 3 was one of the most difficult stages for us (I’d just had a baby too and had to keep them separated with a physical barrier in the way) I really do hope you have support in place. Maybe reach out if there ware any local support groups in your area with mums in a similar situation x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it's like trying to raise such small children when you're grieving the loss of your wife at the same time. His behaviour could be trauma linked – it might have been the sight of the other child with his mother that triggered him. I don't know what bereavement support is out there for children as young as him, but maybe it's a good starting point.

This sounds really tough, I’m so sorry for what you and your boys have been through. I’m proud of you for reaching out and seeking advice.

School nursery sounds good, I’d request a meeting with the SENCO beforehand and discuss his needs. They should be able to apply for EIF funding, it may be he accesses nursery on a reduced time table to begin with.

Also you don’t need a diagnosis to apply for DLA so look into that and you could use some of this money to seek specialist therapy.

For now, I’d seek out places like woodlands and nature trails, national trusts and similar so you can get the boys outside without being in an over stimulating environment.

I’m so sorry, this too shall pass.

I don't have any advice but I wanted to express sympathy for your situation. That sounds so hard. I really hope you find the support you need.

Haven't read the whole thread op but - he needs an EHCP and you will eventually get the correct diagnosis. If you can afford it pay privately for autism and adhd process - it's about 2 grand. It will save years of waiting. I know its unfair but if you can, pay it.

Also - I can promise you - once you work out what is triggering his meltdowns you will find you see less of them. For example - soft play when its busy - if he can't handle that environment you will learn that and you won't take him there anymore.

My daughter is 12 - she has had an autism diagnosis since she was 7, so we saw it young.

SHe used to be violent - she isn't now because I know how to support her, she is calmer, regulated - I would never take her places that would stress her out.

You are doing an amazing job and i promise - just beause he is dysregulated and violent now absolutely does not mean it will stay this way.

My daughter used to throw chairs - and knives! she is so much calmer now. I promise, when you can understand him better and you understand his triggers - you will see a different child. It's very very hard but keep going, find support, find people in real life who understand SEN behaviour.

No additional advice to give but just wanted to say, you sound like an amazing Dad doing your best in really tough circumstances.
I hope you can get the support you need, and also for you when possible as you need an occasional break even for just an hour to catch your breath x

Winston's wish can help with free counselling support and it's worth contacting child bereavement UK, Call their free national helpline 0800 02 888 40. They specialise in early years bereavement. A clinician can provide you and your boys support.

I really hope you all get the support you need, it is too much for one person to cope with alone.

This - I had to do this at times and yes it's unhelpful when child is perceived as much older than they are - I learnt to be very vocal about actual ages.

Ask the HV and GP again for any local support -

This NHS page has some links to charties that may be able to help.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/children-and-bereavement/

Small children can have age appropriate therapy - might involve puppets, a sand tray, art, stories. It isn't going to be talking therapy.

I’d contact social services and ask for help- they won’t take him off you or anything; they can signpost to support.

I’m so sorry he lost his Mum, that is awful. I’d try and find specialist child psychologists and bereavement counsellors who specialize in counselling bereaved young children. I think Cruse is the bereavement charity; ask them for recommendations.

If you have Home Start near you, ask for help.

I’d also contact GP and ask about SEN diagnosis.

I really rate this website on a range of topics and I hope some of these resources might be helpful for you. https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/guide/concern-anger-and-agression