AIBU for refusing to go on a couples' holiday because my partner didn't want my son to come?

[Jackthecool]

I’m a single dad with full custody of my 7-year-old son. His mum isn't in the picture, so it’s always been just the two of us against the world. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year, and while she gets along great with him, she definitely prefers our "adults-only" time when my mum babysits once a week.
For her upcoming milestone birthday, she wants to go on a two-week tropical holiday. I assumed we’d make it a family trip, but she explicitly asked that my son stay behind with my elderly parents so we could have "romantic, uninterrupted time." Two weeks is way too long for me to leave him, especially since he deals with mild separation anxiety, so I told her I could only manage a 3-day weekend alone, or we’d have to bring him along.
She is now furious, claiming I have "no identity outside of being a father," that I'm suffocating my kid, and that she deserves to be a priority for her birthday. My family thinks she's being incredibly short-sighted to expect a single parent to abandon their child for a fortnight, but she feels totally rejected. AIBU for digging my heels i
n?

YANBU.

She's not for you if she can't cope with you being a father.

I don't have DC, but even I know that 2 weeks away from a DS who has one parent who is out of the picture is really not on. But then I actually like hanging out with kids - and at 7 years old, they are so interesting & have a unique view of the world.

She’s immature and gaslighting you.

Your suggestion was reasonable, but not good enough in her mind, which tells you everything you need to know about the future of the relationship.

Continue to prioritise your DS.

I’m sorry but I doubt that you’re compatible long term; she’s barely tolerating your son and he deserves so much more.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that anyone who doesn’t have kids ‘doesn’t get it’.

There are plenty of people out there without kids (me included), who completely understand that a parent has to put their child’s needs first and wouldn’t be this selfish.

@Jackthecool I don’t think you two are compatible. You offered her a reasonable alternative and she threw a tantrum. Although her thinking you could ditch your child on your parents for 2 weeks in the first place, is delusional.

She needs to date someone without children, and you need to date someone who understands your responsibilities to your child.

There are plenty of people out there without kids (me included), who completely understand that a parent has to put their child’s needs first and wouldn’t be this selfish.

Absolutely. It's called having normal human empathy!

Your priority is your child which is completely understandable.

She is not the right person for you and just sounds selfish and immature.

She will never be step-mother material.

Some parents seem to be okay with leaving their young children to go on 1/2 week child-free holidays - I am not one of these parents, but I guess if they feel comfortable with it and the kids are well cared for by whoever they're left with, then it's their choice.

You're telling your (childless, so no personal experience) girlfriend that you're not comfortable with doing that and she isn't respecting your decision. It's fine for her to be disappointed, but ultimately if she doesn't respect your (very reasonable and understandable) decision then I'd take it as a sign of the future struggles you'll have in the relationship.

She expects to be your priority. Maybe this is just me, but I think once you have children as a couple, both adults in the couple have a mutual understanding that the priority is now the children, and that you have to put them first when it comes to things like this. I guess the dynamic is much harder when your partner is not the parent of your child(ren).

Gosh she's definitely not the right person for you if she's unable to do 'family' time!

Your son is more important than anything else in your life until he becomes an adult.
if she can’t understand that, I don’t see a future

My god, if she's like this now with wanting you to see the best side of her, what would see be like if you got married? I can't believe you're actually putting up with this. Put your son first and don't just not go on holiday with her but end it asap. Poor kid x

I agree with you, two weeks is too long to be away from your son. Just gently raising this question - do you think this relationship is going to last? It sounds like she isn't keen on your son so I'm not sure how well she would fit into your life long term.

Your boy is only 7 and has no mum in his life so I understand you try to make up for this. You sound like a lovely dad - too lovely to be dictated to by a miss pushy, immature madam of a gf. I'm guessing she doesn't have kids so she will never understand you must put your boy first. My advice is get rid.

This exactly.

Not wanting to be too tragic but look at the story of little Artbur Lobinjo Hughes the father was fine until he met that monster who tortured and killed his son, don't entertain anyone who is not kind to your DS, he should come first

While I do believe that men have to find a way to balance the priority of kids with the priority of a new relationship (otherwise the relationship won't last), on this ocassion I think your partner is in the wrong. Your child is very young, and 2 weeks is quite long. I wouldn't, for all the love in the world, leave a 7 year old for a fortnight, especially if it's not a 50/50 custody where at least they are used to not seeing me for periods of time. You say that you have your boy most of the time (if I read this right) so he is too young for you to just vanish without him. I think the options you gave your partner were completely reasonable.

Jeez she’s acting like your son is a pet that can be left for a couple of weeks with a family member.

This relationship has run its course already. Your son is your priority now and will be for the foreseeable future. She need someone with no ties, that’s not you. Do yourself and your son a favour and end it. Your son will soon pick up on the fact she doesn’t want him around.

Yep. She doesn't like or want your kid around if she can help it. Throw her back.

@LivingTheDreamish

well, what’s not true - every parent has an identity of their own besides being a parent! It’s more healthy otherwise