AIBU for refusing to go on a couples' holiday because my partner didn't want my son to come?

[Jackthecool]

I’m a single dad with full custody of my 7-year-old son. His mum isn't in the picture, so it’s always been just the two of us against the world. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a year, and while she gets along great with him, she definitely prefers our "adults-only" time when my mum babysits once a week.
For her upcoming milestone birthday, she wants to go on a two-week tropical holiday. I assumed we’d make it a family trip, but she explicitly asked that my son stay behind with my elderly parents so we could have "romantic, uninterrupted time." Two weeks is way too long for me to leave him, especially since he deals with mild separation anxiety, so I told her I could only manage a 3-day weekend alone, or we’d have to bring him along.
She is now furious, claiming I have "no identity outside of being a father," that I'm suffocating my kid, and that she deserves to be a priority for her birthday. My family thinks she's being incredibly short-sighted to expect a single parent to abandon their child for a fortnight, but she feels totally rejected. AIBU for digging my heels i
n?

Your son deserves better, and so do you.
Well done on being a good dad

Leave the Baggage

You sound like a wonderful dad. Stick to your guns.

Where do you see this relationship going long term? Sounds like she’s not keen to take on your son in any long term meaningful way. If you stay together this is the woman who will step parent your child and it doesn’t sound like she’s up for that sort of a commitment and cannot accept you and your so. Are a package. You need to be clear to her that your child comes first

Someone's it gives the bloke a place to live. Sometimes they get a " ready made family" without the responsibility of the kids, Sometimes they become a " 3rd child" as if the woman is running around after 2 kids she might as well run round after him.

Well done for not acquiescing to this.

How can she possibly expect you to go away from your young son for such a long time?

She doesn’t sound very nice and I can’t see how the relationship would have legs, if she thinks you aren’t going to put your son first.

@Thechaseison71 But then that's on her.
My husband has been nothing but an exceptional stepdad since my sons were 6 and 9 - they're 16 and 19 now.
As for not "having the responsibility of his own kids" - he was married before he met me but they were unable to have children. A very amicable divorce.
Seeing him as a wonderful stepdad made me realise that he would also have been a great dad. We were blessed with a little girl of our own whom he is also an exceptional dad to. His first and last bio child ❤️

You are such a lovely father, and you are correct to prioritise your son.

The woman sounds selfish and immature.

Ok it worked for you. Not the same for everyone.

I certainly wouldn't ever be with a man with kids myself. Nor did I expect any partner of mine to move in and support mine.

Hopefully with this woman she will follow my example and avoid blokes with kids like the plague

My current partner is the only one who had kids and they had grown up and left home before we got together

She’s obviously being unreasonable expecting you to do a fortnight away from your son. But not being a parent herself she maybe doesn’t fully understand what a wrench that would be for you both.

That being said, do you think you’d ever be able to do ‘couple-y’ things with a partner or would whoever you pair up with have to be ready to jump right into the deep end of fitting into a family unit? Because that’s quite a big ask. If you want to have a relationship with someone childless you do need to be able to make enough room in your life to focus on the relationship between the two of you.

You’re not wrong at all. But when I first met now DH, he was in a very similar position to you and 17 years on (and now with two more kids of our own), he and I have still never been on holiday together just the two of us. I won’t lie, sometimes it bothers me more than it should. It’s a big regret pf mine for us and our relationship. We don’t have any memories together as just a couple - there’s always been at least one child with us always. At the time I just accepted it for what it was but I find that in our rockier periods when we’re not feeling as connected, that lack of a ‘bedrock’ of us as a twosome really becomes obvious. I do find myself wishing he’d made the effort to make a bit more space for us. Not at the expense of time with his child, but I definitely think in the early days he had a lot of anxiety about leaving them which was probably unfounded.

It’s complicated when there’s a child involved. Their needs are paramount but if you want someone to share their life with you, you can’t expect to have it all your way all the time. If that is what you want then better to stay single and just date casually.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but to me this just sounds like your partner wants to spend some quality time with you, and there's nothing wrong with that. Of course she prefers time just the two of you. As a mum myself I prefer time with just my husband! It's understandable that she feels rejected when you say you can't spend more than 3 days with just her.

On the flip side, it's perfectly reasonable for you to not feel comfortable leaving your son and for putting him first. So it's a difficult situation.

How would your son feel about it? Could you compromise by taking baby steps with time away from your son - even I wouldn't leave my children for 2 whole weeks and they are pretty independent with 2 parents involved. I'm doing the first weekend abroad away from them ever soon (both of us, they will stay with family ) and my eldest is 7 and I'm anxious about it!

Maybe see how a long weekend away feels, and if it's ok then next time try longer.

To me it doesn't sound like your partner is horrible, she just feels she wants to spend quality time with you and isn't feeling prioritised. She just doesn't sound like she has a great understanding of why that's hard for you, especially if she has no children herself. Uninterrupted time is still important in a relationship but it has to work for both of you.

I would talk about it and try work something out that is a compromise.

Long weekend of luxury, fair enough. Two weeks at 7 with the "boyfriend". No. It happened to me a lot at that age. Have two adult SC now, been in their lives since their early teens (so the hormones era!). I never made demands on their father's time even when they were were flaky re times, arrangements and bad decisons! Now, me, DH, SD and SS are a solid family unit. Their DM is an odd one and doesn't offer any hospitality or support. They visit as a courtesy.

Yes but ALL the time is this fathers tine. So I'm not quite sure when they spend a decent amount of couple time together

Children come first. I have learned that those who truly love you will understand this.

@Thechaseison71 Do you mean you don't have any kids of your own?

What makes you think that. I have 3. What point are you trying to make,?

I raised my child on my own since he was 7. I don’t think there is nothing wrong for your partner to wish for some couples time without a child around. Even a happily married woman would wish for that from time to time.

I don’t think I would have left my child for 2 weeks at that age, but we could certainly have managed a week if he was staying with someone he knew well and fell comfortable with so IF your child has a good relationship with your family, I wouldn’t see an issue.

I’m forever grateful to the man in my life who took me as a package with my child, but it would have been totally unfair on him for me not to make some adults only time possible for the relationship to develop and stay strong. At the end of the day, everybody has the right to be at the front of the queue from time to time.

I know we divorced people carry an immense wish to make things right for our children, but contrary to popular belief, focusing 100% on your child is too much pressure for a child to bear, particularly a single child. If in doubt about what is the best way forward about anything, whether going on holidays for a week or saying yes to a stupidly expensive new toy, always ask yourself the question “if his mum and I were still together, what I would say about this request?”

If you wouldn’t leave him for more than 3 days, so be it, but if you would be convincing him he would have a great time with you family… then you know.

Dump her

This. Please prioritise your 7 yo child

When I met my DP I was in your position - single parent to a 7 year old. I told him early on that my child was my priority, and he told me he would respect me less if that weren't the case. He's stayed true to his word and taken us as a package deal. And, we have a lovely relationship and family. You cannot leave a 7 year old for two weeks, and whether she likes it or not, being a single parent is a core part of your identity. This relationship is not for you.

@Thechaseison71 Oh I see. So you don't want a man moving in and supporting yours. That's fair enough. My husband and I obviously live together but I don't expect him to financially provide for my sons in the main.

Red flag. She is not a keeper. Your son is your number 1 priority. He comes first for you. No decent person would expect a parent to leave their child for 2 weeks to go on holiday. She's trying to make you chose between them. To be honest if I was in your shoes I would end the relationship. She will only get worse in her behaviour towards your son.

No even my son's dad didn't move in with me and my daughters. My kids my problem

I'm not a hypocrite. I wouldn't be prepared to put up with some blokes kids so I wouldn't expect him to put up with mine

@Thechaseison71 Where does your son live then? Were you not married or living together with the father at any point?

read the post - 1 year.