To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

If OP @ArcanaQueen has sent a message to the group or the party girl, then hope she feels better about it all now. Maybe she’ll update this thread with the outcome or maybe she won’t which is entirely her prerogative of course.

But this friend clearly doesnt care about OP's feelings does she? She literally ASKED her not to attend her event. Almost every single person in this thread has agreed it's hurtful AF, even if we all have different opinions on how to deal with it.

Plus, it's camping. She hasn't hired a hall with a maximum capacity number - it will make zero difference if one extra person comes camping on Friday so clearly this person couldn't give a flying fuck about OP's feelings and she doesnt want her there for some reason. I am all for being honest about how you feel ion most situations but in a blatant fuck you snub as this is, it wont achieve anything at all except make the OP look needy and a bit pathetic. If she puts a long "I'm really hurt" message in the group chat she is going to come across as whiny and petty and if she's causing trouble on someone's birthday. It will backfire spectacularly.

The best approach here is simply not to engage at all. Dont go to the weekend, dont pick the cake up, and decline saying you cant make it/have made other plans. That way, noone can accuse her of starting drama. Then, after this is all over she can decide whether she even wants to stay friends with this person or distance herself entirely from the birthday bitch.

@ArcanaQueen I think there have been a lot of good suggestions on this post-but the person who is going to face the aftermath of the decision is only you.

I think you need to step away from the thread-which would def wind me up if I were you-and think about what you want the aftermath to be.

Do you want to stay in the group?
Can you remain friendly with the birthday girl after this?

There are no right or wrong answer-just how you feel.

FWIW I think it was a very hurtful and unpleasant thing to do to you-I agree with someone upthread who said if it had been a couple of ppl you could sort of understand but that fact that it is only you stings.

You can go Saturday and try and rise above the slight but of course they will already have a shared experience and it may make you feel worse to hear them laughing about friday night.
I think if it was me I would bow out completely-but not in a friendship ending way.

Although asking you to pick up the cake is such an asshole thing to do.

Just reply saying that something has come up and you can't make the weekend after all. You hope they have a great time etc.

Then you can see how things unfold and decide how to go forward.
Good luck...

And please update!!

I would own very hurt too but I wouldn’t raise it with your children, tell them ye are going on Sat and bringing the cake.

Sadly I have been you in a 'close friendship circle' and the main mouthpiece started doing shit like this and I just walked away from the lot of them as I cannot bear mean girl energy. She is giving you the slow fade/showing you you are of lesser importance. If you want to go sat for a few hours and see the lay of the land then do but say no to collecting the cake. Leaving you out and then using you is something this mouth in my old group did.

hmmm. Don't you think that its putting the children into a situation where the BB can hurt them, demean them?

I can understand why you're hurt. Being the only one in the friendship group not invited for the full weekend would sting. It may genuinely be about keeping numbers down rather than how she feels about you. I'd still go on Saturday, enjoy the celebration, and try not to read too much into it unless it's part of a bigger pattern.

not inviting one person out of a total of six is "keeping the numbers down"? really???

This.
She's let you know exactly where you stand in her world, so now you can relegate her to the same place in yours.

I'd find something else to do for the weekend and enjoy yourself.

To give another perspective; in a group of six one of them organised a gathering and left one of the women out. I, completely assuming she had missed her accidently replied all on the message pointing out her error. She was immediately added in with apologies and explanation of being distracted.

The gathering went ahead and many glasses of wine later I was cornered by the organiser and her sidekick berating me for not just going along with the five people on the list.

I was shocked and said I'd no idea she was being excluded and I wouldn't have wanted to be a part of that.

So don't assume they are all in on it.

The mind boggles at how people can act like this and think it is normal behaviour and expect others to just accept it without any judgment.
Surely the others in the group will ask where you are when you don't arrive on the Friday evening? Also, how will the BB benefit from you not being there? Is it related to the cost of food or refreshments?
As for the cake, I know where I’d like to put it 😂

I agree and that is why I suggested a calm and measured comment sent to all the group......always good to know who your friends are....and if the BB is happy to do it then surely she is happy for everyone else in the group to know what she did? Cake arranger person obvs knows because she asked OP to pick up the cake on saturday "because the rest of us will already be here" But its totally conceivable that BB has told the others that the Op had said that she "couldn't make it on friday but would love to be there for the rest of the weekend"

Thanks all. I’ve received a further, warmer message with more explanation. I’m not going to go into detail as I think it could identify the family — re very particular things they’ve been through — but suffice to say they’ve been under stress in the past and some effects are still around. Although I think I would have handled things a bit differently if I were hosting, I’m opting for being gracious but realising my place for the future and seeing it as a sign to focus more on my individual friendships rather than the group. PS. I’m not bringing the cake.

I am glad that you have had an outcome that you feel ok with. Whatever you do I hope you have a lovely weekend with your family.

I wonder if Birthday Girl is on Mumsnet and saw what people thought of her behaviour?

You’ve been treated badly and there’s really no excuse. I eat out in a group, there are “favourites “ I despise what it’s become. Good luck - glad you aren’t doing the cake, my thoughts are with you xx

From what you have written I would say that BB is creating unnecessary stress and bad feeling by doing things like singling people out. It takes time and thought and not nice conversations having to tell people that despite the rest of a group going they aren’t invited.

I would say you only got a nicer explanation because she recognised herself in here

I wonder if you hadn’t posted would she have given you an explanation.

I personally would know that she knew what I posted and why she had tried to smooth things over.

Agree this is too coincidental to be anything other than that. Didn’t see your message first

I had something similar but only realised on the night that others had been invited to a longer celebration that included the whole weekend!

It made me feel really shit but actually I think the decision was more about how well my partner knew the other partners and how well my kids knew the other kids. The judgement was made on the dynamic rather than just me.

It hurt a lot but I’ve completely moved on (although I didn’t think I’d be able to at the time!). Don’t make any rash decisions.

Yep. She has read this post

Move on, focus on positive friendships and not these sort of people.

Don’t say this.

I was thinking that in a friendship group of six women aged 50 it is very likely they became aware of the thread.

Good! Maybe they can see how their actions are viewed and do better.

It sounds like you're being very gracious. I would find it very hard to think of any explanation that would justify this behaviour, to be honest, but ultimately I hope that the wider group makes more effort to care for you.

Do the others in the group not think it's rude/odd that you haven't been invited on the Friday too? I honestly wouldn't go to the whole weekend, I'd politely decline & do something nice with family

Same- I am struggling to think of exactly what "stress" might cause someone to deliberately exclude someone from a friendship group and actually ask them not to come to a friendship event 🙄 If this person can handle 5 other friends being there then frankly, it seems a BS excuse to me.

The only thing I can think of is that her husband has a crush on you (and even then thats not your problem, its hers).