To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

It’s hard isn’t it? It’s why I never become a ‘core member’ of any friendship group in my life from teens till now. I won’t abide the side lining and bullying in groups and won’t toe the line on unspoken queen bee worship expectations.

Dumbledore said it best “it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies but a great deal more to stand up to your friends” (or similar)

Not everyone has the courage or is willing to risk their place in the hierarchy and their ongoing inclusion in friendship groups by being that one person that goes “errrrr why isn’t X invited?”

Most people just go along with it like it’s a completely normal and ok thing to do. Even when it glaring is not.

Being hurt is valid. Pandering to it, letting it take up so much headspace and allowing birthday bitch to dominate the group in this way is entirely on the OP and the rest of the group I'm afraid. It's clear that OP isn't considered part of this group by the birthday bitch at least. The only dignified thing OP can do is politely but firmly tell her that she has hurt her feelings and considers the friendship over and then allow the others to arrange alternative meetings if they value her friendship

Hurtful to be left out. Part of me would be stubborn/not go. Op is it a nice group otherwise. Ah not nice though

i think everyone saying they would be storming off and saying “fuck that” are reacting very strongly, maybe overreacting even

you are not that close to her, she will have lots of different groups there, and she cannot include everyone in her life (or does not want to and that is fair enough in my book)

i’d still go

but the friend who asked you to pick up the cake is lacking in sensitivity here and I would say sorry that part does not work for me, you 5 can sort the cake you ordered

so I advocate just a mini strop to the insensitive friend 😁😁😁 but other than that I’d just go off I felt like going

That’s terrible

I think the same, OP states her and the birthday girl aren't close. Of course it might still sting but if she is genuinely keeping numbers down then that's just how it goes. At least its super clear on where OP stands with this friend and if there was any doubt to their closeness this shows it.

Just go enjoy Saturday, definately don't be doing an favours and carry on with being part of the group because why ruin it for yourself.

I think we all think we are close to people but the reality for them might be different.

You can’t be “a bit autistic” that’s like saying “I’m a bit pregnant”. Sounds like she is trying to blame her poor behaviour on a condition she doesn’t have.

Seems strange to exclude one person from the 6 friendship group?! I’d take it personally and would text back the friend asking about cake, sorry I’m not able to collect the cake as I’m not coming. I was quite upset to have been excluded from Friday night as I thought we were all good friends?! I’d message the birthday girl something similar too.

I think 2 key things are whether she is paying for it all and whether the rest of the group know you are not going because you aren’t invited rather than bc you can’t make it.
It can be really hard to build these long standing friendships. I think I would go but if anyone asks why I wasn’t there on the Friday I would bluntly tell them I wasn’t invited. I would not collect the cake and would keep my distance from the birthday person.

'So I'm not good enough to be invited but I am good enough to run round after you, doing errands? Fuck off.'

What you don't do is drop one person out of six "to keep the numbers down" If there are six of you and sometimes only two or three do something together, then that's not a problem. Excluding one is just plain nasty. It seems as though at least one other of the group knows that the OP won't be there until saturday as that's why she was asked to brink the cake but to be fair, they may not know that she hadn't been asked for the friday. I don't think that being calmly open with the group about the situation is overrreacting. I mean either they all know and are ok about it or cowed by birthday bitch or they don't know and I'd judge them by how they react.
My feeling is that to call someone a friend, I need a certain amount of trust in them. My trust in birthday bitch would be long gone, the others? Well I'd have to see.
I have met people who need a victim (have been the victim) and wonder if that could be what is behind the birthday bitch behaviour. maybe her previous victim, who wasn't in this friendship group, has somehow sopped being of use and she needs a new one. Its pretty classic behaviour....small tight group, always lovely to them all except one gets singled out to test the waters....will the victim knuckle down? will the rest of the group go along with the ploy?

I was thinking of the sabotaging the cake suggestions also revelatory messages on the group chat. It someone's birthday others will generally fall in to support the event and arent necessarily thinking it's their issue- whether or not that's right.
The issue is with the Birthday woman. But even she can misrepresent a conversation which would portray you in a bad light. . So I'm just saying keep dignified and watch how you do whatever it is. .

I wouldn't attend, not giving up my weekend for someone who isn't fussy about me.

I don't agree many people are not diagnosed but know they have traits and their families and friends can see it.

I'd shorten that and cut out the "feeling hurt" BB WANTS her to feel hurt.
I'd just say "I can't bring the cake as I won't be there. BB told me that I wasn't invited on the friday to keep the numbers down so have made other plans for the weekend."
No vulnerability, no neediness. No fucks given.

well she has the text that BB sent and can share it if its necessary.

It doesn't make sense does it?

If it was to do with Op's husband/son then you would have expected birthday bitch to say that?

If she's anxious/nervous about a big party-don't have one!

The others would already know.

Having read your update about your kid's Dad passing away... I do think that "friends" who clearly know this history could have been kinder, whatever justification they are putting forward for leaving one person out and inviting the rest.

The birthday girl could also make OP out to be the bad guy if she expresses her hurt or throws a last minute sickie. In fact, if OP does anything other than suck it up, bring the cake and plaster on a smile all evening, the birthday girl may make her out to be the bad guy.

That’s why I would drop the rope and politely step away. I can’t control what other people think or say about me, but I can stop caring about it and I can stop playing their game.

in the face of a text from BB?

I think you should play the long game on this to avoid losing any friendships.

Go to the Saturday and play nice.

In the background start withdrawing a bit and find some way to plan an event without this one because of “cost” etc.

Best reply ever.

@Namechangewegovyjune26 I agree that the OP shouldn't lose the friendship group over this.

Personally, I wouldn't go and just say that I can't make it that weekend. Whatever the OP decides, she should keep it simple and not involve the entire group through texts expressing her hurt, etc. Or she'll go and play nice as you suggest.

Afterwards carry on as normal but be aware that this person regards you as a second-tier friend so don't go out of your way for them.

I don't know. When I look back at my wedding I made some pretty mad decisions about the guestlist which I am grateful to have been given grace for! If you can, I'd let it roll off you, go to the party on Saturday with the cake and a big smile, your shoulders back and forgive her for being a dick as her birthday present.