To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

I know this all too well as well. Really hurt at the time but it really did say more about them than it did me.

You can’t.

‘Host was trying to keep numbers low so I’m not invited for the weekend with you all, so we have made plans for that weekend as a family now, as you know it’s been a hard time for my children losing their Dad so we will be having a weekend away. Have a great time! :)’

In my vengeful imagination I’d love to agree to bring the cake, then be a complete no-show and plead misunderstanding:
‘I thought you had disinvited me from the whole weekend so presumed you’d made alternative cake arrangements’

I also suspect this is about the kids. Especially if yours are boys and they all have girls.

but you only mention uour son. Do you maybe have a young child?

She can’t write this she’s remarried so as hard as it is for her kids, it won’t be recent and she can’t weaponise it. Plus no one wants a pity invite.

Ffs don't get the cake, that's so insulting.
Personally I wouldn't turn up to Saturday either and say sorry I have plans with family.
What a cunt.

yup and 2 out of a group of six going somwhere together is nowhere near the same as just dumping one person.

Or better yet say you can get the cake then don't pick it up and say sorry I'm ill last minute 😂 hope you've made alternative arrangements!

Yes, you're right. That's actually a better reaction. Either way, be unavailable. This so called friend is the one who has blown up the group.

I agree @godmum56. Don't blow things up.

As there are others going cross on the Saturday I can't think why one of them wouldn't be asked to take the cake rather than the one person who has been uninvited from the Friday.

That’s appalling

I don't think there are. OP was asked to collect the cake "because all the rest of us will already be there."

This is so wise and the truth.
I wouldn't dream of going.
I wouldn't mention the cake, as how it gets there is fxxk all to do with you.
I also wouldn't say a word to anyone about it.
You simply couldn't make it.

you don't get as old as I am without learning at least one thing!

I think you should answer her question honestly, about whether you will mind. If, as you say, she's autistic, she may have missed the fact that what she's doing is really socially unacceptable and may have ongoing complications for the social dynamics of the group. I would be quite blunt in your answer, give her space to backtrack and be gracious if she does.

"I'm a bit surprised to be honest, because I thought I was a valued member of the friendship group so being the only one who isn't included on Friday night is quite hurtful. I understand the stress of keeping numbers down, but I thought i was more than a number!"

See how she responds.

I think I’d just have a Saturday plan elsewhere that made it sound like a better offer and make your excuses.
it depends how much you valued this friendship. It sounds like it’s nice that you travel
away together so if you want to continue to do that I wouldn’t necessarily blow up the group chat and make a big deal of it.

I just this this example is a more elegant way of dealing with things. It gives space for you to continue being part of the group activities if that’s what you like, and doesn’t create any drama which is fairly easy for her to explain away and make you unfortunately look unreasonable or prone to overreaction

Even if she is A Bit Autistic wouldn't one of the remaining 4 said hang on you've left op out and that's crappie..

Sorry but I strongly disagree. To state honestly that something is hurtful and upsetting does not make you weak or a victim. There is nothing to be won or lost because OP didn't agree to enter a fight. She's stating her feelings and drawing boundaries without dropping to anyone else's level. And she's shining a spotlight on the bad behaviour from other parties.

Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming

That's from the first post.

ETA maybe the "friends" have organised the cake?

@ArcanaQueen This is perfect!

its not what it makes you, its how the Bitch sees it. And you can be attacked without giving your permission. i didn't give permission for neighbours to attack and try to victimise me but they did it. And it wasn't saying that I was hurt or upset that stopped it.

To be honest I don't really want to do group party weekends like a 20 something.

So I was told I only needed to attend one night, I would think you were doing me a favour.

Why does she want to keep numbers low for Friday but not Saturday? Sounds mean and petty. I wouldnt go at all and tell her why. If she is a true friend she will apologise and feel like a c*. If she says OK then she isnt worth your time.