Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Your poor daughter. She is excluded by adults who cannot be mature enough to respect their children's friend choices. The parents are controlling by dictating who can attend their child's party. What a lesson to teach a young child.
Great that some have time to chat but that is not something everyone has time to do. How sad that a young child is 'punished ' by adults because her parents won't chat at the school gate.

I am surprised this has influenced the child’s invites to such an extent though. And that another child has relayed the message. Most people invite all the kids, or their kids’ friends, regardless of the parents.

But I do hate the negative comments about ‘school mums’. There are so many comments on MN judging the people who pick up their kids and talk to people they know. They’re called gossipy, bitches, cliquey etc, just for having friendship groups. I’m sure that this behaviour exists in some places but it is unfair to tar all school parents with the same brush, just because they are talking to people they like. And by parents, I mean mums.

Yes private. He was there from junior nursery at 3 so by age 8 he'd already had 5 years of getting to know his classmates.

A lot of people move to a new area when they have kids - perhaps priced out of a city, perhaps moving to be near better schools. Some people move back near parents or in laws after 10 or more years away.

DH and i moved to a commuter village a year before eldest was born & didnt have any mates here then. Most people here move from london and want to make a circle of local friends. We've now lived here over 10 years and most of our mates are "mum friends" and we love it!

It probably helps that we work in similar industries and have lots in common besides our kids.

I am exactly like this normally but not when it comes to anything related to my children. It's so easy because you have got the school in common so there are plenty of subjects.

The parents might be friends and they want to socialise at the same time. Don't take it personally lots of parties will only have a small amount of children you have to forget about it

I never did the school gates talk, mainly as I had to use wrap round care.

it did affect my DDs friendship invites to parties, she got all the invites

I expect the sentence given by the child isn't quite accurate. Maybe it is more his mum isn't friends with yours/doesn't know your mum. That might make more sense and be what the child meant, which is true for some families. If they are hosting a party, perhaps at home, and allowing parents to stay then they want people they can be comfortable with too or chat to. If you don't normally speak to anyone (and as others have said, come across as rude or looking down on them) then you aren't going to be top pick.

If I perceived you as shy, I'd do everything to welcome you and include you in a school gate conversation.
However accusing a group of women of being "gossipy" is really quite judgemental. It's highly likely they are just chatting or even being supportive of one another.

My little gang of mums at the school gate included farmers, a vet nurse, several nurses and teachers, a GP, a professional gardener, a social security advisor, a woman who worked in the local rail station, and a nuclear scientist...between us we could have solved the world's problems, let alone find someone could look after the cat while we are away.

Go and talk to them, even if just for your child's sake. She will remember.

It’s only ever women who ‘gossip’, isn’t it?

Can you imagine a group of bin men or construction workers or road workers being described as ‘gossiping’?

It’s because when they speak they are just talking and are clearly discussing important matters. Women with children obviously have nothing of value to say and are therefore gossiping

You don’t have to gossip, we moved to a new area and I’ve made an effort to at least smile and say hello to most of the parents at drop off/pick up. Even just a comment about how hot it is at the moment can really get people to warm to you. If you’re stood not making eye contact or even saying hello to parents you see regularly then I can see why they might feel uncomfortable to invite you somewhere as you may be coming across judgemental without realising it.

If you never stop to talk to them how do you know they are gossiping? I loathe this stereotyping. Social skills are taught so maybe some of your judgemental behaviour is rubbing off on your daughter and that’s why she isn't being invited to things.

My kids are mid 20s and I’m still in touch with loads of parents from their primary school.

Just been away for a weekend with two couples.

If there is a group of mums who have been friends long-term it is always going to be so much harder for that one mum who finds it harder than most to join in the conversation.
I was that one mum when my daughter was primary school age.
I'm not rude or odd. I just struggle socially due to my anxiety (agoraphobia in my case).
There are so many mums who find it hard to approach an already established group.

There is a big group of them and only one of her.
Surely if they wanted to include her it would be easier for them as a group to welcome her, rather than for her to build up the courage to join their conversation.
I always felt I would be intruding.

In this case just a simple, "Hi OP. We were wondering if you'd like to join us for coffee?", would go a long way.
Then they could get to know her rather than just assuming she's rude.

If an 8 year old is telling the other kids that that OP's DD hasn't been invited as her mum doesn't talk to the other mums, then not only are they "gossiping" but clearly doing it in front of their children!

@Asmileisworthathousandwords but to be very blunt about it people don’t have time for that. Generally people will make a couple of overtures but if these don’t go anywhere they will just move on.

Or maybe your "little gang" as an established group could welcome the OP as a mum on her own?

How weird that you think people chatting and getting to know each other is gossiping. Social arrangements aren't made on the basis of fairness but on the basis of friendships and alliances. If you exclude yourself from a group don't expect the group to include you.

Social interactions with the parents of childs friends is important as i think you are currently realising. A bit of effort will help your child .This will change as your child gets a bit older. Effort is required in interactions with primary age childrens parents by Secondary school because parent need to feel they know you in order to be comfortable with your child.Its about developing trust. This is a phase of life that passes when the children are older.

Thankfully this never happened when mine were primary age. Parents just asked their DCs who they wanted to invite. These days it seems parents include it as part of their own social networking. Totally unnecessary that a parent has to integrate themselves into the entire family before they’re offered invites to a child’s party. Not sure what the answer is OP, but I feel for you. Working parents have enough stuff to deal with without this additional crap.

I have situational mutism and ASD I never talk to anyone on the school run! If dd gets invited to parties I get DP to take her or I make an excuse!

This is silly. Maybe at 2 this would be the case, but not at 8. I don’t talk to other parents. I actively avoid them. I have friends. I don’t do idle chit chat. I don’t want school mum friends. My eldest is 13 now and neither of them have had any issues with making friends and being invited to parties.

This is either this one child/mum being a turd, or at 8, there are very few mixed parties anymore. At 8, they tend to be boys only or girls only (a parent may not want to invite one girl to a boys only party). Or they just don’t have a party or just have one friend only.

Of my 8 year old’s friends, 2 of 5 of them had a party this year (we didn’t). They were all boys both of them. I can’t say I’m friends with any of the mums really beyond talking to them if we get stuck next to each other.

But we’re talking about a child’s birthday party, taking place for a couple of hours each year, in an environment where there are other children and parents. It’s not taking them camping for a week to a remote island. It’s ridiculous that level of cautiousness for a birthday party.

The ONLY reason I’ve made an effort to be friendly with other parents at school is because of my kids. Not because I like small talk, or because I want to be friends with the parents, but because you have to build an element of trust with other parents for their kids to come for play dates.

It’s not about making parent friends for your own sake, it’s about building a network for your child.

This.
no one likes this shit, no one likes lots of stuff to do with parenting, but put yourself out

Also @Ladyoftheapple "gossiping "? Bit sexist, really