Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Agree with the others - it makes a massive difference to your child’s social life if you are friendly to the other parents. At primary age, a lot revolves around who the parents are friendly with. If a parent was unfriendly and made no effort at the school gate, their child is much less likely to get invited on play dates/ parties.

It’s also modelling good social behaviour - being friendly and showing interest in others/their kids.

If you don't feel comfortable joining in their conversations that's absolutely fine.
It shouldn't impact your daughter's friendships with their children.
Sometimes these well established groups of parents don't make it easy for parents join their circle from the outside.
There is a big group of them and only one of you. It would be far easier for them as a group to "welcome you with open arms" than it would be for you as one person to initiate conversation.
Not all of us are blessed with natural confidence. Sometimes it is really hard to make that first move alone.

I’m just past this stage and I miss it. it was a small bit of social contact before the daily grind

it isn’t gossip: it is how society works. Small talk, brighten someone’s day, oil the machine of society. I then made acquaintances and had connections for remidnnnf me when sports days war or sole daft school project; some became friends - good friends

I still do this - I chat casually in coffee shops or to the person serving me. I make chat before a meeting begins - if you are negotiating a deal and have just chatted about the weather or their cats vet appointment then you work better together.

My kids tell me I can talk to anyone and I can - you just watch for the cues if they don’t want to talk. It’s no great talent - I find people interesting though. Ask them if they have had a busy day - see where it leads you.

however in terms of this party, I wouldn’t worry: in a few years they all choose their own friends and refuse to invite your friends’ kids which becomes embarrassing!

Honestly it sounds like you are looking down on the parents chatting at the gates and maybe they have picked up on that. Ive often chatted to other parents and not once have I 'gossiped'.

Agree. You dont sound very nice frankly, OP. If you never interact with these people how on earth do you know that the only thing they talk about is "gossip"???

You sound like you think your are better than them and have far more important things to talk about so why would they even want to include you or your child when you make it abundantly clear you think they are a bunch of superficial gossips?

It does make a massive difference I was a drop and run with my first and second but by the time I had my third I learnt. I made an effort to chat and the difference in the amount of things that that child got invited to was huge. I actually felt quite bad I didn't do it with my first and second.

It sounds more like you are actively aloof and come across as snobby rather than just in a rush. I get in and out as fast as I can, but I still chat and say hi to other parents while I'm walking in.
I'd say there's probably more going on that you aren't aware of though. Maybe your daughter isn't actually as good a friend to these kids as you think, and it's a bit one sided.

Honestly I don’t get where this whole “I have to be friendly with the parents” thing comes from. My Dc have their friends, I have mine, theres a small bit of overlap but some of the parents I get on with best have children that mine absolutely do not get on with.

DD has literally one friend whose mum I talk to a lot, otherwise I barely speak to her other friends parents (we just don’t cross paths very often), their kids still get invited to things because it’s not about me it’s about the DC being around their friends and I just facilitate that.

These are separate things, I have zero desire to impose my own likes on my DC social life, it wouldn’t be fair.

Well for one thing I don’t agree with her telling her child this . Why would you say something like that to a child it’s ludicrous

an 8 year old said this?

It depends what you mean by “drop and run”. The fact you describe chatting at the school gates as “gossiping” suggests you’re a bit of a bitch in your attitude towards them and it’s likely they suspect this.

Basically, they’re unreasonable if you make the effort to be nice when you’re around but you’re just not able to be around much. They’re not unreasonable if you make zero effort to talk to them ever, avoid all possible chances of contact and make it clear you look down on their “gossiping.

I think sometimes kids get invited because their parents are right place right time as opposed to sociable, so eg you’re standing talking to a mum and it comes up in conversation so you get invited or the child runs over and says ‘oh my party is next Friday we’re going to have cake’ and they have to invite you!!

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping.

How do you imagine this behaviour is perceived by the other parents? If both parents of a kid in my kid's class were like this, I would assume that they disdained the other parents and thought themselves somehow better than everyone else. That doesn't go down well in any social scenario.

Like other posters, I am not NT and have had to work very hard at socialising for the sake of my dc. Apart from wanting to connect with the other parents (I generally like people even if I am rubbish at social communication), it's really important to build relationships within the school community so we're not out of the loop and have positive, reciprocal benefits such as emergency childcare or similar. It's also very important that my child sees me modelling positive social behaviours as reinforcement of the work school's intervention programme did with him. It has paid dividends for us, it probably would have for you too. (Not saying that your child is ND and needed this, but observing adults modelling appropriate behaviours is how children learn this stuff, not all of it is innate.)

Yes of course you need to be friendly with other families if you want other families to be friendly towards you and your child. The days when I hosted birthday parties are long gone thank goodness but yes your child invites the children that they see outside school with their families before inviting children they only see at school.

I don't think this should affect your kid. What if you don't see other parents because your child has to go to breakfast club/afternoon club every day because of work commitments? In that case, you also wouldn't be socialising with other parents at the gate just because it wouldn't be possible.Personally and at my daughter school I can think of a kid who has a parent who doesn't socialise with anyone but the kid is at most of the parties.

Your daughter has not been excluded, she is just not one of those that were included in the party. They might only have funds or space for maybe 10 people from school out of 30 children so they chose those they’re friendly with. So it’s not as if the whole class is going except your child.
I’m autistic and can’t keep a conversation long enough and get to the gates like 1 minute before it opens, long enough to smile at the school gates, ask about someone’s weekend, their day etc and then I’m off after drop off so I’m friendly enough. Your perception that people chatting are gossiping is just weird.

I agree. Admittedly it's a long time since my son was 8 but my recollection is he went to loads of parties, play dates. Neither my husband nor I stopped to chat. We did alternate weeks to drop off. There was no expectation of waiting in the school grounds-we both had work to go to. The school was in its own campus and was open any way. Collection was done by nannies.

We had our own group of friends and we didn't socialise with any of the school parents. We knew names and addresses of parents in his class as school provided lists.

You have no need to change what you are doing based on the words of an 8 year old in these circumstances

There’s a difference between not actually being at the gates because you’re working and being there but opting to ignore the other parents completely.

Its really hard to work out who your kids are really friends with if you don't interact with other parents at all.

A lot of kids if asked who they want at their party, will:

• not mention kids of the other sex even if they play together a lot
• will list popular confident children, often the older ones in the class, even if they dont play with them often
• will list whoever they played with today/this week even if they dont usually
• overlook a child with sen or disabilities

Most parents will have a hand in the invite list, so that they can do things like:

• return an invite to a child who had theirs to a party
• include an often overlooked child, especially if they are friends with that childs parents
• adjust the list to avoid inviting 13 girls & leaving off only 1
• remove a kid whom they know their child has listed because they are popular, but who actually isnt kind to their child

Yes it’s misogyny. I worked full-time but made huge efforts at the school gate and other events when I could. I was warm, friendly and inclusive. I didn’t gossip once.

In our school there are class reps who organise other opportunities for parents to meet/socialise, eg evening drinks, meals. There are pta quiz nights etc so people who can't be at the gate still have opportunities to be friendly with other parents if they want to.

Totally agree. When my son was 8 only 1 set of friends in my friendship group even had children and their children weren't at the same school as him. By 8 my son had his school friends who he saw at school and out of school but we didn't socialise with the parents.

Is "Motherland" real life? Certainly wasn't for me.

My daughter is about to turn 7 and I let her choose the guest list for her party - unless the parents were really difficult that would not be a factor. I suppose it is different if they are hosting at home (although I guess at this age it would be drop and go) or if you needed other parents to help with transport. My daughters' friends parents are not necessarily people I would gravitate towards but I think with practice you can find common ground with anyone (not least our kids).

I am naturally a reserved person but I did push myself out of my comfort zone when my DC started school to chat to most people. It does make organising and hosting playdates that much easier.

I wonder how the parents of the birthday child would handle the dads who used to come to whole classes and sit on their laptops by themselves, not talking to anyone or even joining in with singing Happy birthday.

This sounds like a very different school where everyone did that - probably private?

If nannies were dropping off, it can be that they are also involved in organising play dates and again it can be the nanny whos friendly with the other nannies whose charge gets invited more!!

Most parents will have a hand in the invite list,

By age 8? I don't recall ever having a say. Possibly because at that age they were doing whole class invitations and I just worked from the class list. There seemed to be a constant round of parties.