Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

I wouldn’t take what a child has said to another child as gospel and base anything on that. I don’t understand how your child can be such good friends with another child/children and you don’t know the parents at all Do they never have play dates? They’ve never had another party?

How do you expect the parents know where to drop them or let host know of any issues. Or should the 8 year old just grab an A-Z and make their own way 🤣

For me it’s purely logistics. I text the details to the parents, if there’s any changes on the day or they are late picking up then no issue because I know who they are.

My 8 year old controlled the guest list for the last party but I still had to contact the parents. If there was anyone who made themselves scarce at the gate or were hard to contact I may not have bothered….

and edited to add - the fact I had numbers for some of the parents was 4 years of treating it like work networking!! So that my kid could see some friends out of school etc not because I needed it.

How do you expect the parents know where to drop them or let host know of any issues. Or should the 8 year old just grab an A-Z and make their own way

My son's school issued a class list with names, addresses and telephone numbers. Although birthday parties were usually whole class at a party venue.

I’m in two minds about this. I chat at the school gates, I don’t ‘gossip’, but I do exchange pleasantries and things are often arranged through this. Just like mums who chat at pick up have this reputation of being gossips and clique (which we are not!) drop and run mums often have an air of superiority about them. So I can understand why they may have excluded your child. In saying that, if they are as close as you think, an invite should have been extended regardless, and it was a little immature of them not to invite your child.

Chatting with other Mum's at the school gate, isn't 'gossiping'! I'm not sure where you have this idea that all Mum's at the school gate are gossiping! That suggests you think that they're all talking behind each others backs and being nasty towards each other.

A small minority of parents can be like that, I grant you but the vast majority aren't. It's entirely possible, that you come across as 'unapproachable', and that might be down to your preconceived ideas regarding other Mum's!

You don't have to stand for an hour chatting, but a 5-10 minute conversation with another parent/s before school opens, wouldn't hurt.

I'm not the most sociable person, around new people but I made an effort for my son.

Yes by year 6 i did leave a couple of kids off the party list whose parents had never issued invitations to my child despite coming to our parties every year and coming to the house for playdates.
Hospitality is a reciprocal thing and i got tired of feeling taken advantage of by cf parents who never invite kids back but happily accept invitations left right and centre.

Wow.
Im suprised the school were allowed to do that.
Are you in the UK?

I would say that by 8, it wouldn’t be that important that you know the parents but if she has been in the same school since reception, that may be when the damage happened. Simply put, parents invite the children of the people that they know.

But even at 8, the best way to get a child friendship to grow is to get to know the parent of the other child as if you get along, she may get to know your child better, and invite
them more often.

I agree. I hope we can all talk to people without ‘gossiping’.

As for ‘gossiping’ - I used to love standing at the gates catching up w the parents at pick up (I used to drive to pick up as kids were tired at end of day and parking was crap so most people arrived early kids often asked for an impromptu play date too), or at drop off I’d see parents w their kids en route and we’d chat - made the mile walk much more fun!

I agree but a lot of people have a weird neurosis about other parents and see them either as potential BFFs or deadly enemies. See the endless “school gate mum” threads.

I have always found it utterly bizarre the way it brings out this sense of social fear and alienation but it does.

I'm always amazed that parents talk so much to their young children about other parents.
It's true that it might be easier in ways for parents to invite people they know - but to actually discuss that with their kids!
I would also be inclined to suggest that your DD doesn't ask about stuff like this in the future as you never hear anything good.

All that said, by 8, kids should be inviting who they want to their parties. And I kind of suspect that if someone asked my 8 year old why they weren't invited, he might have said "my mummy wouldn't let me" rather than disappoint a classmate.

Yes. It was a private school in Edinburgh. I assume we must have been asked for consent when he was enrolled and we were asked to update details annually. It was very useful to have.

I don't get this. By 8, my kids were choosing who they wanted at parties. They weren't even friends with my friends' kids. Why would you not let them invite their own friends?

Different at 4/5 when you might have the parents stay at the party.

Despite quoting my post you don’t appear to have read it. We are saying the same thing.

There was a mum like this at my DS's primary school. She never chatted at the school gates, didn't reciprocate playdates, never came to school fêtes, etc. It just seemed like she didn't really want to be involved in school community so after a couple of years I gave up inviting her child to things.

If you do want to be involved socially, a bit of effort with the other parents goes a long way.

But even at 8, the best way to get a child friendship to grow is to get to know the parent of the other child

I find that bizarre. The best way to get a child friendship to grow is to encourage and develop a likeable, friendly child.

so after a couple of years I gave up inviting her child to things.

That's just nasty-particularly if your child liked the other child.

I wanted to say this. Ir diminishes women's intellect. Am not good at small talk but when I have its not gossip. Its social talk and can be useful in dealing with situations your kids will encounter.
@Ladyoftheapple perhaps you need to stop dismissing other parents as simply gossips?

If you aren't doing whole class parties then it is a lot easier organising birthdays with a few parents that you know. Do any of them have your number? Have you ever invited them to yours or introduced yourself to the parents? How close is your daughter to these friends? Are they just the ones she plays tag with at break time or are they children who always choose to spend time with each other? All of those things will contribute to being invited/not being invited.

It was this line that stood out from your post.

Simply put, parents invite the children of the people that they know.

I invite the children who my child wants to invite. Their parents’ behaviour doesn’t come into it.

However, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to smile/say hi to people at the school gate. It’s nice to connect with people in your community, surely?

This. What’s so difficult about mingling and sharing a laugh between other parents?

I think it is a put down used by people who lack social skills to make themselves feel better.

My SIL and DB (well SIL) are both very busy and do drop offs and pick ups. But both try to speak to other parents and hence their son has lots of play dates and party invites.

My NDN and friend who’s not a social school gate mum at all recently went to a mum’s catch up in a pub (rare for her and as she has an 8 month baby too). She told me it was purely for her 7 year old daughter’s sake to make friends with mums of other kids in her class.

Why is it nasty? She didn't seem interested in being friends. My DS wasn't particularly friendly with her child anyway. Why would I keep trying to include a mum who didn't seem interested and a child who wasn't a great friend of my DS?