Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Totally been there. My youngest has been excluded from parties because "My mum doesn't know your mum"- I am never at drop off as I work early and I am only at pick up at after school club. My husband does drop off but is the only man who does so in her year group... He says hello but he's not one for small talk and frankly they are cliquey and not super inviting of the only (slightly awkward) man who is also in a rush to get to work. It really annoys me! Honestly not everyone can make school runs work around their working lives, excluding their children from things because of this is bloody mean. It's also a huge change from the 90s when you might go round someone's house on your own without your parents having even met yet!

Yes it’s an infuriating stereotype isn’t it. It’s made up by people who don’t have any social skills to excuse not joining a conversation as others must be “gossiping”.

The only dad who does drop off in her whole year group!! There’s pretty much a 50/50 split at both my DCs primary. Shocked that it’s all women, what era are you living in?!

@SpangleTwangle you don't go to do pick up yet you also seem to be a bit sexist and describing all the women as bitches

I knew someone would be surprised! I guess it's just the area I am in. Without being too revealing- inner city, quite deprived, very culturally diverse but lots of newly immigrated folk or (temporary) spousal education visas. Lots of Christians from all over as it's a church school. Not your fancy mostly white suburbs or whatever. It's almost as single-sex in my other daughters year group there is one dad who occasionally drops off but even he is rare. Also lots of single mums with no dads about. I used to be able to drop off and pick up my eldest previously so know the demographic well!!

As pp have pointed out, the sneering attitude which comes across in your op probably means that your aloofness comes across as indifference and unfriendliness. Who wants to, or has the bandwidth to engage with that parent?

So because you’re too cool for school, your daughter is missing out. What a shame.

What?
No, I didn't.

My Son is dropped by a childminder every morning, picked up by her twice a week and the other 3 pick ups I do.
I don’t gossip but I do say hello and make small talk, especially to the parents of my child’s friendship circle.
I think if you never really talk to anyone you don’t come across as approachable and people naturally invite people they don’t mind chatting to for a couple of hours.
By about 8 I’ve found with my older ones, parties really drop off, they stop doing class parties and just invite a handful.
That handful will be chosen not only on the child’s friendship circle but also who the parent as gelled with previously.
My older one is going to a secondary where he is basically the only one going, I’ve really had to put myself out there to find some families going before September.
Ive met up a few times with some, which meant by the transition day he knew some familiar faces and it wasn’t so scary for him.
It was as uncomfortable as anything, I wished I was elsewhere but the more you do it, the easier it is and sometimes you really just have to suck it up for the benefit it gives your child.

The OP hasn't said that she's struggling socially. Neither she nor her husband likes talking to the other parents. She believes that when women talk together, they're likely gossiping. If the group invited her for coffee, there's a high likelihood she wouldn't want to go because she'd assume they would just be gossiping.

The other parents may wonder why she doesn't talk to them, and they might genuinely like it if she said hello or invited them for coffee. I'm not sure why it's only the other parents' responsibility to include her when she's free to approach everyone else too. They may not be gossiping at all. They might have casually said to each other, "I wonder why she doesn't like us or talk to us," and one of the children could have overheard that conversation.

It's not always easy to tell whether someone is shy or socially awkward, or whether they simply don't want to engage with you. Again, the OP hasn't said she's struggling socially. Her husband behaves the same way. From the other parents' perspective, it could easily come across as disinterest rather than social anxiety.

Very immature parents who exclude a child for this reason. Nasty.
Decades ago you never had the school gate mum thing. Children walked to school or there was a bus for them all. Or the caught a bus themselves.

This. To be honest I would want to err on the safe side that OPjust meant making small talk but yes the picture does paint quite a thick layer of misogyny on the part of the OP. Maybe it is internalised.

OP I hate standing around making small talk also but at this age it is important to make an effort. I can guarantee that most of the women there feel the same. In a couple of years they’ll be old enough to organise it all themselves. My youngest is 11 and I don’t do anything now with regards to organising or socialising.

Gossiping? It's mostly discussing how annoying our kids are and latest perimenopause symptoms!

I made a conscious effort to chat lots with school parents, I disliked the nursery drop & run and then the weird parties in the preschool year where you didn't really know anyone. I do think there's an element of out of sight, out of mind but tbh I would prioritise the children of my school parent friends over another child if numbers were tight for parties.

I’m afraid it does work a bit like that for some parents. I personally didn’t exclude kids as I didn’t speak to their parents, but I also only picked up once a week at school finish as I worked the other days. Some parents can come off as standoffish, and that will be the cause of lack of party invites for some parents as they can be funny like that.

I take offence at the gossip comment too, how judgey 😳

Smiling at someone and asking if they’re going on the school trip, or how their holiday was is not “gossiping” I see it much like work colleague type chit chat. Me and DH work full time and use after school club but still managed to get to know our kid’s friends parents as it was a priority.

What happened in earlier years? I struggle to believe that this has only become an issue when they are 8? Were there no class parties in reception where you got to know at least a couple of parents?

This happened to my dd at her first school birthday party. 16 children invited only 3 turned up!

We live in a small town and I'm not from here so it was definitely because I'm an outsider. I'm autistic, cptsd, massive social anxiety, and on top of all that I'm 6 foot tall with resting bitch face! I'm actually really nice one on one, but struggle in group settings. Dd is just about to finish primary school now and has a lovely little friendship group. Thankfully she's a social butterfly so the parents have had to accept me as part of the package! 😂

Also just a practical point - my kid had a 9th birthday party. We are not allowed to give out invites in the classroom unless everyone is getting one so realistically I had to have their phone numbers. Of course only the parents I chat to got the invite. One mum I had to track down and it was a lot of effort waiting around to see her on multiple days, I wouldn’t do that if my kid wasn’t too bothered.

The OP never came back here either lol.

Numbers of children invited to parties have to be small enough to manage.

Parents usually influence who is invited.

If two spots remained and the parents have a choice between the children of their friendly school gate companions or the children of strangers, of course they will choose the comfortable route.

And you may come across as too rushed and busy to drop off and pick up from party.

Honestly? Not speaking to other people comes accross as rude and can make you seem unapproachable. You’re an adult. Maybe try to get over your feelings of shyness and talk to other people?

It might not seem “fair” to you that your antisocial attitude or lack of social skills is affecting your daughter’s social life, but this is how humans function. We are mainly social creatures.

Sorry OP I think it is on you.

When my kids were young, if they were having a small party it was much easier to invite the kids whose parents I chatted to, easier to make arrangements and know they would turn up etc.

This is so true… it is easier to say people are cliquey isn’t it? I get sometimes they are (hello Amanda land) but mostly people are just talking about the most mundane shit 😂

You need to push out of your comfort zone on this for your daughter’s benefit. Add it to list of other things you do as a parent that you don’t necessarily love!

Can you get there 5 mins earlier so you can’t just drop and run? Even a good morning, hot weather etc. comment can help people warm to you. Does your child play sports, dance, swimming etc? You’re with parents for a more prolonged time then so can be easier to practice striking up conversation.

Do you make small talk at work? In most jobs this is just normal- if you can do there you can do it at school too,

That's really weird that at eight, the parents are still controlling the party invite list. Usually it's down to the children to decide once you're out of reception or year 1.

I work full time, so I don't really know all the parents very well - there are loads of parents like me too that aren't always there for pick-up and others that have known each other for years, because they have never moved from the area and went to school together!

I find it bizarre how over-invested some parents are in their children's social circle - nothing better to do with their own lives, evidently.

Don’t the children get to say who they want at their party ? Surely that should be what happens ?

Lot of people like this shit. Plenty of people like chatting to friendly, sociable people, even if it's just a quick laugh or a few minutes of conversation while they're waiting. It breaks up the routine and makes the repetitive parts of the day a little more enjoyable.