AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

What is your budget? Ive seen a dress for £170. If you could just send me half it would be a good start.

I don't think wanting a dress for a prom is a 'desperate ' situation. It's a bit of teenage angst and jealousy of the girl who has the nice dress.

It's not even a prom, it's an 18th birthday party.

If DD didn’t own this dress, the relative wouldn’t be able to ask for it, and she’d have to get one somewhere else. So she can get one wherever she would have got one from if she hadn’t known about DD’s dress. This isn’t the only dress in the world and I’m sure she won’t be going to the party in rags.

It isn’t just about the risk of the dress being ruined. It could be given back slightly damaged or dirty. They could refuse to dry clean or wash it before returning it. They could wash it incorrectly. Very likely, if she lends it to them once they’ll ask for it again and again.

It’s really unpleasant of other family members to try to guilt trip you into lending a treasured possession belonging to your daughter. She said no, that’s the end of it. Good on you for defending her. When I was young, my mother used to give things away that belonged to me - sometimes lending them and not getting them back. She’d just laugh if I complained. It made me feel as though she was putting me in my place, showing me nothing was really mine, and that what other people wanted was more important than my right to have my own things. It’s a very unkind thing to do to a child. PPs are talking as though this dress belongs to the mother not the daughter.

If these family members are sad that the other girl doesn’t have such a nice dress (that you paid for, it wasn’t free) they can club together and buy her one!

Berating is doing so at length, I made one comment. And it is snubbing, if you can afford to help. Didn't say anything about snobs.

Ok can you lend me £500 please as I don't have a dress for the prom...

No, it's not snubbing someone to decline to lend them an expensive item that they won't be able to replace or reimburse.

Buy me a Dior dress?

snub
to insult someone by not giving them any attention or treating them as if they are not important

Don’t lend it out , u will never see it again. U told them no that should be the end of it . I lent a sunbed out to someone I worked with once took me a year to get it back and it didn’t work when I got it back she lent it to all her pals and relatives . Also same thing happened with a ring . Never again will I lend anything out

If I had an amazing dress at 48 that cost £500 which I adored, intended to wear in future and was very special, I wouldn’t lend it out to someone who didn’t have a £500 dress but wanted it. Them being 18 shouldn’t muddle things.

Repeatedly asking and then getting other family members to ask is not respecting boundaries.

It’s the same as if I had an expensive pair of shoes/car/tent/gazebo/handbag/coat, I wouldn’t want to lend it out.

I liked the comment upthread, ask, ‘can you afford to replace it if it’s ruined?’ and if they say, ‘yes’, reply, ‘good-you can just buy your own now, then.

Somebody asked if they could borrow my food mixer. They broke it and didn't replace it.
I lent my cousin a hand-knitted mohair jumper and she boil-washed it.

If they can’t afford to replace the dress if it gets damaged, I would not lend it.

If they CAN afford to replace it, they can afford to buy their own.

Either way it’s a no from me.

Would your contents insurance not cover the cost of replacement-what about theirs?

A) even if it did, why should they have to have a claim on their record and possibly increased premiums?
B) the cost of the excess may be similar to the cost of the dress anyway
C) she doesnt want to lend it, so end of discussion

@DeathByZaraTrousershas there been any further contact from the relatives?