AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

Exactly! I was gobsmacked at an earlier poster saying something like, you can afford nice things you should be generous with them! People generally buy luxuries for themselves, not to become a lending library for everyone they know who either cannot afford the same or is too tight to spend the money. That's OK! There are many luxuries in this world I would love to have but cannot afford, so I accept that I cannot have everything that I want. That's a good lesson to teach kids, as well as being kind.

The family member daughter is probably 16 years old, should be told to wear something they can afford and not asking for others to lend or handouts. Teaching them in young age to live same standards as they have their earnings is going to help her in future.

how is the Op (and her daughter) going to make them cough up?

Don’t do it! I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve lent clothes to family and friends and they either come back damaged or don’t come back at all. Any request these days is met with a polite but firm no. If they persist I tell them where I purchased it and that they should maybe look on Vinted or eBay for something similar

Asking to borrow something if the other side didn't say ' I can lend it to you sometime if you like it' is peak of rudeness.
Pricetag does not make a dress.
I can easily afford a thousand pounds dress (and own items with this pricetag), yet I got married in an £80 dress from a highstreet department store (discounted price) because I loved how it looked.
Some of my favourite items I cherish for years - I got from tx maxx!!

This family member is not about not being able to afford a dress(as I said I got married in a dress cheaper than an average zara blazer), it's about wearing that particular dress your DD owns.
Just no - say that this is a special dress to her and she doesn't want anyone else wearing it fullstop.

My own sister (6 years older) wanted to borrow a beautiful dress years ago that i had bought, I told her no (because she was a little bigger than me and was sadly renowned for drinking too much and I could see it ending badly.) She got the raving hump and didn't speak to me for months but I stuck to my guns. I never regretted it, she came round in the end though! (She's sadly dead now incase I get any nasty comments). So stick to your beliefs family or not.

and then if you tried to charge them for the costs to replace the dress its like how could you do or charge etc

To over use a phrase…
’NO is a complete sentence’

Just reply ‘NO and we would both appreciate no further discussion on the subject’.

Upload an image to chat gpt and ask it to find something similar under £50, send them the link.

I would think trying to force someone to lend their items out to you because you couldn’t be bother to get your own and can’t afford to replace it if you do damage it shows a lack of values.

I don’t know about you but I have dresses I’ve had for over a decade that I still wear and they have not gone out of fashion. Unless you’re a fad chaser, many dresses will not go out of style or be irrelevant in a short time.

I would only ever lend something I didn’t mind not getting back. People who are relaxed about borrowing stuff are relaxed about accidentally ruining stuff.

That dress is clearly important to your daughter, if she is planning on wearing it again. Letting someone else borrow it makes it less special. Selfish? Yes. But so what?

Why is this relative fixated on wearing an expensive dress they could not afford? There are so many cheap options for clothes these days with Vinted and eBay.

To me it sounds like they want your daughter to not have a special thing, and borrowing it makes it less special and more ordinary? That she is not better than them?

Almost every time I’ve lent something I have regretted it. Either struggling to get it back or a small imperfection. I’m super precious about my stuff. I am with you 100% and good on your daughter for having boundaries. These relatives obviously are mega entitled and needed to hear the word no more as a child.

No is a complete sentence & if you don’t want your DD to get the grief, tell them YOU said absolutely not.

I'm pretty happy to lend & borrow. But, leaving aside the important fact that the other girl's family couldn't and wouldn't replace the dress if damaged, I would refuse on principle if I were being harassed like this.

Not only is it bad manners (and then some), it shows a sense of entitlement to other people's things. This more or less guarantees your daughter won't be getting her dress back!

I am a people pleaser in general but in this instance your daughter is saying no to lending her own belongings and that is her right and nobody should be trying to force her to change her mind. She is trying to set her own boundaries and that should be encouraged it is something I wish my own parents had supported me with!

The girl's parents can rent one affordably from one of the rental sites. They're insured as part of the service. There's no need for your daughter to risk such a treasured possession. She has a right not to put someone else's needs over her own, and tbh I think that's a good life lesson.

If this family are much less well off than you then a (capped!) offer to rent her a dress from a couple of fancy sites would be a nice gesture to reduce the family friction, but no. Not her dress.

I was the poor relation as a kid, btw. All my cousins had much, much more, and much, much nicer, than I did. This would never have occurred to me to ask, far less pressure someone into agreeing when they didn't want to.

My own girl had saved every scrap of money across a year to buy a Doen dress she longed for, and she got it in the Pret-a-Porter sale for £150. No way on earth would I expect her to lend it to anyone - she loves it so much, and it means a lot to her. I want her to grow up feeling that she matters, not that she has to be sacrificial at her own cost. Kind, absolutely. A mug, no.

This girl and her parents aren't being very kind, asking for a loan they could not begin to replace. All it will take to be ruined is a dropped greasy item of food, or a staining spilled drink.

This isn't about whether you should lend out the dress or not.

This is about them not respecting your answer and trying to pressure you and your daughter.

It's her dress and her choice.

I am a very generous person. There are lots of things I would happily lend or give away. But there are a few things that I love that I would never lend in case they were ruined. Some are expensive, some have sentimental value, and some are too old and loved to be replaced.

I don't mind people asking to borrow things, but if they don't respect a 'no', they won't hear much from me again.

God, no! I wouldn't lend out a dress that had cost that much t anyone, family or not!

My mother had my first holy communion dress made out of her wedding dress. She leant it to my cousin for my cousin’s daughter (cousin is quite a bit older than me so was a mother when I was 7)
cousin’s daughter completely ruined the dress and we never saw it again

no I would not lend the dress

I was talking about passing dresses on to others

Do you have special powers to see the future, know things about strangers?

Please do let us all in on the secret of how you know the niece will be extra careful and do dry cleaning. Do you use your abilities for good purposes?

Just no.

i lent a beach umbrella to a friend when she went on holiday. It never worked properly after that.

i lent a pram to a cousin for a week. Her dog chewed one corner and i was unable to sell it.

So it’s definitely a no from me.

The question was ‘pass your details on to OP’ and you said ‘I have’.

So, have you done it now?

I never lend anything anymore after learning the hard way over and over again. Things not returned, lost, damaged, or people being stroppy and difficult about being asked to return the item. I sometimes give people things that they need or like but only if I choose to.

I'm another reformed people pleaser. There seem to be a lot of us among the over 40 female crowd.

You could suggest to the family members telling you to lend it, that instead everyone could put in £50 into a kitty so they can buy her own.. maybe they will be quiet then!!

I still have my prom dress, it was very expensive when it was brought (even by today's standards!) and I've kept it this long incase my daughter wants to wear it one day. I doubt it as it's far from the 'in' style at all, but so far my DD seems to not GAF about that kind of thing.

The point is to the relative asking it is just a dress, to your DD it is a prized expensive favourite item of clothing with memories and sentiment attached as well so it has irreplaceable value to her.

You are not wrong to say no, if it was just a normal dress or a never to be worn again dress then you would be, but it's not.