AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

I wouldn't lend it out and I'd respond 'We've said no and we won't be discussing it any further.' Then not respond to any more messages about it.

I stupidly lent a treasured item to someone a few months ago, on the understanding it would be looked after, and it's been 'lost' or misplaced and I'm heartbroken over it. People just don't care and it's such a horrible feeling.

When i was a teenager I made all of my own clothes. I made evening dresses. I have made a prom dress. I have made a wedding dress. I saved a fortune.

I have just dug out some old Patterns and am adjusting them to make flouncy summer skirts.

Time for the relative to learn how to sow. Patterns are expensive nowadays but she can probably get one from etsy. Head off to the local market for some material, and off she goes.
I'm all for teaching teenagers the facts of life.

And, before everyone starts screaming indignation, yes - my daughter can make her own clothes.

@DeathByZaraTrousers
You should not lend her the dress
It'll come back needing at least to be laundered
If not damaged in someway "by accident"
Also
Ask yourself
If you'd asked them would they??
Cheaper dresses are available out there........

You know what they say about verbal agreements don't you ... not worth the paper they're written on!

Only lend it on payment of £250 deposit to be returned when the dress is returned in the same condition that it was lent.

This is always done out of jealousy. If the dress was cheap and from any odd shop, no one would want it.

Absolutely spot on.

@DeathByZaraTrousers don't worry about the "keyboard warriors" trying to make themselves feel good by lending out YOUR valuable items. You can tell from the poll that they're just a vocal minority.

Maybe all.these relatives pressurising you could club together and get her something- even if off Vinted or hire - if they feel so strongly?!

why dont all the other family members with an opinion chip in for a dress for the young girl who needs one ?

No way! I am amazed that anyone would even think to ask!
This is part of memory that belongs to your daughter and the dress is special to her, not anyone else, it's a keepsake.
Tell your rude relatives to stop asking as you are not going to risk it being damaged and that's that!

I think it’s telling you who they are that they want to borrow an expensive dress that they cannot guarantee won’t get damaged. I would only ever borrow things I was confident I could care for, but at a party you’re surrounded by many people all eating and drinking and the possibility for disaster is endless. Why would you want to take that risk with someone elses’s precious dress? It would be so stressful.

I’d step in on my daughter’s behalf and say no so she can step out of the conversation other than “Mum said no”. You don’t have to give a reason. No is a full sentence.

I would text and say please stop texting myself and daughter. I have told you the answer is no and that’s the end of it. People take the piss, especially family. You need to put your foot down and tell them straight. You don’t owe explanations, justifications or excuses.

umm no you were not.

Or not come back at all.

I remember lending a family friend a dress I adored when we were teenagers and she never returned it, even denied she'd ever borrowed it after a while!

Yes 😅

There is no way that I would lend the dress. Your daughter doesn’t want to so that is the end of it. It doesn’t mean that she isn’t kind as some posters are insinuating. People tie themselves up in knots finding ways and reasons for others to help people, without having to do anything themselves. Cheeky fuckers.

What about the other £250?

I’ve just watched Mrs Harris Goes To Paris. The ultimate warning about lending precious things to grasping people.

@DeathByZaraTrousers You are doing the right thing supporting your DD to say ‘No’.

I wouldn't lend the dress, she can easily pick up a nice dress for under £80 that would look lovely, there's no need to borrow your daughter's expensive dress. You know dam well if it was trashed you wouldn't be getting a replacement, I wouldn't risk it, if it was a £50 dress they could replace then fine, but they clearly don't have the money to replace it.

The dress is precious to your daughter and great she wants to wear it again. She obviously appreciates the value of it and I’m not just talking about the actual cost.
Her relative can get something nice from FB marketplace or Vinted

It’s an expensive dress. They should not have asked to borrow it in the first place. Not only should you not lend it you should not have been put in the difficult position of refusing to lend it.
the only acceptable situation where she could have borrowed it is if your daughter had offered.