AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

And what if the person refuses to pay or replace it?

I’ll get her a few, and some shoes whilst I’m there, kit her out properly. 😂

Obviously! Then let her stay in your house for the weekend; you can easily stay somewhere else for a few days. Make sure you have lots of lovely food and drink in for her too.

Then that is the end of that particular relationship.

I’m guessing it’s sarcasm, at least I hope it is. 😬

It would be a much better life lesson for the relative to learn to budget for luxuries and events, to learn that if you want an expensive dress (or expensive wedding, or holiday) you can't expect to be subsidise by someone else and you need to come up with the money yourself, upfront, and not go into debt for that either.

Probably a bit much for the child involved to learn to budget for luxuries and events don’t you think? After all, I doubt ops daughter actually paid for this dress herself.
Personally, I’d do it for the child, because her parents haven’t sorted it. Is it my responsibility? Obviously not, but if I could help l would.

What is it about people these days? NO! Don't lend the dress and don't flipping ask to borrow it.

Goodness me, no. Rediculous suggestion. I'm discusted that you even think it's ok to so anything else. Your DD seems to have been dragged up.

Your relative is a CF. End of.

Absolutely, @DeathByZaraTrousers , you have to beeeee kiiiiiiind and that means allowing everyone to take advantage of you at every opportunity.

No, my daughter didn’t pay for it, but it is her dress as it was bought for her. It would be very unlikely that the other girl or her parents would pay for the dress if it was ruined.

You would seriously give away your daughter’s dress knowing that if it gets ruined, that’s it. 🤯

if the "child" is old enough to wear a designer or special dress for a prom, they're not that much of a "child" anymore.

and no, it's not a bit much.
How do you think others are funding their sports tours, and various outings and travels by that age? Obviously they don't pay for the full thing, but they learn to raise money to contribute.

When do they learn exactly, if they don't even know the basic by what 16 year old for the first Prom? So old enough to have a baby and get married!

I am not blaming the child, but she can't expect to be given a free dress just because she would like one? Don't we all? Shall we send a letter to Kate MIddleton? She has plenty of beautiful dresses, hardly worn 😂

Yes it is a normal request, some people happily lend clothes, but it's also normal to be refused if the owner doesn't want to lend on this occasion.

Give her your car and debit card as well.

So you think it's better to end the relationship rather than just not lend the dress in the first place?

You are being very dramatic! And no, I would loan it, on the very clear understanding that if it was ruined, it was to be replaced, or the money paid back, over time. If they did not agree to that, I wouldn’t loan it.

I am getting on a bit and in all my years I have never been asked to borrow an item of clothing, nor have I asked anyone (other than mum!). I certainly wouldn't have asked to borrow anything so expensive.

It's ok to tell children no. In fact, I would say it's an important part of growing up and life.

No, never a borrower or lender be. They can hire a dress and this 'what you have, I want, or need, should have, but I'm not paying for it' can go and do one!!

Of course not. Goodness people really are CFs. Your daughter wants to keep the dress for future use, lending it out would be potentially disastrous.

Side note, no one needs a £500 prom dress. These things are getting a little out of hand and I do feel for families who can’t afford to keep up with trends.

OP has made it clear that the item would not be respected and the relatives are unlikely to give any guarantees.

And if it did get ruined, that leaves the owner of the dress without anything to wear for any other occasions which might be coming up, and without cash as the CF relative pays it back at 50p a week.

What a strange conclusion you have come to.
Just say no to lending the dress shouldn't have to mean end of relationship, from OP's side anyway.

I would lend the dress and just ask them to look after it. Generosity is a good lesson also?

I paid for my own prom dress, via my part time job, because my parents weren’t interested. It is different now, far, far fewer young people have part time jobs and most parents pay for these things. As op did for her own daughter. And, I don’t think op said it’s the child involved who is asking for this dress, rather her parents and other relatives?

You are doing the right thing, it is a cherished possession and is not for renting out.
If you had other things you could lend as an alternative then do so just not this dress.

But they are just saying it won’t be ruined.

I have said it is very unlikely we would ever see any money for it as they simply don’t have it.

Why is it dramatic? Yes it’s only a dress, but it could easily be ruined at a young persons party, with drinks, smoking, being silly etc.