AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

I lent a silk shawl to my close friend. She got ketchup on it and she hasn't returned it over eight months later. Don't lend things you're not prepared to lose is my husband's advice and I did this knowing I might never see it again.

Don't lend the dress. If she can't afford to buy one then she can't afford to replace it. It's also ludicrous. I went to one Prom wearing a dress that was essentially a floor length vest top. It was really cheap. I just made sure I had great accessories and hair. This time of year charity shops are also full of them. You bought your daughter a dress as an investment and it's non-negotiable that no one else can wear it.

When I was a teenager I had a pair of lovely black velvet trousers. My Aunt asked if she could borrow them to wear to a New Year dance. My mum must have said she could. When she returned them the stiching at the zip was stretched as she was a bit bigger than me, and she said she’d got a bit of pickle on them as she desperately tried to remove it as she handed them back to me 😠.
Never forgotten it to this day and I’m 66 now.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be. That’s my motto.

YANBU Its a personal matter wether you lend things to others.
It depends on your feelings about lending,the dress,the people inolved,the circumstances.
One of my DDs would definitely lend the dress in the circumstances you describe. One wouldn't.
I dont think either is right or wrong.
I dont think it wrong of your relative to ask but i do think it wrong to pressure and manipulate when you have said no.

At £500 I wouldn't be putting it in a washing machine!

this is terrible advice. The DD has said no, you seem to think it’s important to teach her it’s more important to be kind to other people than respect her own boundaries. That if she’s said no, if the other person badgers her she should change that to a yes even if she doesn’t want to. That being kind is something she needs to do, even for people who are not being kind to her.

This is a terrible way to raise a daughter, do not raise your dcs to think that “no” is not acceptable !

this is a good lesson for the other child in the family, no means no. Even if you really would prefer it to be a yes. Getting others to put pressure on someone who’s said no to you is really terrible behaviour and should not be rewarded!

Hear, hear.

Absolutely not. The other end of the age range but I lent my toddler daughter's hand embroidered exquisitely made 'heirloom' party dress (VERY expensive but I wanted to keep it and pass it on to possible grandchildren) and it came back stained and with the netting ripped. Not even an apology!

I am staggered at the price of dresses that schoolkids wear. Even though this one has been worn a few times its cost per wear is over £100.
I could make a very very nice evening dress for £100. (I must admit my main sewing is curtains and cheap everyday stuff nowadays)

The relative will have to learn to cut her clothes according to her cloth. Lol. If she can't afford it, she can't have it. Bad luck! Teenage girls are notorious for damaging borrowed clothes. As others have said, she is simply envious of your daughter.

A little tip for the future: keep quiet about whatever your daughter has got. That negates the envy.

You might be able to make a nice dress for £100, but if someone can’t make the dress and has to pay someone else to make it, the price is most likely to go up by several hundred pounds, paying a seamstress to make a dress is the most expensive way to get one these days!

Most girls don’t wear £500 dresses for prom, most get ones around the £100-150 mark but some quite a lot less. So given how many adults have bothered the OP to give her dds dress to this family member, they could all club together and buy the other girl a dress.

Most schools still teach a form of dressmaking. It comes under design technology.

If the relation can't afford a £500 dress she will just have to have a £100 dress. Bad luck.

There may be tips for prom dresses on style and beauty. The relation can always hire a dress if necessary. I bet there's something nice on the debehams site. I haven't looked.

I think this has the possibly to become simmering family resentment over years to come. I still wouldn't lend the dress.

I also think that school proms have become absolutely ridiculous. One of our local schools cancelled theirs this year. The boys weren't interested. The venue was going to cost something ridiculous, like £1,000.

Most schools still teach a form of dressmaking. It comes under design technology. They probably don't teach it to a standard where you could knock up a prom dress.

Not at all wrong to lend clothes but only if your daughter is happy about doing so. Ignore the snide comments.

If your daughter doesn't want to lend her dress then that is the end of the story. As is usually said here,NO is a complete sentence.
I would also not buy a dress for the relative, that is up to her parents. You don't work to subsidise another family.

Can I ask why in the world would you ever lend a dress that was literally tailored for you?!?
At least you had the ultimate excuse why it can't be lent - yet you did it?
I really want to understand why is it so difficult to say no?

thsi reads to me as though she refused to lend it and the asker was furious because she refused?

Hell no. I've a Burberry coat and a Mulberry bag that cost about £500 each and I'm not lending either of those to anybody.

Depends on the dress, she could make one of those slinky slip dresses. The one that I made had boning in it. That was a stretch.

However, i looked on debenhams. They have prom dresses from £29. There's loads for £100 price bracket. Teenage girls need to get savvy.

Ah you are absolutely right! Good for her :)

Sorry I didn't explain that very well.
I didn't lend it for that very reason.
I but was badgered by rmore than one relative to lend it and they were all angry with me for keeping on saying no.
They didn't accept the fitted argument They laughed at my "I've got a sentimental attachment to it" argument.
Knowing them and their "when will you ever wear it again" comments (I'd just had a baby) . I knew they would get it cut up and altered to fit them and then hand it back unwearable if they handed it back at all. They made me feel really mean and selfish for not going along with it. That's why I was hoping OP would be able to turn down her badgerers.

You have said the family are not good at managing/budgeting their money OP. Clearly, rather than address this (there are numerous cheap ways to get hold of a dress) they are transfering the blame on to your daughter. Nice!

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I’m so glad you didn’t lend the dress! Good for you! And sentimental value should have been enough of an excuse. Actually, “I don’t want to” should have been enough! I’m betting these same relatives would never badger and belittle a man like that.

If she wants a full length dress then TKmaxx are where teenagers find a good bargain..

No wonder there are so many abused women out there, with so many reared to put themselves last, give away what they value to anyone who asks.

Never allowed to have any boundaries about their own possessions, never allowed to say No.

It explains so much.
Don't doubt yourself OP.

Far better to always say NO, NEVER loan anything that you truly value.
Accidents can and do happen.
Only loan what you are happy never to see again.

Only CF's think it reasonable to borrow a £500 dress.

Absolutely this.

I couldn't imagine being able to afford to help and not help. Snubbery at it's finest.