AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

[DeathByZaraTrousers]

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

Text:

'Sorry but XXX won't be lending her dress. It's the most expensive and special piece of clothing she has ever owned and she is saving it to wear to special occasions. We don't want to risk bad feelings/a falling out if something were to happen to it, as I appreciate it would be expensive to replace. Please can you stop asking DD to borrow it as she doesn't want to loan it but finds it hard to say 'no'. Thanks"

I’ve learnt the hard way by ‘lending’ things and never seeing them again, or if I do they’re trasged. clothes/shoes/cash/cds etc. now I’m of the view and teach my kids the same, if you’re not fussed about it /don’t mind not having it back again then that’s fine. If you’re attached to it or if you can’t afford to be without/replace it, then don’t lend it.
sadly even the most trusted people can turn out grabby or inconsiderate/careless. The fact you can see how they’re viewing this and the lack of thought for your daughters feelings or the dress, I’d say it was the right decision
im with your daughter and kudos to her for sticking to her guns!

My rule about lending, whether it's money or belongings, is never lend something that you can't afford/don't want to lose! I would not want to lend a special dress regardless of what it cost me.

No means no, and it's absolutely reasonable to refuse. You are not required to provide a reason. These people are obvious very cheeky and pushy to keep trying to objection handle you, when you have provided reasons why.

I'd suggest to stop giving them reasons and excuses, and just say no, she does not want to lend it to anyone. That's it.

No is a complete sentence!

Never EVER EVER tell a CF that someone finds it hard to say no.

What now?

Could you ask them to insure the dress, that should not cost a lot.

Really? You don't think that would make the would-be-borrower even more careless with the dress, because - meh, she'll get the money back so what's the problem if I sit on the grass / spill red wine / vomit over it?

The dress is precious to OP's daughter. She wants to keep it for future events, and indeed has already worn it again. It's irreplaceable. She doesn't want to lend it, and she shouldn't be pressured to do so.

No, you’re doing the right thing. She should only loan if she expects not to wear it again and wants to loan. Neither of those things apply here. I speak from bitter experience (in my 50s), I remember my mum loaning my favourite toy to a neighbours child. They not only broke my toy but when their dad came to collect them he brought them a brand new one- which they kept! I’m still fuming.

Why should anyone have to go through that kind of hassle, especially if they then have to make a claim? Just so someone else can use their stuff?

What a hassle. They could just accept the answer is no, sort their own dress out and stop hassling OP and her daughter.

Tell the girl's mum to hire a dress instead. Much cheaper.

Never a borrower or a lender be.
Worth remembering. Its generally good advice.

Your daughter should not be put under pressure to lend the dress. Very presumptuous attitude and you can never guarantee something won’t get spoiled.

When does she want the dress for? If it's next week it's at the dry cleaners isn't it. It needs specialist cleaning😊

This!!!

I was badgered to lend a dress I wore for the evening party of my wedding. I loved to bits. It was just an LBD but I'd had it made especially to fit me. (which I'd never done before) The person who wanted to borrow it was a completely different size and shape and height and would have had to make some substantical alterations, ( although they denied this) and I'd never have been able to wear it again. It took me so long to find what I wanted, and it was so special to me that I just didn't want to lend it. They were , predictably furious.

Your DD's dress is special and it sounds liek the people wanting to borrow it are not trustworthy in terms of looking after it.
Stand up to them. Show your DD its OK to say no to bad demands like this.

I wouldn’t lend it and if other people are now messaging daughter I would double down.
maybe ask everyone who messages of you can borrow an expensive item you know they own that they would be gutted to lose. So easy to lend someone someone else stuff

I guess some people see things differently because I don't think this is a normal request and it's certainly not normal to have family members pressuring you either especially after you've said no. If they can't afford to buy the dress they certainly can't afford to replace it. One thing that is certain is accidents happen and the dress could get ruined. I think they are being so rude. I'd be fuming!! Good luck

no, don't lie or make excuses.

I agree, not a normal request. Maybe borrow a bag but not a dress,

Would you lend it knowing that there's a good chance it will be spoilt and no-one will compensate your daughter for it?

How can you be sure about someone you have never met?;

No matter how careful she is, she can't guarantee someone won't spill their drink all over the dress, or tear it or something similar. Dry cleaning doesn't fix everything.

Good for you for supporting your DD boundaries. She can also tell them it’s sentimental as you bought it as a special dress and she keeps it pristine now for special occasions…or just no also works 🤣

I love this. Your daughter sounds fab.

Ultimately OP some people would be comfortable lending and some wouldn’t. It wasn’t unreasonable of them to ask, but it is hugely unreasonable of them to keep asking and pressuring when your daughter has said no.

Way too much explaining and too soft.

This is the last time I will tell you this. The answer is no. You can't borrow X's dress and don't ask again.

Add in to the other relatives bugging about it:

If you're so invested, you should be happy to donate £100 to a dress fund for X.

These relatives don't want your daughter to have something nice of her own. They see it as community property or to be wrecked because how dare she have something so nice.

Don't give in or be nice to that toxic mindset.

I can’t imagine anyone who is so rude and presumptuous that they keep asking you to change your mind when you’ve said no, are going to value your dress any more than your decision.